Sometimes people tell me that they think I don’t take my “talent” seriously because my blog can sometimes be neglected for weeks at a time; what I say to that is, I write what I can, when I can and a majority of my written work isn’t immediately published online or in any other medium because it is part of a larger project. I also live with chronic pain (something that I was recently told will be with me for life) and I am surprised when I can still manage to write 2000 words on a bad day.
This being said, I think that perhaps I take my writing too seriously a lot of the time, because I don’t see that what I do publish is all that good and I sometimes regret the things that I post.
This post will be regretful, because I don’t like to think that other people feel I moan too much.
Other people who understand that I am a writer also judges that perhaps I am not too good a writer as others make out, simply because I have never published that many short stories on my blog and as far as they have witnessed from my Goodreads.com account I hardly read at all in comparison to most. What I have to say about that is, you can’t add newspapers, blog posts and magazines to Goodreads.com and a lot of my time is spent reading short stories from those.
If you saw me all day, every day, you’ll think I never stop reading and that would be true.
I am also an endless worrier, I worry about my blog posts quality – the punctuation and use of grammar, and I don’t think I have that down to a fine art and that’s simply due to lack of education, which I am trying to overcome by reading relevant books – which also gets me judged by people who know me offline.
I have been told by supporters that perhaps those comments are coming from sources of jealousy as they see the potential in me? But I am unsure if I can take that idea, being as those comments largely come from my support worker, immediate family and close neighbours, as my friends they should say encouraging things shouldn’t they?
I will be the first to admit though, that when it comes to my blog I am lazy – because I am enjoying world building, poetry and story writing that’s not designed for the online world. What I mean is; I don’t want to ruin my best work by having it already published on the internet.
What frustrates me is the fact that I get so many great supporters of people who have already made a success of themselves in the creative careers (don’t get me wrong, this is a confidence booster) however; it makes me scared that I am good. It scares me because I think of the years I’ve wasted being fearful and then I get frustrated as the fearfulness comes back at me again and again.
Yes, I am one of these people who know from so many people that I am born for success, but I am scared of it, very scared of it. I think that if I am successful, how much of my life will remain my own?
I am not a name dropper and I do not intend to mention names right here, but I have been contacted by singers, lyricists and novelists in private email messages, praising my efforts and even trying to kick me up the ass to get me writing more and taking myself seriously. I appreciate this, it’s a confidence booster and I need all the kicking I can get (from a positive source that is). I am trying my best to focus, I have 277 story ideas on my little notepad waiting to be written, 14 have been started, I am trying to focus on 2, but it’s hard, particularly when the characters in the TV in my mind act like I am channel hopping all the time.
I have noticed there are no creative writing books for thinkers who channel hop; I can’t be the only one can I?