I am not going to fall at the first hurdle of writing my daily pages, though currently it is hard to do when I have a constantly screaming 4yr old boy in the room with me and I have a mild headache with a double ear infection. Trying to think positively and trying to imagine I am well, I am healthy and I am not irritated by senseless and mindless toddler noises… trying, but not successfully.
My husband wants to take the family for a walk around the estate and village, but I am also interested in not only writing these daily pages right now which could take me about 90 minutes if I can’t think of anything to say, but I also want to watch whilst typing this a documentary about Neanderthals, of which I am convinced my son is one.
Also my brain is occupied with the music theme tune of a children’s program called gigglebiz, a program I hate, but the tune is annoyingly catchy on a religious level; that’s how I believe religion became so successful, good music, great lyrics, catchy and annoying tunes that you keep hearing yourself singing or whistling and before you know it, you think you’re religious because you like the music… scary stuff.
Want to control the world? Be a great musician that can create catchy to borderline annoying tunes that people will love to hate, and your work will never be forgotten and before long people will be living what you’ve written… think hippy! Think happy clappy!
People hate happy clappy because it gets into you so much if you allow yourself to listen to it.
Positive energy is just as catching as negative energy, though some positive energy can be difficult to get rubbed with, because there is always some kind of recoil from others… they’re so used to feeling negative and seeing things in a bleak way, that the light scares them… think about being in a cinema during the day then leaving the cinema at high noon with clear blue skies… painful huh? Energy works pretty much the same way.
Anyway on another note I have been playing word tornado on facebook a lot this afternoon and losing dramatically, seems like the whole world gets over 700 points and I only get an average of 580 – you know I doubt the authenticity of their so called talent because I play scrabble a lot offline with people and I am always the winner. I have a very broad vocabulary and a very cunning way in using the board and I hang around with people with very high IQs, so I guess there’s a lot of internet game cheating going on there.
What is the point? It’s a game, you don’t feel the same way when you cheat and win in a game than when you play honestly and win, so why?
I cannot believe that everyone I play against is a genius.
In fact I absolutely refused to believe it.
Anyway, rant about game cheating aside, for the last 3 months I have repeatedly borrowed one book from my local library called “The art of Gothic music and fashion” by Natasha Scharf. It’s quite a read and quite inspiring.
It’s one of those books that have double pages on each page, I am unsure what it is called, but you can sometimes find old Sherlock Holmes books that are like that, like newspapers.
In the books there is a lot about all types of gothic people, from Lolita goths to steampunks, unfortunately there is nothing in there about some people I know in the BDSM scene who are what is known as “Cyberdogs” gothic, black leather wearing dog roleplayers that where fetish dog masks, something that I have seen once or twice during my travels to Camden Town.
However, talking of cyberdogs the fashion company was mentioned there.
Woof, I think I would have liked to of come under that category if I was still available in the BDSM scene, though with my weight I’d probably look like some overweight bulldog… which no offense to bulldog enthusiasts or bulldogs in general, to me that’s not a good look.
I am listening to beautiful Greek music whilst typing this, yes the Neanderthal program was turned off about 90 minutes ago and I had a long game of online word tornado.
My toddler is sitting on the sofa bleary eyed with tonsillitis and all I can do is recoil as I am only just getting over severe pharyngitis where my GP felt I was nearly hospitalised earlier on this week.
I mentioned the Greek music because I remember a time I heard this exact song played at my mum’s friend’s house Niki and my mum mistook it for Asian music and told her, in an offensive tone to turn off the said music in the most derogatory term of phrase she could come out with – my mum’s friend Niki replied with zeal and shock and horror, that it’s not that type of music at all it’s Greek! To which mum seemed very embarrassed.
I love all cultures, I love their music, their food, their ways, I love learning about people from all walks of life, my only prejudice is religion of any mainstream kind, especially if people kill for the sake of their religion, or if their religion has a history of killing people when conversion was impossible.
Now my randomiser has turned on some medieval music, I am very eclectic (nearly wrote epileptic), my brother is an epileptic and I was told I have a minor form of it by a Rugby GP because I said I get some sensations on my head like people are stroking my hair from time to time which seems to be getting more intense lately, I don’t believe him personally.
I started these daily pages about 4 hours ago, still not finished. I am not in a creative mood today, today is a day off after all, it’s Sunday.
It’s not that I am not dedicated to my work, but today I woke up late and I felt in a reading or scrabble like game mood, particularly as my back is still getting over the fast bumpy bus ride I had into Coventry yesterday, I think they’ve sprained my back!
I am by far a hypochondriac by the way! Seriously not one, just bloody unlucky!
I also have a craving to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones on DVD rental by lovefilm, but when my 4yr old son is awake I won’t, he will not be allowed to watch such violence, I demand that! Also, if I couldn’t watch that then I would like to watch Van Helsing because in my opinion that’s very mild for a child to watch in comparison to other vampire movies, but when a female vampire threw the cow at a building Henry freaked out and got very upset over the mistreatment of the cow last year that he categorically hates vampires – bursts into tears, how can anyone hate them? They’re my kindred spirits!
My son hates me since; especially when I told him I love vampires and that I am one in my books.
All jokes aside our relationship did change after that movie.
I have at least another 600 words to write before the 3 pages are done for the day.
I still find it annoying that some relatives watch this blog, just so they can stop me talking about things that are TRUE AND REAL but they’d rather hide it under the carpet like some dirty secret. They keep brain washing me about skeletons in the closet and my brother isn’t the only relative either, some other relatives are encouraging me to speak the truth, some of them will shock my immediate family because it’s not who they think they are, it’s the most unlikeliest.
Because I was raised in a very unhappy environment, but no one is allowed to know that as I will be sued for defamation apparently.
So yes, like always, I am living under the shadows of blackmail by my bullying family.
It’s infuriating because originally this blog was set up as a form of therapy to overcome my problems, by the advice of my psychologist.
If I ever became famous, I would want people to know the whole me, no holds barred – not because I am an attention seeker, but because I don’t like skeletons in the closet. I would rather be honest and forthright to people, instead of sitting back meekly being a mystery – because let’s face it, before I moved in with my husband I hate no life before the age of 26yrs old… so that’s going to raise a lot of uncomfortable questions in itself, because my life, my experiences up until that point were very, very minimal and people will think that there were bad things about me directly, when in fact it wasn’t – it was things happening to me by bad people.
I also want to raise awareness of certain things once I am famous or even before I am famous, because there are a lot more ways to abuse a child or a relative that people originally think.
Isolating them, home-educating them to isolate them further, when they become adults, making major life decisions for them because if they refuse they will have bad things happen to them and they live constantly in blackmail. I put my foot down against my mother in 2013 because she tried to force me to commit fraud, that’s the truth behind why I don’t like contact with her now. Because she tried her best to make me commit a crime which is not within my nature, Paul was abhorred and it was him, along with a family support worker and my psychologist that felt that the break had to be made as I cannot raise a child around a grandmother who thinks that fraud is OK on certain conditions and that you’re a bad person if you don’t do it for your mother/grandmother.
Awareness of different kinds of abuse needs to be raised.
Willows lining the rivers, poplar lining the fields
A dream of British landscapes
A joy that overfills
Long and winding roads
And undulating fields and hills
Brings peace to mankind
And many summer thrills
When evening comes to settle
See the sunset in the sky
Dreaming of British landscapes
The beauty makes us sigh
Time to expand this blog a bit; there will be new categories and tabs for you to choose from within the next few days, they will include;
A page about my experiences with Cosmic Ordering
A rant page for me to let off steam and see if my fellow readers also suffer the fools I do
Art, my own, my friends, and those that inspire me
Alternative lifestyles, a page about witches, vampires, Goths and the BDSM community and much more
My pet’s page, where I will update about the lives of my many pets as sometimes they inspire me
Contests I’ve entered
Health update as I am often sick
Daily Pages dedicated to the work of Julia Cameron, the author of the artist way
Food and places to eat reviews
And last but not least, recipes
It is not unknown that I have a lot of health problems, in fact more often than not my ailments these days make me bed-bound with bacterial and viral infections and my left eardrum is collapsing, which could leave me totally deaf if it weren’t for the technology of hearing aids.
However, I had decided last week to restart doing my blog regularly and concentrating hard on writing, art and photography in general because I am tired of being dependent upon an insecure government; I am also bored of not being able to work away from home or volunteer anymore, but I can’t help that as I have auto-immune-inner-ear-disease aka AIIED, which means I get about a 2 to 5 days of normal health a month, not conducive to the workplace.
I will have several new sections coming up soon on this blog about Cosmic Ordering, because I am using this to turn my life around; I’ve always been a bit of a Pollyanna which is one of the main reasons I had a lot of problems as a child, so I just need to refocus a bit. I am especially interested in Cosmic Ordering and the methods behind Ho’Oponoopono because I have been told that it is likely I will need more surgery on my ear in the future, my roof is leaking, my health is getting ridiculously bad lately, I’m poor as a church mouse and… well, basically enough is enough and it’s time for a change.
I had another small pause to my blog from my previous post because I went down with a big bang with what my GP described as severe pharyngitis (diagnosed on the 3rd February) and was told that if this didn’t show signs of getting better in 48 hours I could find myself in hospital receiving treatment intravenously; scary, I am still ill as I am typing this – but not as bad as I was and I am thankful things are getting better.
I am trying my best to stick to my plans of the Ho’Oponoopono chant and the Cosmic Ordering guides from the Mohrs and various other people – especially my very good friend Richard Gentle who has written lots of material on the subject of Cosmic Ordering, negative miracles and crystal wand healing; in many respects it was he, who gave me the confidence to start doing this and he did this a few years ago, unfortunately my life back then was full of negative people who always undid whatever I tried to do to improve myself, that is no longer the case, in fact, quite the opposite.
One of the biggest steps to changing your life to a more positive stance and being your true self, is to leave the people who do not accept you, whether they are family or not.
So I will finish now with this post, to let you know I intend to get busy and post more often.
Thank you for reading
For the last 6 months I have attempted to teach myself art, sketching and painting particularly with watercolors.
The image that you see is my first ever attempt at creating a watercolor mermaid under the sea scene and my first ever attempt at under-painting a picture.
This image is unfinished and I am afraid to say it will stay that way because I mixed the shades of colors that are used on the paper and my fiance Paul knocked over the palette when getting it for me and it was all lost and I am very reluctant to attempt to try making more of the same shades of color as I don’t want to completely ruin this picture.
There are some blemishes to the image, for example the mark of yellow on her left inside elbow amongst other things, but I cannot repair these without severely impacting on the color scheme, as I cannot guarantee I can mix the same shades again.
I am a self-taught artist that have only really been practicing twice a month any kind of art-work for about a year now, as I mentioned before my attempt at watercolors started about six months ago.
In my personal opinion, starting to teach yourself artwork, particularly sketching/drawing shouldn’t really start at how-to-draw books, because that never worked for me, instead, trusting my own eye works better and reading books based on painting; that is of course if you eventually want to move onto painting your images.
I have been getting a lot of comments from my immediate family and friends that they believe I have a natural talent for art considering that I spend less than five hours a month practicing; personally I don’t see it, I see too many imperfections in my work and I cheat. For example, I have hidden one of the mermaid’s hands in this picture because I couldn’t make it look as good as her right hand and the paper was thinning with all the erasing I had to do.
I have a gallery at deviantart.com if you wish to see more pictures that I’ve done as well as my budding artist four year old son, Henry, some of his best work are up there, which reminds me that I must add his version of a toucan up later on.
With my rhyme, you fall in love
Enchanted by my words, you’ve found that your fantasies come to life
I can see my power over you; you take my hand in its silken glove
I make you travel with me through all your pain and strife
You need me, I need you, and together we are stuck like glue
Forever, eternal, we will pull through
When all your hope has faded, I am there for you
When all your dreams are shattered, I will repair them too
When all seems lost, I am your seeker
I am there so you can’t fall deeper
I am your life
Mist parades across the lawn in the gloomy morn
I hear the whispers of the clouds, how they’re forlorn
They are sadden by their loss of reverence upon high
Will they ever return to the sky?
I lost my faith in being a good enough writer and updating this blog around May 2014 based purely on the daily viewer count I thought I was getting – which was something like one new viewer a week; however, a friend of mine taught me that I can find out how many regular viewers I get each day and this has given me back my confidence. At a guess I would have said I have around four to seven regular viewers, but my friend told me that I actually have forty.
Since giving up on the blog I have been very active at some Facebook writer groups, which has been giving me the urge to write again. I have made some fabulous friends there and many of them are nagging me to update my blog daily because they believe I have talent I am wasting; though personally I think there are better writers out there than me and I don’t find myself very original – they’ve demanded I stop being modest immediately, so here I go – updating again.
I know I am not very good at punctuation and possibly grammar, but I fully intend to start a course next summer to help with all that, as it does affect my confidence.
I say go away to the voice in my head
For he annoying can be
Just shut up your moaning and stop all your droning
So I can get on with poetry
There is an effervescent brook running through the forest
Green shimmers along its bumpy waves and shadows of bygone days
Moss upon rocks gives shelter to life, frogs sit upon them and they know no strife
The cackles of the woodland tease and frolic during the day
Always happy and larking, always in play
The shadows of the brook is always this way
The field is green, the sky is blue and yet I never tire of you
Nature fine and nature pure
Often I’ll find things that are obscure
Day to day there’s new things to find
And none of them are to be claimed for none of them are mine
Each breeze and petal, leaf and stone
Are not mine to touch, move or own
They are just there, for us to find
But most of us are almost blind
We try to own nature in any way
Take and take and do not play
I love nature, leave it be
Let all nature remain free
Meet The Weirds by Kaye Umansky.
A wonderful book about friendships being built between children who come from the opposite ends of the social spectrum; a really funny read that left me wanting more, however the book ended abruptly and made me feel a little cheated as there were hardly any plot; the book should be extended.
You’re a bad man Mr. Gum by Andy Stanton.
I read these books in June 2014 as they were highly recommended to me by various members at goodreads.com and I have to say I am bitterly disappointed.
I would never let a child of mine read these unless they were teenagers, I really don’t find these books suitable for under twelves; they seem to condone animal cruelty, crime, dog poisoning, selling rancid meat and all sorts of undesirable trash that makes being evil seem cooler than being good, which in my opinion is not something I want to convey to my children – in fact they make the good people in the book come across as total idiots and evil people as being very clever, truly shocking as a children’s series to be honest, I was expecting far better.
The rating for these books is low, despite the humor in some pages; I think these books should be re-categorized as adult fantasy comedy.
A ball of burnt orange and red felt is clasped within my hands, I can smell its fragrance it taunts me to take a bite, I feel obliged. Slowly I bite the over ripe fruit and the juice trickles down my chin, drenching my white blouse but I do not care, for the moment and those moments after is sheer heavenly bliss.
The ball of felt has teased all of my senses, the furriness caresses my lips, and the fruit is tangy, watery and cool on my tongue and in my mouth, the fragrance appetizing, alluring, and enveloping and the sight soul clenching.
A slight embarrassment takes me over as I hear the lapping of the juices around my mouth, a little laughter of my friends who’ve noted my secret pleasure with the summer snack, abashed I take a napkin and wipe myself clean, that fruit was simply, perfectly supreme.
I am back after a long illness, still not fully recovered but missed updating this blog a lot.
I had a sinus infection in December which affected the chest too and by late April I got pneumonia because of the prolonged infection; thankfully pneumonia is no longer an issue, though I still have those infections even now and I have been told on Wednesday that there could be further health complications with my ears.
The sinus has caused pressure in my left ear which has affected my hearing due to making the ear drum deformed (hopefully temporarily); this is scary stuff as I am already completely deaf in my right ear and have been since 1997, so this is worrying news indeed.
Originally posted on Thought Catalog:
1. We cry at home for you.
Nurses might seem like we have it all together while we are working hard to take care of you, but the truth is that sometimes after a particularly heavy shift, we cry our freaking eyes out over your/your families pain. Sometimes the stress of taking care of you while you are very critically ill is not only mentally, but also physically exhausting. We spend twelve hours at a time running around to get all of the supplies we need for your various tests, procedures, medications, and therapies, but really wish we could spend more time just holding your hand. Lots of people tell us “We don’t know how you can be a nurse! I could never do what you do.” Well, the thing is, we have all those same feelings too. The emotions that we have from watching a…
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Originally posted on Flavorwire:
The hard work, the MFA vs. NYC debate, the negativity, the importance of a good Twitter account, the parties you have to go to, the readings you have to do, people you should meet, the agents you need to impress — amid all the different ways writers have found to obsess over what it takes to be successful, we sometimes forget the most important thing of all: great writers need to be great readers.
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My mind is like a racing car, it takes me to familiar places or far
It speeds from thought to thought in ever careless turns
It spurts out random wisdom that I’ve in past have learned
My mind is unpredictable, my thoughts they rush and whizz
Sometimes I fear I’ll burn out, my brain will just fizz
I need to slow the pace a little, but I’ve tried and surely can’t
My mind is like a racing car, hear the crowds all chant
For my mind has many voices, that all shout at once at me
How I wish my mind would just give me one thought at a time please
My head feels like it’s been squeezed
Originally posted on Handmade by Hannah:
A few weeks ago I stumbled upon a website called Readitswapit. It was recommended in a book on money saving tips as a place where you can swap books with other members, so the only cost involved is the postage. One the surface it seems like a good idea, especially for book clubs, as many people post the most current popular fiction up there. I thought I would give the website a go and see if it is worth it.
Initially, the swaps that I took part in worked out well as I traded some books that I had bought in my early teens for some newer books that I would like to read. As the books that I was posting were very light, the postage only cost around ninety pence, making it a worthwhile investment. However, when posting books any longer than two hundred pages, the postage cost can…
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The universe is a black ocean
Full of twists and turns
How I love to swim in its darkness
And fly too close to the sun that burns
This world is my prison
I sit and wait and stare
I have beautiful dangling prisms
That shimmers in lights glare
I watch those pretty crystals
Hanging above my head
I dream of another world
That I’ll go to when I’m dead
I see the wonderful flowers
In a sunny meadow bright
I’ll sit under green bowers
Soaking in the sight
I can’t wait for death to take me
Away from this bloodshot world
I hope fate has heard my plea
Under this branch I am curled
I’ll dream of another life
In another place
I hope it’s a life without strife
Or where I’m seen as a disgrace
I can’t abide this morbid world
Not for another day
I am lost in a netherworld
I need to run and play
This world is my prison
I am sure of it today
I need to fall into the crystal prisms
And leave this life that’s grey
One of the most inspirational authors of all time in my opinion is Paulo Coelho.
I have a particular fondness for his book “The Alchemist”; it is full of spiritual inspiration, positivity and motivation.
“The Alchemist” was one of those books where I couldn’t put it down for long and I am a slow but avid reader which meant this was two days’ worth of reading for me and I found every word spectacular and poetic.
I think perhaps this book touched me because I have always believed in the theory of cosmic ordering, working with the universe by changing your personal thought processes into a more positive structure – surrounding yourself with aspirations and motivational comments, reflecting on the good things in your life and trying hard to forget the bad things or at least, prevent the bad things from becoming the forefront of your mind.
There are sections of this book that indicate to me that Paulo Coelho must also believe in the philosophy of cosmic ordering himself though I may be wrong but the following quotes are very cosmic ordering suggestive;
“And, when you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you to achieve it.”
“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.”
“There is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.”
“We are travellers on a cosmic journey, stardust, swirling and dancing in the eddies and whirlpools of infinity. Life is eternal. We have stopped for a moment to encounter each other, to meet, to love, to share. This is a precious moment. It is a little parenthesis in eternity.”
“Every blessing ignored becomes a curse.”
“People are afraid to pursue their most important dreams, because they feel that they don’t deserve them, or that they’ll be unable to achieve them.”
These are just a few of the many wonderful words written in the book “The Alchemist” by Paulo Coelho and from what I’ve heard (though haven’t yet read) that his many other books are also filled with the same inspiring prose as this all-time classic. I do endeavor to read more of Paulo Coelho’s books soon, when I do, I am sure to update my findings here.
This book spiritually changed me for the better and set me on a new path in life, I truly recommend this book for anyone who is losing faith in the world around them (by faith I am not talking religion but by faith in human nature or faith in the universe looking out for you).