I have always loved reading books about cosmic ordering and creating your own reality and yet still I haven’t mastered my own mind enough to make the realities I want – happen. I am not at all surprised at my financial status for two reasons, I am sick and don’t work and therefore live on benefit handouts, I do try and do something to help change this, but sometimes it can become too much to handle with all the daily symptom managing – also I am not at all surprised at my financial predicament because of another matter… the fact that I find money one of the biggest evils in the world, so therefore, it keeps away from me because of that mind-set. Well that is what cosmic ordering experts would say anyway.
So it is my own fault for two reasons. One I believe that money is a source of evil and two I am too sick therefore can’t work, therefore the universe adds more sickness to keep me in that reality. It is pretty screwy stuff, but I actually believe it to be true, which makes it all the worse for me I guess?
I am in what I call a ground-hog day of sickness and poverty and I have the knowledge that my own beliefs can change that. So, why can’t I favour money in a more benign light? Because I would be lying to myself, that is why and for me, lying to my-self is an even worse evil.
I have always been by nature a very philanthropic person, therefore I have tried to think about who could benefit from my future wealth, when I get it? There is always someone in need and I always want to help, but I am not a sucker for a sob story unless there is evidence for it first. So I have tried to concentrate on benevolence regarding money, because as evil as money is, in the current social climate it can be a blessing for many. I have another belief about finances too, whether or not it contradicts my former belief that money is evil or not, remains to be seen. But I have always lived by this financial code of conduct (before benefits came into my life) that 33.3% of my earnings go to me and my needs, this includes bills and essentials and fun, 33.3% goes into savings and 33.3% is invested in some way. Now to me an investment doesn’t have to go towards a personal gain for me, it can be an investment for a charity of which I will not benefit from – to me, it is a social investment, bettering the society I live in, I deem an investment. Not many people can understand where I come from stating this, but to me it is quite simple, the more money you put into your local charities and amenities, the more you will benefit and future generations will benefit. It is a shame people recoil so much from taxation and donating, they just don’t see how it can benefit their local area, and they can only see what benefits them, unfortunately they don’t always see it as a positive circle which could include them eventually.
Currently we live in a world where the idea of a no money system is a non-starter; as much as I hate it, I have to come to terms with it and work out a system for my-self which will make me and others around me happy.
I have never really wanted huge extravagances, but I have wanted comfort and happiness – I mean, who doesn’t?
To me a luxurious life would come across very basic, plain and simple to a lot of people of today. My main desires for a happy and indulgent life is determined by how big a piece of land is that I will personally own in order to grow my own food, raise my own chickens and geese, build an adventure playground for my children, entertain guests with lovely BBQs or alfresco dinner parties, a very large area for rewilding, as I love wildlife and want to save it. I have thought if I ever became rich that I would buy woodlands just to make them a nature reserve, stopping logging companies and housing from using the land.
For me a luxurious life means I would be able to afford natural fibres for my clothing, I dislike all the plastic in my clothes. I would be able to afford a very healthy allergen free semi-paleo diet – why semi-paleo? I like legumes; I like vegan cheeses and gluten free grains that’s why.
My idea of true happiness is the ability to care for animals too. To have the pets that I desire, though I will not be one of these horrific pet hoarders like most people who know me personally think I could be if my finances were better, I am not like that; I will never take on more than I can manage. Despite my dreams about running a small holding or a farm, I know and realise it is just a dream, even for when I am better off, because I know my physical limitations, and unless I can afford staff to help me run things, then I can’t live exactly how I want to.
For me, luxury is being able to go out to town and choose something to eat without worrying about the cost. Without worrying that my trip to town on a bus and a lunch would actually take half of my week’s food bill away – which it currently does, hence why I rarely see the doctor, despite needing to see them more often than I do.
Luxury also means that a zoo trip won’t be negotiated with Henry about whether or not, if we go to the zoo, we may not be able to go to the Severn Valley this year or have a birthday party, and to me luxury would mean that we can do it all that year and go to other places too, such a beach – we’ve never been to a beach as a family before. I haven’t been to a beach since I was fifteen years old! I have only visited the beach twice in my entire life!
I have never had a proper holiday, the only thing that came close to it was a four day camping trip in Yorkshire with some spiritual friends, but that is the only real holiday I have ever had. I am curious about a few places in the world, but I wouldn’t say I have a strong desire to travel; I am very boring regarding this. I get home sick by day four; I can’t be away from home for more than four days at a time. I am a home stayer and lover. For some reason people think this makes me a recluse?
Unfortunately the places I would like to go to are so remote, it will take four days to get to them, I have researched, and so by the time that I would have got to those places, I would be pining for home again. I find it a struggle to be in hospital for more than three days. I know that isn’t exactly a holiday, or a hotel, but the ten day stay at hospital when I was having Henry was very emotionally difficult for me that they felt the depression was postpartum and very nearly kept me in longer because of it, until I had almost broken down and burst into tears explaining how I have never coped being away from home for too long. Then they had to release me.
I think I know why I am like that. In my past when I have been away from home for more than four days, I have come home to big changes that were always uncomfortable. Also after around two weeks of being somewhere something strange happens mentally, where I feel like that new place is a new home and unless I leave that place quickly, I will start to pine for that too. There are many places in the UK I pine for, even to this day, because of stays longer than four days. Not holidays, family visits that were prolonged. I don’t include a six week stay in Cheshire with an aunt as a holiday, funnily enough. As a child being sent to this person and that all the time for varying lengths, I guess I have a nomadic heart, but I have always been bought back to base as it were. I get itchy feet, but I don’t like to stay away for long. It is all rather difficult to explain.
But generally the longer I stay somewhere the more I will pine for my actual home, then the longer I stay in that place, the more likely I will start to pine for that, like home. Basically going somewhere new will be difficult for around ten to fifteen days, and then I readjust and think that this new place is another home. I have homes everywhere in my head, but none of them are actually my homes.
Shrugs* I am mad I guess?
But yes, I miss a lot of places. I miss a few places in London – Burnt Oak, Hammersmith, Hendon, Brent Cross, Wembley, Barnet, Finchley, Whetstone, Enfield, Northolt, Kingsbury, Edgware, Portobello Road, Camden Town, Kentish Town, Swiss Cottage and Kensington. I miss Luton (I know who misses that? Well – me), Dunstable, Aylesbury, Leighton Buzzard, Wickford, Basildon, Margate, Crewe, Leeds, Market Drayton, Telford, Manchester, Halifax, Sheffield, Sunderland, Scarborough, Derby, Seven Sisters, Maidstone, Barnstaple, Battle and whatever that little village on the Welsh border was (I never knew I was a kid when I was there for a while) same as a small village in the Scottish Highlands too, Crawley, Radlett and Slough. Imagine if I did have houses in all those places, I would need to be rich just for them! It would be ridiculous to purchase houses in places like these though and selfish. But for me there would need to be three homes in specific locations, because of how long I know I would stay in specific areas for, because to me they are too much like home. A house somewhere in Barnet or Hammersmith & Chelsea, London; and a house somewhere in West Yorkshire or Cheshire, as well as something suburban or semi-rural around Rugby, Warwickshire. I could stay at either of these areas until I start pining for the other, then, instead of constantly pining for places I can’t even afford to visit for the day, like I do now.
I make do with wherever I am put though. I get on despite my pining’s. I don’t mean to sound depressing or down-hearted, but I have got used to disappointments and discomfort, as my mother always made sure I never felt settled in any regard in life. Therefore, she has made me resilient to change and adaptable to most hurtful and life changing situations – by making certain things happen so regularly I eventually became numb to certain types of sentimentality. In a bad way too, in one particular thing; that I have learned that nothing is permanent, I must always expect things to change drastically and quickly, things such as people dying. Don’t get too attached to organic things such as people or animals, because they can die. I will mourn an animal more readily than a human, despite how much I may deeply love that human and I have always been afraid of losing Paul or Henry, because, I am not known to cry for human passing’s. It could be because my mother was very aloof about it all when I was growing up and if I was to shed a tear she would berate me and make me feel humiliated for being sad about a person’s death. It could also be because I am clairsentient, a strong clairvoyant.
I don’t usually talk about that part of me. It weirds people out, but it is a true part of me.
Some people when they die can take ages to visit in the spirit world, some people don’t understand that. There is a cleansing process for spirits when they first die, some can visit us literally within minutes of dying because they don’t have that much baggage, others can take years before they start visiting the living again. My grandma, Dolly, took nearly nine years before she started visiting me, whereas grandad only took a few weeks.
But generally to me, luxury is comfortable natural fibre clothes, the ability to travel across the UK whenever I like without financial strain, to eat a healthy diet, to have a lot of family time, gardening organically and for wildlife on a large scale, the financial ability to fund continued learning in desired subjects, charities and pets. That’s all I really want.