The beast of vengeance is hungry

There is a tempest building within my heart

A contempt that’s deep and true

As I keep remembering the hurt and pain caused by you

I sit and bitterly design a way for me to forget

That I ever set eyes and knew you, but vengeance is whet

I try to be a better person, not to become like you at all

But it is hard when you cut me deep and your lies are so cruel

I don’t want more pain as payment for mine

But the more you hurt me, the more my inner beast wishes to dine

Upon your heart, upon your soul, upon everything about you, gobble you whole

It drives me mad, I am insane, but then again, that was always your game

You meant to do this to me, I know

I don’t know why it was here, you wanted me to go

What was your plan for me all those years ago?

Was it really so bad to be a good soul?

You have driven me mad and to tears, a suffering that will last for many more years

But you are relentless, you won’t let go

All I want, is for them to know

But they think I lie and the truth they will never know

Because you will always make it so

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Like a spider to a fly, they will know your lie

Silence is no longer for me

I will talk and I will say the truth

I will tell people all about you

Whether you like it or not, about my youth

You can’t always hide from facts

You can’t always lie

One day it will catch you up

Like a spider to a fly

One day you will get slower in mind

One day you will slip up

One day people will hear the truth

Because one day you will fuck up

And I won’t be there when this happens to you

I abandoned you long ago

So be careful of the seeds you sow because you will never know

Which path they will take you, fast or slow

For the truth to be revealed

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Our biggest mistake

The Millennia bought so much hope to all around the world

Life was changing for the good

Medicine at its finest, racism crushed underfoot

Then a decade in its all trashed

With plastic waste and a democratic slash

Democracy is bleeding to death

And my heart along with it too

Life was good, but nobody knew

Nobody knew that how they lived would make the world askew

A simple little plastic, a few chemicals here and there

A carefree attitude to living that is what has me in a scare

Things have to change quite soon, not soon in fact, right now

Because how we live today, is our sufferance in the future – WOW!

Yes profound, but true wise words

Don’t keep on with your ignorance and being backwards

It’s time to learn it’s time to change, for you and all your future kin

Because trashing this beautiful world has to stop, it is a sin!

Not being religious now, but Earth is our home

If we kill this planet off this century where do we have to roam?

Nowhere, that’s where, you can forget living on Mars!

Mars is a desert, cold and cruel it is not as nice as ours

You have to take care of our ancestral lands, for we are ancestors too

Stop thinking about yourselves for a change, you are not here for long that’s true!

You got to think about the kids, about the creatures we all subjugate

Because if we don’t take responsibility, all of us!  It will be our biggest mistake!

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Better late than never

via Better late than never

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November 18, 2019 · 20:22

Update November 2019 AKA I am still alive!

I didn’t continue Inktober from day 5 and I haven’t done anything towards NaNoWriMo this year either, my health has got quite bad in the past few weeks, for some reason or another I have developed something new where I am sleeping an average of 10 to 15 hours a day and when I am awake, I wished I was asleep and this is something strange for me, because I not a person who loves their bed (unless I am making love in it)!  I don’t find sleeping a productive venture, other than maintaining health (which I don’t have any more anyway).  I am living in constant pain too; painkillers aren’t cutting it anymore for me, not even the occasional co-codamol, I am having almost permanent nose bleeds and other strange bodily phenomena, such as the feeling that I have a glass splinter in my foot and my arms are going numb and losing strength at random unpredictable times.

My IBD markers have also risen and my rheumatic arthritis has decided to wake up again, it often goes away and comes back again, remission I think it’s called?

My depression had got better until last week I received a medical request which puts my ESA medical due around Christmas week again, just as I felt that Christmas might be financially impossible this year I get this as an added assurance, because I don’t think I will pass it this year due to the fact that my consultants are very laxed in actually giving me a name for some of the things that are wrong with me.  I knew my local NHS is struggling as it the NHS nationally, but yesterday on TV I finally learnt why my consultants are particularly lacking in their treatments of me – they are part of what the government consider the notorious Nuffield branch crisis.

I never heard of it before now.  I don’t really understand what it means, but there seems reason to be concerned according to the news I watched last night about being part of the Nuffield problem.

I don’t vouch any knowledge on the thing.

All I know is that someone advised me to take a certain person to my medical this year as it may help my claim, because I am a client of a specific charity and apparently this could give my claim some weight.  I just hope I don’t sink.

I haven’t been able to practise my recorder for a month either, because I have been getting a little chesty, I was expecting this, because every year between November and March I get bronchial issues – I have been given medication for asthma but the doctor declines calling me asthmatic, I don’t know what that is about, but there is no name for my breathing problems when I get them.  When they get really bad the doctors say I might need to stay in the hospital as I always seem to get bad enough that they feel I am borderline of pneumonia or pleurisy.  Hopefully that won’t happen this year; I am tired of the fact that I haven’t had a decent healthy Christmas in almost 7yrs.  It is starting to make an Ebenezer out of me. 

I haven’t written anything other than 9 poems since my last post and I don’t think I like them enough to share.  Some of them touch very delicate subjects.

I have also managed to list whilst in bed, all of the story ideas I have had had over the years and number them, 187, that is scary and I felt instantly depressed that more than half will likely never be started let alone finished.

I noticed that I shouldn’t really call myself a horror writer too, as most of my stories are comic fantasy or dystopian, I think all in all there are only 6 non-vampiric horror stories in the list, about 12 vampire stories in the list, but mostly comic fantasy.

I have an idea for a sequel of a top Broadway musical, but I know I wouldn’t rightfully be able to write it as it will be an infringement of copyright and it is a shame because I really think that this sequel would be amazing.  The musical has always been one of my favourites, Annie.  I love most musicals anyway, but that one is special to me as I remember watching it the first time when I came out of hospital for the first time aged 5.

I won’t say my plans, but if anyone needs a sequel to it, please let me know – I am not a dunce, I will know if you are of genuine sources or not.  I have often thought about writing a letter to the source of the musical or current copyright holders, but not sure when I will take the plunge – as I am embarrassed, because of my health I may not be able to deliver on a strict dead-line.

Another thing I need contact from is from anyone who knows how to get my Henry onto junior MasterChef, he really wants to be a chef when he grows up, he has decided – he also wants to do a baking marathon for Children in Need next year, but I have no idea how he can do that, I can’t afford to give him ingredients for 100k of cupcakes, ha-ha, he will be 10 at the time too.

Wasn’t it amazing what Rylan did as well this year?  Henry always thought the guy was awesome, but now he is inspired to do a 24 hour baking challenge because of it, I said he won’t be allowed he is too young!  So then he thought of a specific number of cakes – though he says they have to be gluten and lactose free so I can have a couple!  Isn’t that lovely?  He thinks of his mummy?

I don’t know if it is a sign, but I have nearly finished a novel, when I get the energy back to continue it I will have about three chapters to do before I consider it done and coupled with this, I have been getting dreams.  Those dreams are of me moving house, every night I am in a different house in a new dream, what is weird is I accidentally found a house that is identical to my dream in Derby with identical surroundings in the town, specific shops and maps, it has blown my mind away about how I found that.  Thing is, I don’t think I want to leave Rugby.    I think it’s a nice little town, the people know me well like I have always been here and it is really is in the centre of everything you need in the UK – an hour from London, 45 minutes from Birmingham, 90 minutes to Manchester, it’s just a great spot to be!

I have discovered after reading several books in bed over the weeks that one of my main problems creatively, is that I overthink things.  I play too many ideas into others and eventually lose their uniqueness, I have learned to let go.  I have learned that it is ok to repeat themes in my writing in order to make things more interesting in places, but also learned that various themes can be used only once and there shouldn’t be any regret.  I have also learned that mentally I use the excuse of not having much experience in anything in life as a way of holding me back from having a life.

I am on a big learning curve right now, my mentality is changing and it is growing me.  I am also changing on a personal level – I used to be a very meek and obedient person who was afraid to make people unhappy even at the expense of it making me unhappy, but that too has changed.  I have started to learn that if I am not happy with something I will tell that person and I will try to maintain kindness as I do, but ultimately I won’t suffer anymore, not for others, especially as it was never appreciated in the past or even recognised.  I do however insist that I maintain kindness as much as possible and maintain a positive attitude, I have an intolerance for misery still, that is innate within me and I think that is in part the reason behind why I am more of a comic/comedy writer.  I know this blog doesn’t show that, as my poetry is often very dark, but my stories, when I eventually release them for the world to see, will be quite light hearted and funny – well I hope so anyway.  My poetry may still be dark and bleak in a lot of respects, because it helps release what is soaking my insides up, bad things from the past, my deepest yearnings, my tears and fears, I have to release this emotional cancer somehow, don’t I?

I never intended to be a comedy writer, it just happened.  I always intended to be a horror writer but as funny as it sounds, writing horror is horrible and I don’t like to do it anymore.  I used to relish in making people scared and feel sick to the stomach, but only certain people and now they are gone from my life I realised how neurotic they made me and how horrid they were making me.  So now I only want to make people smile, laugh is even better, inspire would be a jewel, but I would be happy with a slight upturn of the mouth from my readers and nothing more if only to make the world a bit more brighter.

(was written on the 14th November but only just got around to copying it for this blog – I have not been well, in fact the whole house has had the flu this week on top of everything else).

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Inktober day 5

Sorry to say I am a little embarrassed by today’s inktober post, it is lazy, because originally I didn’t want to do the art; only for an hour later for me to decide I would do something better, but since Posted that on DeviantArt.com already, my better picture didn’t get to come up as an inktober entry, I am a stickler like that!

So the rubbish and lazy art got the inktober day 5 title.

The silhouette of twilight is mine.

Henry did a wonderful space pirate, but he can’t enter the contest as he is under age; there is a space pirate character contest on Deviant Art right now which ends 31st October 2019 and must include a family logo, a special hat and a weapon.  You get to win a year core subscription and a wacom tablet if you win.  I wanted to do that, but I really don’t like the idea that it sounds like they are only after digital art, I am a traditional artist.

Inktober entry day 5.

 

Henry’s space pirate for inktober day 5

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You have the power

Nothing is impossible it is merely impassable for the time being

Obstacles are overcome, no matter what they are; you just need patience a positive mind and time

If you learn to think differently, eventually whatever you want will be thine

You have to change your mind, your ways, and your energy for if you don’t, you will be stuck in the same place you have created for yourself long ago

You don’t want this anymore do you?  You want it all to go?

It is easier than you think, that is the problem, what you think is the current enigma of your supposed defeat

You can free yourself and the way is easy if you learn to try, try and think and believe those thoughts to be true and you will realise

You had the power to be there all the time.

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Inktober Day 4

Nearly forgot to post this…

 

My giraffe done with sharpies for Inktober Day 4

 

Henry’s autumn day with autumn leaves for Inktober Day 4

 

My dragon coloured in from yesterday.

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Inktober 2019 – Day 3

Dragon guarding treasure Inktober Day 3

It is currently not coloured because today is my 37th birthday and I am spending the rest of the evening playing board games with my family; tomorrow I will colour it in and it will be available to be seen at my DeviantArt gallery, FFGallery.

 

Henry did the following picture for me as a birthday present, he also made me a lovely box to put my recorder cleaning cloths in, sort of like a washing basket for the recorder cloths, he made out of an old tissue box and painted beautiful butterflies on it.

 

Gift for mama

 

 

 

 

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Inktober 2019 – Day 2

HAPPY INKTOBER DAY 2 EVERYBODY!  TOMORROW IS MY BIRTHDAY!

 

Girl with gum, done with sharpies, by me.

 

Henry’s snowy day for inktober 2019

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