I am disgusted with myself today but my partner Paul ensures me that it isn’t my fault. I worked out last night how much I used to write compared with how much I write these days. Prior to 2013 I wrote an average of two million words per year, now I struggle to get fifty thousand a year. I decided this has to change and I have to get the old me back, primarily because I am going insane with the many ideas I have floating in my head – my brain is literally about to burst with literacy. My brain will soon be splattered all over the internet and in books, so look out world, because I think I’ve been ignited.
The question is, the last time I felt like this was in 2006 and I wrote no less than thirty articles, poems and short stories a day on one site, of course I can’t post that many here on my blog, as this will make me lose subscribers, I mean, come on – who will want thirty notifications a day? So I am debating about spreading myself onto two other blogs, so my subscribers don’t feel so bombarded – a cunning trick, but it might be worthwhile? Because once I am on the go, I am on the go – I used to be such a workaholic, totally addicted to writing and then for some reason, I lost it.
I believe confidence has a lot to do with the lack of writing as well as health issues – I have had chronic bronchitis off and on since Christmas! My confidence has been bashed by two people in particular, those people are held bent on ruining my reputation by any means necessary and has vocalised how they look forward to the day I become world famous, as they will be waiting.
Well there is nothing truly sinister about me but I still worry. Because it is the story of my life that whenever I do anything to better myself the world seems to contrive a way to embarrass me out of it and make me go back into my insular hole of hopes and dreams.
I have been chronically bullied as I have been ill, most of my life and I have the types of bullies in my life who are no longer present, but always comes back once they think I have started to grow, they treat me like a weed in an abandoned garden. Once a year someone comes along with a mower and cuts me down again, just in case I start to become too strong. I think this weed is going to need to use their shit as manure and grow rapidly into a man eating plant!