kick my ass

Sometimes people tell me that they think I don’t take my “talent” seriously because my blog can sometimes be neglected for weeks at a time; what I say to that is, I write what I can, when I can and a majority of my written work isn’t immediately published online or in any other medium because it is part of a larger project. I also live with chronic pain (something that I was recently told will be with me for life) and I am surprised when I can still manage to write 2000 words on a bad day.

This being said, I think that perhaps I take my writing too seriously a lot of the time, because I don’t see that what I do publish is all that good and I sometimes regret the things that I post.

This post will be regretful, because I don’t like to think that other people feel I moan too much.

Other people who understand that I am a writer also judges that perhaps I am not too good a writer as others make out, simply because I have never published that many short stories on my blog and as far as they have witnessed from my Goodreads.com account I hardly read at all in comparison to most. What I have to say about that is, you can’t add newspapers, blog posts and magazines to Goodreads.com and a lot of my time is spent reading short stories from those.

If you saw me all day, every day, you’ll think I never stop reading and that would be true.

I am also an endless worrier, I worry about my blog posts quality – the punctuation and use of grammar, and I don’t think I have that down to a fine art and that’s simply due to lack of education, which I am trying to overcome by reading relevant books – which also gets me judged by people who know me offline.

I have been told by supporters that perhaps those comments are coming from sources of jealousy as they see the potential in me? But I am unsure if I can take that idea, being as those comments largely come from my support worker, immediate family and close neighbours, as my friends they should say encouraging things shouldn’t they?

I will be the first to admit though, that when it comes to my blog I am lazy – because I am enjoying world building, poetry and story writing that’s not designed for the online world. What I mean is; I don’t want to ruin my best work by having it already published on the internet.

What frustrates me is the fact that I get so many great supporters of people who have already made a success of themselves in the creative careers (don’t get me wrong, this is a confidence booster) however; it makes me scared that I am good. It scares me because I think of the years I’ve wasted being fearful and then I get frustrated as the fearfulness comes back at me again and again.

Yes, I am one of these people who know from so many people that I am born for success, but I am scared of it, very scared of it. I think that if I am successful, how much of my life will remain my own?

I am not a name dropper and I do not intend to mention names right here, but I have been contacted by singers, lyricists and novelists in private email messages, praising my efforts and even trying to kick me up the ass to get me writing more and taking myself seriously. I appreciate this, it’s a confidence booster and I need all the kicking I can get (from a positive source that is). I am trying my best to focus, I have 277 story ideas on my little notepad waiting to be written, 14 have been started, I am trying to focus on 2, but it’s hard, particularly when the characters in the TV in my mind act like I am channel hopping all the time.

I have noticed there are no creative writing books for thinkers who channel hop; I can’t be the only one can I?

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under About my work

feelings 1

I am trapped in a loveless world

When will my chains start to unfurl?

I feel though I’m here for eternity

Lost within a hapless sea

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems D - F

Presumption

 

Smile at the judges

Do not make presumptions please

All stories differ

Leave a comment

Filed under Haiku's

Mummy, you’re not a salad!

Listening to children can inspire more writing as they say the funniest and strangest things.

My son Henry is only five years old, yet he inspires me every time he talks to me. Yesterday I was having trouble getting Henry out of my bedroom in the morning whilst I got myself dressed, I chucked him out of my bedroom no less than six times, before he started to initiate a game with me; the game – he was Mr. Wolf and I was Miss Piggy and he was going to blow the bedroom door down and eat me up. I told Henry “It’s too early and I am not dressed yet”, to which he replied – “Mummy you’re not a salad, wolves don’t eat salad they eat little piggy’s”, which I must admit took me aback.

So always take advantage of communicating with children whenever you can, because they will inspire you, particularly for comedy and fantasy.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under My inspirations

shrug the bad feelings away

Nothing is more comforting than a hug

To help you shrug the bad feelings of the day away

Sometimes it is good to let others know, the way that you feel today

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems S - U

Ravens up there

Ravens fly

Ravens high

Up there in the far blue sky

Diving here

Diving there

Flying circles in the air

Oh what comfort they give to me

Their bad reputation, it does deceive

For they’re just birds that fly on by

Whether black or blue like the sky

 

Leave a comment

Filed under Poems P - R

Horror and mental illness

One or two of my poems have been considered to be short stories in my mind by me, I thought this was enough – however my husband and a friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that some of my poems are moreish and therefore they feel that I should work on making them into a larger story preferably novel sized piece.

My husband is quite persistent about two of the poems I’ve agreed would make a better larger story, therefore he is straddling me to the grindstone and making me get to work on them because I’ve been procrastinating on my leprechaun comedy for eleven years now and I am losing enthusiasm for it.

I’ve been advised by a friend too, that my fantasy work is good, but my horror is better as I seem to write more freely and graphically, which shows that this is where my genre should be. Funny enough I originally was a horror writer, I only entered the realms of fantasy within the last decade in order to get a wider audience and I was mistaken with the idea that I would be more free to do my own thing – in horror you can do that, in most other genres there does seem to be a general protocol.

I tend to read fantasy and horror but usually horror prevails as a reading choice for me, so therefore I know that I am more experienced with horror; I also have a sadistic, black sense of humour and a lust for shocking people; which I guess makes the genre perfect for me.

I know a lot of people are getting tired of vampires but, they are my favoured creature. However, I do love writing about mental illness (considering I have experience there too) and so writing about the horrors of the mind comes easy for me – particularly if it is regarding cruelty and isolation.

The novel I am attempting to write whilst I put my leprechaun comedy on hold is based around the self-harming and mental illness of a young girl who lives within an asylum and how she got there and why, the book will concentrate on the horrors of the occult, social services, abuse and isolation. There is more to the story, but I am not going to give things away, there would be no fun in that now would there?

So forgive me if the blog is neglected for a while, my husband really wants this story written and I am looking at my previous work with fresher eyes and I am very enthusiastic about this one. Who knows, perhaps it will become finished enough for me to have the confidence to post it up for YouWriteOn.com?

Ciao for now.

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under About my work

Is this procrastination?

I am curious as to whether or not I am alone in how I write, or more to the point, what I write?

This has been posted because I am sure I am the world’s biggest writing procrastinator that ever lived, yet, I love what I do whether it’s productive or not. I don’t sit around all day long writing poems, stories and songs. I sit around and write mostly about what I have done, my opinions based on current events and my own personal philosophies and reviews of the world around me. None of this has been published on my blog and nobody except for my husband reads them. Why? Because I feel that the world doesn’t have an interest in unusual babble.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but are people really interested in my written lists of meal options I make for myself? Are they remotely interested in all the facts I know of edible weeds and insects? (Some might be – but I am no professional on the matter); are people interested in reading my weird dreams and thought processes? I am not certain, but I am pretty sure I am not very interested in a non-celebrities thought patterns and so therefore I think that is a majority of the world, isn’t it?

So therefore, in spite of me sitting around writing junk, is that really procrastination or is this a valuable source? I eventually include some of these strange writings or habits in some fiction I write, but it’s a rarity. So is writing anything, whether its unpublishable junk or not, really worth my time and effort and could it still be considered writing?

Actually I think it would be interesting for you to know that what you are reading right now, is one of those times I have every day – my unpublishable garbage; I often have arguments like this with myself that I never publish on my blog due to the fact that I feel you will all be disinterested to read it.

Many times things similar to this seem almost like ranting, but it isn’t. They are just thoughts flowing from me onto the screen at full speed ahead, none of it is planned and it is oftentimes derailed.

Am I alone in this? Or am I a budding professional? You tell me.

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under About my work

2.5 hours sleep

Having only 2.5 hours sleep last night, I am quite surprised at how my brain is on top form this morning; something that’s been a struggle for over eighteen months now.   I scored 821 points in online scrabble and I’ve written over one thousand words before noon that’s going to be published on my blog, this is a record for me as I tend to linger over one thousand words in a whole day that’s usually utter rubbish and will never be published anywhere.

The post I wrote for my blog will be published on the 8th August so keep an eye out for it as there is something in this post that will be the main theme for that day.

That is…

As a writer I procrastinate profusely because I am overloaded with more ideas that actually knuckling down to work. I get an average of two novel or short story ideas a day and I have over seven large files containing just ideas, some of these ideas have been with me since I was ten years old and they are so vast (as in an epic series) that I can’t actually believe that anyone would actually want to publish all that drivel without severely abridging my work (insert pained expression here).

One of the main reasons why I have been afraid of professional success has been that an editor will come along and say to me; “cut this out and this and this and this” and I will be standing there agape and aghast that they dare think that they are gods of my worlds! Demons of apocalypse, back away from my creations you heinous, cruel, heartless reapers of my poor innocent imaginary friends, BACK AWAY NOW! (Holds up baseball bat in defence of my many worlds). Oh, OK, maybe I can kill a few darlings as Stephen King would suggest in his book “On Writing”, but it will be painful and they will be mourned by no one else except for me. Damn being a writer is depressing.

Anyway, focusing back onto this subject – I’ve tried to force myself to concentrate on one main story for the last few years and you know what? I don’t think my brain can work that way. I think I need to have many stories on the go at once, I know when I used to be like that I was more productive as a whole and I was told by a college lecturer (of GCSE English Literature) that if I want to be a writer I should focus on one story at a time or else I will become confused and so will my readers. Actually thinking back I think this is bullshit because as a writer I do more than just write my work, I actually read my own work too and edit to the best of my ability – so what utter tosh.

Since 2002 I’ve been working on a fantasy comedy based around some drunk leprechauns, I have the beginning, middle and end, but I have got bored with it seven chapters on because of computer faults deleting most of it with corrupt files etc., after four occasions where this happens and you have no hard copies you get a little disheartened with the story and start to wonder if the story is bad luck, don’t you? Well I do.

Anyway, between writing the leprechaun comedy, I’ve been writing snippets for an epic vampire series – something I’ve been working on since I was ten years old, god I love vampires.

The vampire stories will never be neglected, they are always added to at least once a week, even if it’s just a sentence, they will never be forgotten, because to me, they are my family and I will defend these stories the most if I ever feel brave enough to trust them with a publisher.

Over the years, before I started to concentrate on just one or two, I had started two dystopian stories, a comedy about a female wrestler, a comic about a cat, a comic about a sex crazed astronaut nun, a comic about dominant women invading a planet for mates, a crazy millionaire woman who kills herself after committing murder, a novel about a plague survivor, cowboy vampires, and a console addict sucked into a computer world – to name but a few.

Some of those ideas I gave up because I found similar books or movies during the writing of them by accident and was concerned of plagiarism, but having original ideas is difficult – so therefore I may start some of them up again and do them anyway soon.

No matter what genre I write, I don’t think I can help but have some humour in my stories – I would not be at all surprised if I eventually get coined as a crossover author for horror, fantasy and comedy.

I am starting a horror novel today, based on the advice of my husband and the fact that I am enthusiastic about it and it’s fresh in my mind – so, here I go…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leave a comment

Filed under About my work

Punctuation and grammar pedants

I have not socialised with other writer’s offline and not too much with them online either; the reason for this is unclear, I do try hard to socialise particularly in the Facebook writer’s clubs but they seldom reply to me direct unless offering criticism to my lack of punctuation or grammar.

I have often reminded members of these clubs that I have had very little education, due to being home-schooled and I have never gone into higher education and that most of what I know is self-taught; it is for these reasons that I lack confidence in creative writing, particularly when it comes to publishing anything on my blog. I have been told by many people that publishing things on my blog can be detrimental to my future of becoming a published writer because blogs are often considered too personalised and once published in an online media, it is considered published anyway.

When I have been active on these groups, I have never actively criticised another person’s work unless to praise their efforts, I seldom post any of my own work because of fear of plagiarism and it being noted as being published online. Perhaps this is the reason behind having so few writing friends?

Because the majority of those who talk to me about my writing concentrate a lot on my grammar and punctuation, I have become self-conscious of my writing, enough to start reading books such as “Eats, shoots and leaves” by Lynne Truss, “Improve your punctuation and grammar” by Marion Field and to try online punctuation and grammar games. I have been so affected by the criticism of the polishing of my work that I have even considered spending out more than I can afford for software called Grammarly, which I may have to put on hold for a while.

Despite trying to educate myself more on writing professionally I really don’t think it’s sinking in. I know I shouldn’t worry too much about it because if I was to approach a publisher they’ll have editors to help me in this matter, but for some reason or another it is a big issue for people within the writing communities online.

A friend of mine (who is a lecturer for Leeds University) feels that there isn’t too much of a problem with my punctuation, though some of it does need brushing up – but they feel that my critics are pedantic beyond need, as writers groups are generally there for socialising and for fun, not shooting down other members lack of abilities.

My blog may become quieter for a short phase because I am trying to brush up on these inconsistencies.

 

 

5 Comments

Filed under About my work