Tag Archives: BDSM

You’ve allowed me to imprison you

You must like pain if you still read my poisoned words

Always aimed at you

Always said in truth

Always breaking you, because you allow it

You allow it, because you sit and read

You sit and allow yourself to grieve

At the words I say to you

You are the fool

I am your cruel mistress

Because you allow it, submissive

You read it and I don’t make you

You’ve allowed me to imprison your mind

And I will always own you

As long as you still sit and read, sit and grieve

Even after I’ve disowned you

It’s true

It’s true

You’ve allowed me to imprison – YOU!

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Gerald’s Game – Stephen King

Stephen King’s Gerald’s Game

Gerald’s Game was an inspirational to me because I am active in the TPE BDSM lifestyle. I understand fully that Gerald and Jessie were not in the lifestyle and were just occasional kinky players, but this was a good read for me nonetheless. It was very descriptive, creepy and despite the main protagonist being tied up most of the time and being trapped with a rotting corpse; a lot went on in the story, particularly in the woman’s head.

Some people will view this story as a lot of senseless ramblings from a hysterical and half-delirious woman in a traumatic situation, but for me the novel was more than that. It was a great effort by King that showed that even in the toughest of times, people pull through it by trying to take their minds off the situation or to find humor in the terrifying situations that they are in – this was excellently portrayed in this book.

This is why Gerald’s Game is in my inspiration corner.

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daily pages 2 2015

I am not going to fall at the first hurdle of writing my daily pages, though currently it is hard to do when I have a constantly screaming 4yr old boy in the room with me and I have a mild headache with a double ear infection. Trying to think positively and trying to imagine I am well, I am healthy and I am not irritated by senseless and mindless toddler noises… trying, but not successfully.
My husband wants to take the family for a walk around the estate and village, but I am also interested in not only writing these daily pages right now which could take me about 90 minutes if I can’t think of anything to say, but I also want to watch whilst typing this a documentary about Neanderthals, of which I am convinced my son is one.
Also my brain is occupied with the music theme tune of a children’s program called gigglebiz, a program I hate, but the tune is annoyingly catchy on a religious level; that’s how I believe religion became so successful, good music, great lyrics, catchy and annoying tunes that you keep hearing yourself singing or whistling and before you know it, you think you’re religious because you like the music… scary stuff.
Want to control the world? Be a great musician that can create catchy to borderline annoying tunes that people will love to hate, and your work will never be forgotten and before long people will be living what you’ve written… think hippy! Think happy clappy!
People hate happy clappy because it gets into you so much if you allow yourself to listen to it.
Positive energy is just as catching as negative energy, though some positive energy can be difficult to get rubbed with, because there is always some kind of recoil from others… they’re so used to feeling negative and seeing things in a bleak way, that the light scares them… think about being in a cinema during the day then leaving the cinema at high noon with clear blue skies… painful huh? Energy works pretty much the same way.
Anyway on another note I have been playing word tornado on facebook a lot this afternoon and losing dramatically, seems like the whole world gets over 700 points and I only get an average of 580 – you know I doubt the authenticity of their so called talent because I play scrabble a lot offline with people and I am always the winner. I have a very broad vocabulary and a very cunning way in using the board and I hang around with people with very high IQs, so I guess there’s a lot of internet game cheating going on there.
What is the point? It’s a game, you don’t feel the same way when you cheat and win in a game than when you play honestly and win, so why?
I cannot believe that everyone I play against is a genius.
In fact I absolutely refused to believe it.
Anyway, rant about game cheating aside, for the last 3 months I have repeatedly borrowed one book from my local library called “The art of Gothic music and fashion” by Natasha Scharf. It’s quite a read and quite inspiring.
It’s one of those books that have double pages on each page, I am unsure what it is called, but you can sometimes find old Sherlock Holmes books that are like that, like newspapers.
In the books there is a lot about all types of gothic people, from Lolita goths to steampunks, unfortunately there is nothing in there about some people I know in the BDSM scene who are what is known as “Cyberdogs” gothic, black leather wearing dog roleplayers that where fetish dog masks, something that I have seen once or twice during my travels to Camden Town.
However, talking of cyberdogs the fashion company was mentioned there.
Woof, I think I would have liked to of come under that category if I was still available in the BDSM scene, though with my weight I’d probably look like some overweight bulldog… which no offense to bulldog enthusiasts or bulldogs in general, to me that’s not a good look.
I am listening to beautiful Greek music whilst typing this, yes the Neanderthal program was turned off about 90 minutes ago and I had a long game of online word tornado.
My toddler is sitting on the sofa bleary eyed with tonsillitis and all I can do is recoil as I am only just getting over severe pharyngitis where my GP felt I was nearly hospitalised earlier on this week.
I mentioned the Greek music because I remember a time I heard this exact song played at my mum’s friend’s house Niki and my mum mistook it for Asian music and told her, in an offensive tone to turn off the said music in the most derogatory term of phrase she could come out with – my mum’s friend Niki replied with zeal and shock and horror, that it’s not that type of music at all it’s Greek! To which mum seemed very embarrassed.
I love all cultures, I love their music, their food, their ways, I love learning about people from all walks of life, my only prejudice is religion of any mainstream kind, especially if people kill for the sake of their religion, or if their religion has a history of killing people when conversion was impossible.
Now my randomiser has turned on some medieval music, I am very eclectic (nearly wrote epileptic), my brother is an epileptic and I was told I have a minor form of it by a Rugby GP because I said I get some sensations on my head like people are stroking my hair from time to time which seems to be getting more intense lately, I don’t believe him personally.
I started these daily pages about 4 hours ago, still not finished. I am not in a creative mood today, today is a day off after all, it’s Sunday.
It’s not that I am not dedicated to my work, but today I woke up late and I felt in a reading or scrabble like game mood, particularly as my back is still getting over the fast bumpy bus ride I had into Coventry yesterday, I think they’ve sprained my back!
I am by far a hypochondriac by the way! Seriously not one, just bloody unlucky!
I also have a craving to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones on DVD rental by lovefilm, but when my 4yr old son is awake I won’t, he will not be allowed to watch such violence, I demand that! Also, if I couldn’t watch that then I would like to watch Van Helsing because in my opinion that’s very mild for a child to watch in comparison to other vampire movies, but when a female vampire threw the cow at a building Henry freaked out and got very upset over the mistreatment of the cow last year that he categorically hates vampires – bursts into tears, how can anyone hate them? They’re my kindred spirits!
My son hates me since; especially when I told him I love vampires and that I am one in my books.
All jokes aside our relationship did change after that movie.
I have at least another 600 words to write before the 3 pages are done for the day.
I still find it annoying that some relatives watch this blog, just so they can stop me talking about things that are TRUE AND REAL but they’d rather hide it under the carpet like some dirty secret. They keep brain washing me about skeletons in the closet and my brother isn’t the only relative either, some other relatives are encouraging me to speak the truth, some of them will shock my immediate family because it’s not who they think they are, it’s the most unlikeliest.
Because I was raised in a very unhappy environment, but no one is allowed to know that as I will be sued for defamation apparently.
So yes, like always, I am living under the shadows of blackmail by my bullying family.
It’s infuriating because originally this blog was set up as a form of therapy to overcome my problems, by the advice of my psychologist.
If I ever became famous, I would want people to know the whole me, no holds barred – not because I am an attention seeker, but because I don’t like skeletons in the closet. I would rather be honest and forthright to people, instead of sitting back meekly being a mystery – because let’s face it, before I moved in with my husband I hate no life before the age of 26yrs old… so that’s going to raise a lot of uncomfortable questions in itself, because my life, my experiences up until that point were very, very minimal and people will think that there were bad things about me directly, when in fact it wasn’t – it was things happening to me by bad people.
I also want to raise awareness of certain things once I am famous or even before I am famous, because there are a lot more ways to abuse a child or a relative that people originally think.
Isolating them, home-educating them to isolate them further, when they become adults, making major life decisions for them because if they refuse they will have bad things happen to them and they live constantly in blackmail. I put my foot down against my mother in 2013 because she tried to force me to commit fraud, that’s the truth behind why I don’t like contact with her now. Because she tried her best to make me commit a crime which is not within my nature, Paul was abhorred and it was him, along with a family support worker and my psychologist that felt that the break had to be made as I cannot raise a child around a grandmother who thinks that fraud is OK on certain conditions and that you’re a bad person if you don’t do it for your mother/grandmother.
Awareness of different kinds of abuse needs to be raised.

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More subjects in the blog

Time to expand this blog a bit; there will be new categories and tabs for you to choose from within the next few days, they will include;

 
A page about my experiences with Cosmic Ordering

 
Game reviews

 
A rant page for me to let off steam and see if my fellow readers also suffer the fools I do

 
Art, my own, my friends, and those that inspire me

 
Alternative lifestyles, a page about witches, vampires, Goths and the BDSM community and much more

 
My pet’s page, where I will update about the lives of my many pets as sometimes they inspire me

 
Contests I’ve entered

 
Health update as I am often sick

 
Daily Pages dedicated to the work of Julia Cameron, the author of the artist way

 
Food and places to eat reviews

 
And last but not least, recipes

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Reading deadline met June 2013

My reading list has gone down a lot; although I will be adding time on three books I’ve borrowed from the library because I haven’t finished them yet.

I finished “Testament of a witch” by Douglas Watt, it was a very good read but I found it a little too predictable.  The plot to me seemed to have been given away very early on in the book.  I enjoyed the prose like scenes and the descriptions very much, I was also impressed by the writer’s ability to understand and know what went on during those times.

The Rudolph Steiner school book I was reading helped me to determine that perhaps Steiner isn’t the best sort of school for my children as well as I used to think, but I am thinking about further research on the schools; I hoped they’d be good for my children because of their encouragement for spiritual and individual development matches what we believe a childhood should be like, so I was disappointed when I found perhaps it wasn’t suitable after all.

I liked “The Dork Diaries” but I am a little unsure where to go now, whether I should read the whole series or whether or I am best to leave them on the shelves of the library; because again, the plot in the first book seemed too predictable and also found it a little too cruel for a teen book.

“Cult Fiction” never actually told me what cult fiction was in so many words, but it did give me insight to popular writers I’ve never heard of before and gave a name to many art forms I was familiar with but never knew the names of.  This book was definitely mind broadening and I recommend it to people who aren’t too adept at art and literary terminologies.

“Pam Ayres, the works” was also a good read, very comical but I wouldn’t have expected anything less; I found her work to be very good, but not good enough to go out and add to my personal collection unfortunately.

“My dad is ten years old” by Mark O’Sullivan, was frustrating and I threw the book across the room, how many times does a writer need to empathize in the first three pages of a book that a person was running?

Along with all these books I added some more to the pile in the past three weeks and didn’t announce them on here, those books were; “Bible proven and 666 solved” by Erik Lee Giles, “101 corporate haiku” by William Warriner and “Miss Abernathy’s concise slave training manual” by Christina Abernathy.

The first book “Bible proven and 666 solved” by Erik Lee Giles was very good, very informative and shockingly accurate to my own beliefs.  I would love to engage in further studies of this subject, everything about the biblical revelations and doomsday attracts me.  I have many planned novels for various dystopian tales, apocalyptic landscapes and lifestyles caused by an array of disasters both religiously oriented and naturally oriented.  I rated this particularly book a five star on goodreads.com

The second book “101 corporate haiku” gave me insight to what I can personally do with my own haiku’s, it didn’t teach me how to create haiku’s it merely showed me by the writers own art form of his own work.  I read this book in less than ten minutes because it’s so small and quick to read.

Thirdly, I read “Miss Abernathy’s concise slave training manual” this book is about consensual slavery for those interested in a long-term, live in BDSM situations.  I find this book interesting for two reasons; one I am personally involved in this kind of lifestyle and secondly I also write erotic fiction based in and around BDSM.

The last book was very interesting; it opened my mind to a gentler approach and helped to advise me on how to socialise in the scene outside of the internet, albeit in America.

I’ve been to the library today and collected two pre-ordered books called “The Lady’s Maid” by Rosina Harrison and “Cuckoo” by Julia Crouch.

I have also added the first three books of DragonLance to my reading pile “DragonLance chronicles 1-3 written by a team of fantasy writers, notably Margaret Weis and Tracy Hickman; it’s a large anthology of the collection of which I’ve actually bought from Amazon and I am collecting them alongside the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett.

Needless to say, the last few mentioned books are the type of books I am planning on getting noticed for, alongside dystopian stories and erotica; despite this blog portraying me mostly as a poet. 

I am also reading “The Gothic” by David Punter and I am still reading “The revolting peasant” by Robin Page and a few other books I’ve mentioned since three weeks ago.

But I’ve read eight out of the eleven library books I’ve mentioned last month and my deadline was to read half of the eleven books by the 30th June which isn’t at all bad is it?

 

 

 

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For a prized posession

How carefully I held that diamante choker

Looking fondly at his little gesture

A marriage proposal usually demands a ring

But this trinket made my heart sing

For a prized possession demands nothing

 

This poem is written for the BDSM community; for those who don’t understand it’s sentiments, it is about a woman who devotes her life to the pleasure and calling of others, in two words a “consensual slave” (a person who consents to becoming a slave because they enjoy living their lives purely for another person’s benefit).  Some people find this kind of existence very rewarding, they can’t imagine living what they believe to be a selfish life, and a life of freedom is a selfish life because you are always thinking for yourself, some people can’t make simple decisions on their own life because they’ve been raised in such a dominating atmosphere as children, like me.

Before I met Paul I wanted to become such a person “a consensual slave” because I never thought I could make any decisions whatsoever for myself; Paul helped me realize that actually I am naturally leading, this doesn’t tally well with people who take on a slave lifestyle.

I was for a short term period a slave for a man.  He didn’t use me sexually like most people believe would happen, nor did he beat me to a pulp which people disbelieve.  I was his assistant, I helped clean his home and talk to him from time to time and he would give me little tasks for me to complete, this was to build me up to become a better person.  A more relaxed and confident person, now you can have confidence and be a slave, don’t get that wrong.

The only BDSM type punishments I would get were; if I put myself down, called myself ugly or stupid, he would force me to become naked, sit in front of a mirror, stare at myself for a while, then write down lines on a piece of paper “I am beautiful” 100 times, if by the end of that punishment I didn’t believe those sentiments he made me sit in front of him and I would receive clothes pegs on various parts of my body, that I particularly hated and was made to love them.

Sounds a little extreme for some people, but it did amazing things for my self-image.

He was a guy I ran away to before I met Paul, as I mentioned before, I ran away frequently.

People say, but he sounds very abusive, believe me, he was an angel compared to my mum – at least he wanted me to be myself and have a good outlook on my image and wanted me to have self-esteem, she would shatter that esteem as much as she could when I was with her.  So, if I had to choose between two evils in my life, I would rather him for an eternity than my own mother!

He spoiled me and refused to call me my given birth name – he insisted I was his princess and princess was to become my name.

He gave me a very cheap, but beautiful diamante choker as a token of my dedication to him and his dedication to me, unfortunately this relationship had to end as he got involved with a poly girl who was jealous and she scared the hell out of me, a bully she was and he wanted us to make peace, he even wanted to train me to stand up to her and knock her overblown confidence down as he felt it was something I needed but I didn’t want another life of warfare and the battle of the wits, so I swallowed my pride and went back to my mum.  I always went back to her when things didn’t work out with others, she didn’t care if I was there or not, but whenever I was living in her house she made it hard for me to leave again.  This isn’t because I kept running away though, she was like that before my first ever attempt at leaving.  So you can’t go blaming me for it.

Some dominants or masters as they’re called, don’t like sexually using girls all the time, they don’t always go in for humiliation or pain play, they just enjoy guiding girls and women to self-improvement, most want a woman whose reversed hen-pecked like stereotypical housewives, stepford wives, disciplined only if they burn dinner etc., but it’s all loving, it’s just a little bit of rough hanky panky and you’ll be surprised how many people love that kind of life.

There has been a couple of masters in the past, who doesn’t want anyone to change themselves whatsoever, they just want you to be with them forever and as a consensual slave, you always stick by people who want you and keep you, you don’t go leaving them at your own whim unless they affect your well-being so much that you have no choice.  It’s much different than the relationship between my mother and I too, yes she dominated me and I was a locked up abused girl for years, but it’s much more different when it’s a man who’s not related to you and a man who are on the kinder spectrum of this lifestyle.  Yes you get idiots, who are the stereotypical bastard male chauvinistic pigs, but generally, they’re not like that and you get a stupid few of anything bad in every other lifestyle, not just BDSM.

I’m not promoting BDSM; I am merely giving you my two cents on the subject, because there are a lot of misconceptions out there that needs to be erased.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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