Tag Archives: deafness

Carnival of Lost Souls

This is NOT my personal work http://www.amazon.co.uk/Carnival-Lost-Souls-Nox-Arcana/dp/B000FOT9EE/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1436560945&sr=8-4&keywords=Nox+Arcana

A lot of my work comes about because of the thoughts that come to my mind when I listen to certain music; my inspiration changes with each kind of music I listen to, this is why I love instrumental music, particularly that from Nox Arcana.
I have all of their albums, they are essential for me to work effectively. Never before has a band affected me in such a way as Nox Arcana. Their music is exactly the kind of atmosphere I need to set my brain into for my work in fantasy and horror writing and art.

I might very well review each album or song separately someday, but the most listened to album for me is this one – Carnival of Lost Souls.

The amount of fantasy horror I’ve thought of. I have even thought about a comic series because of this music, this along with (sorry, something not Nox Arcana related) = The Honky Tonk Merry-go-round by Patsy Cline. Oh the things I have dreamt, thank you Nox Arcana, very much for this one. Johnny Depp is going to love you all the more if he ever reads my stuff and found out his new nightmares were inspired by you. *insert evil laugh here*.

Since I lost Cubase many moons ago, my computer isn’t hooked up with music composing software anymore (and I can’t read or write music, but I can play by ear and compose – with the software). My music was similar to Nox Arcana, that’s why I love it so much. I think the band must be within my soul group or something? Anyway, once I figured out how to configure my old Microsoft XP files onto my new computer (perhaps in Neverwhere) I will load up my old music and share it. Otherwise, if I really am in Neverwhere with that then my old music has been lost in the ethers of time forever. *Insert forlorn pierrot here*.

My creativity really is controlled by the type of music that’s around me at the time. In the times of no music, I tend to write flatly and that’s only suitable when I am writing non-fiction or essays.

Now being deaf, I rely heavily on vibrations, lip-reading and my two hearing aids and I am not looking forward to the day that my consultant said is in the near future, that I will lose my hearing altogether. Unfortunately at the time this was said to me, the consultant in question told me that there is nothing they can do to repair my hearing if the worst case scenario crops up, thankfully I know someone in the ENT department abroad who says that’s utter tosh. So fingers crossed that I will never lose my hearing completely.

I don’t know what I would do without my Nox Arcana!

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Daily Pages 1 2015

Daily pages are just that, to be written daily.
If I for whatever reason have forgotten to do so, some day, please email me at misstcousins@hotmail.com and tell me to pull my finger out and write them, if you are a fellow author or artist, because I need some motivation and support in my creativity at times; being lonely and without creative friends makes me lethargic and lazy.
Usually it is required to write three pages per day in your daily pages alone until you have built a habit of writing again; I start these and do it well for about seven weeks but then I lose interest and then I do not write for three or four months at a time; this is not because I have no interest in writing or because I am forcing myself to write because I am interested in the money prospect once published – but because I get lazy, I get ill, I get side-tracked by new games online or 1000 piece puzzles and painting.
I am 32yrs old, I have only one friend offline and I see her less than once a month because I live an isolated life, because of my sickness. I am trying to see her more often, especially as she is only four doors away from my house and her name is Alona, she is Latvian and we became friends because my son and her daughter goes to school together and are in the same class and are best friends.
Alona seems to me to be the perfect friend, one that is there for you during your ups and downs and though I personally don’t see her often, she helps a lot. My husband and my son see her daily and occasionally she looks after Henry for me if I have appointments that are at the times where we should pick him up from school – he enjoys going there and playing with his best friend Alice.
I just wish I could do more for Alona, as I am sorry to say it all seems too one-sided this friendship and I feel like I am taking advantage of her good nature.
Alona’s husband is a builder and has often offered to do our house up for us for free, I couldn’t possibly allow it, he works too much as it is.
I am reading a lot more lately too, I am getting through two to three books a week now, particularly books based on art and how to paint and cosmic ordering.
I must say however, that the more I read, the less I want to write fiction because I feel that I am stealing from someone all the time or many people, I don’t think there are original ideas anymore and I don’t want to come across as a cheating fraud; I have been on numerous writers groups online and they’ve all said that I shouldn’t worry about it and just simply write and get things published as a lot of people have confidence in me that I have natural talent not only in writing but also art. I still feel fraudulent though.
Today is a Saturday when I am writing these daily pages and they won’t be published until tomorrow, daily pages will be published on my blog the day after I have written them because I am trying to get ahead in my writing of this blog.
I am a little confused by myself, I created this blog to be based mostly around fantasy short stories and it has become a personal life and poetry blog instead, fully unintentionally, I am actually disappointed in myself for allowing it to be side-tracked, but it will be side-tracked a lot from now onwards because I do plan to talk about a great number of things, from food, to culture, as well as fiction and poetry.
Horror will be present on this blog too, so if you’re going to be too squeamish it might not be for you.
I am also very spiritual and will talk about various things in regards to spirituality and the occult.
Something random, today I went the hospital for an appointment with my consultant, yes a Saturday morning, no lie ins today; and on the bus I saw a lovely site, sitting on the fence in the beautiful English countryside just outside the East side of Coventry city, between Pailton and there, was a buzzard watching some sheep and it turned its head and looked directly at me, it was amazing.
I was also confused by some hedgehogs which seemed to be up and about at midday, two in fact, in half a mile distance to one and other, I thought they were strictly nocturnal.
I am unhappy with the fur I found outside my house today too, lots of it, looks like some animal had had it ripped right out of them in the night, I was a little unsettled, because I got myself involved a few years ago online with some witch friends and I got myself an American boyfriend who turned nasty and jealous with my offline friendships in the UK and he turned my friends against me and when they hate someone they do curse them and stalk them and tend not to forget them. It makes me wonder, you know?
Though Paul my husband reckons he heard a very aggressive cat fight last night around 3am, I take his word for it because I am nearly totally deaf these days without both my hearing aids in and when I am asleep the only way I can wake up from day to day is to be patted on the rump, I can’t even hear an alarm clock!
It is weird you know to think that it is cheaper to travel 120 miles away to visit a friend to a free entry fete in Sheffield than it is to go to a local adventure playground park, I bought this up because soon it is half-term and I am thinking about doing something with my son Henry; I was hoping to take him to The Conkers Discovery Center near Ashby-De-La-Zouch and it would cost us for the whole day around £90 – 110, whereas a trip to Sheffield to visit my friend at a free classic car show will be £18 return ticket via coach, it’s a mad world.
I then looked into taking him to the nearest zoo, all costs included; train fayre, food, tickets etc. will set us back £250.
We have a leaking roof which will cost us £3000 to replace as we’ve bought this house outright now, we have a new boiler system being put in next week and we are in dire need for a skip that will cost £150 for what we need.
My health is getting really crap now, excuse my French and so, I thought enough is enough and it’s time for a change – so I decided to re-enter my interest in cosmic ordering and ho’oponoopono to get my life back to where I want it to go and not where other people are forcing it to go.
I was told for cosmic ordering to be truly beneficial to you and your life, you must not set yourself limits or be humble in what you want, you’ve got to be completely honest with yourself about what you want from life or else it will feel you are trying to cheat the system and you won’t get exactly what you want – or if you do, there will be things you will still be unhappy about – so I have made a list of the things I really truly want, to the maximum and greediest of my dreams for a perfect life.
My wants and needs are thus;
I want a garden bigger than 1.5 acres not sure how big I am willing to go, but the garden must be able to contain a large area for guinea pigs and guinea breeding and rearing (breeding to keep and show, not sell or give away). The area should contain several pens to separate males and females for selective breeding and each pen should contain 20 individuals with lots of space for toys, and a little tunnel that leads outside in the garden for fresh air. My husband Paul used to breed guinea pigs in the past, so he has the necessary experience to do this.
The garden must also be big enough for me to have an agility training area for my dogs, Paul and I have agreed we must have at least 4; one pair will breed a litter where we will keep at least 1 pup and keep that line in our family for generations if possible. Again I will show my breeding pair of dogs, the other two dogs I won’t because we plan on having a giant breed and a lapdog, the breeding pair will be some kind of spaniel or collie. I have the necessary experience to train dogs, in fact I very nearly got a job as a police dog trainer, but because the job involved me bringing home two pups to live with me during their training my mum wouldn’t let me take the job (I lived with her at the time).
The garden must also be big enough for 50 fruit trees, particularly apples and hazelnuts, as we want to hire dormice to help them breed and work with the national wildlife trust.
We also want a vegetable and fruit patch at least 50ft square.
We want a large patio area with potted herbs that’s approximately 30 by 30ft and a large BBQ area; this patio area might be extended to an outdoor swimming pool that will have a pull enclosure that’s attached to the house so we aren’t limited to using it only in the summer.
We also want a little meadow flower patch to attract bees, we want to hire a beehive, and we also want a pond big enough to take 6 Aylesbury ducks.
We also need an area to put chickens, up to 30 of them.
And a little flower garden, a football field for the kids, another field with several adventure playground apparatus for the kids and finally a little moss garden retreat for me.
Ideally this house will contain a brook or a stream flowing through the garden somewhere.
As for the house we need a lounge for visitors, a family lounge, and a large shared office for me and Paul, a huge kitchen with a dining area and room for a sofa and an island and a walk in larder, as I am Ina Garten in this family.
We also want a separate formal dining room as we will host dinners.
We also need a large art and music studio as I do compose music as well as paint and write.
A play room for the kids downstairs would be an added bonus, a downstairs toilet, an outside toilet, a three car garage, an annexe for a housekeeper, and a minimum of 5 bedrooms because I want more kids and I have relatives that travel down from Manchester a lot who needs a place to stay at Christmas time.
My life will involve painting, writing, composing, and voluntary work, prop making for theatres and going to auction houses.
Ideally I would want for nothing, never to be in the situation again of deciding between going to the hospital via bus or having £8 less in the food budget that week, which is a lot, considering the current food budget, is £50 a week.
I do not want to drive, but Paul wants a large garage for two cars, one that’s large for day trips with the kids and friends, and another little run around for us to do shopping in when the kids are at school, he also wants a RV as we’ll take regular trips to Great Yarmouth and Dorset and the peak district for photography and rock pool reasons.
We’d also like to drive across Europe from time to time.
I would love to go to the fantasycon every year; I would love to go shopping in New York at Christmas time. I would love my health to get better so I can start living now I am away from forced isolation.
I want to be able to be a Goth again (though not a strict one as I get rainbow moments, hippy moments, sexy jazzy moments, steampunk moments and middle eastern harem belly dancer moments) and to afford their plus sizes as I am not a lightweight, I can barely afford normal types of clothes, let alone alternative fashions.
I want to say to my son, yes I can buy you those Disney Cars pyjamas that are £25, there you go – I want to be able to buy things off the rack in shops and not have a buy now and pay later account in some catalogue.
I want to surrender to my urges that one day I wake up and I say to myself, I want to go by bus to town, just to go to the library and sit about for a couple of hours and then come back home without second thoughts that this will cost me £7 out of our weekly food budget.
I don’t want to sit around for 3 months waiting for me to save enough to get more brushes or paints to finish a painting I’ve started, which is a regular occurrence.
I want to make friends that are so at home with me they think they’re family – I don’t want friends that are there just for fun or just to rant about life, I want positive, creative, spiritual and family oriented people who want friends because they want emotional support, they love people, they crave being with others and sharing food and homes with them.
That’s the dream life for me.
This is what I am working towards with my cosmic ordering ideas.
Wish me luck xx

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time to start living

It is not unknown that I have a lot of health problems, in fact more often than not my ailments these days make me bed-bound with bacterial and viral infections and my left eardrum is collapsing, which could leave me totally deaf if it weren’t for the technology of hearing aids.
However, I had decided last week to restart doing my blog regularly and concentrating hard on writing, art and photography in general because I am tired of being dependent upon an insecure government; I am also bored of not being able to work away from home or volunteer anymore, but I can’t help that as I have auto-immune-inner-ear-disease aka AIIED, which means I get about a 2 to 5 days of normal health a month, not conducive to the workplace.
I will have several new sections coming up soon on this blog about Cosmic Ordering, because I am using this to turn my life around; I’ve always been a bit of a Pollyanna which is one of the main reasons I had a lot of problems as a child, so I just need to refocus a bit. I am especially interested in Cosmic Ordering and the methods behind Ho’Oponoopono because I have been told that it is likely I will need more surgery on my ear in the future, my roof is leaking, my health is getting ridiculously bad lately, I’m poor as a church mouse and… well, basically enough is enough and it’s time for a change.
I had another small pause to my blog from my previous post because I went down with a big bang with what my GP described as severe pharyngitis (diagnosed on the 3rd February) and was told that if this didn’t show signs of getting better in 48 hours I could find myself in hospital receiving treatment intravenously; scary, I am still ill as I am typing this – but not as bad as I was and I am thankful things are getting better.

 

I am trying my best to stick to my plans of the Ho’Oponoopono chant and the Cosmic Ordering guides from the Mohrs and various other people – especially my very good friend Richard Gentle who has written lots of material on the subject of Cosmic Ordering, negative miracles and crystal wand healing; in many respects it was he, who gave me the confidence to start doing this and he did this a few years ago, unfortunately my life back then was full of negative people who always undid whatever I tried to do to improve myself, that is no longer the case, in fact, quite the opposite.
One of the biggest steps to changing your life to a more positive stance and being your true self, is to leave the people who do not accept you, whether they are family or not.
So I will finish now with this post, to let you know I intend to get busy and post more often.
Thank you for reading
xxx

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I’m back

I am back after a long illness, still not fully recovered but missed updating this blog a lot.

I had a sinus infection in December which affected the chest too and by late April I got pneumonia because of the prolonged infection; thankfully pneumonia is no longer an issue, though I still have those infections even now and I have been told on Wednesday that there could be further health complications with my ears.

The sinus has caused pressure in my left ear which has affected my hearing due to making the ear drum deformed (hopefully temporarily); this is scary stuff as I am already completely deaf in my right ear and have been since 1997, so this is worrying news indeed.

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Crystallaphones and plans

My plans for after Christmas are to find distance or online courses to learn how to read music and actually start becoming proficient in a musical instrument that’s not piano/keyboard based; this is because my interest in song writing and composing is becoming almost unbearable to ignore, particularly as I don’t have anyone in my life who’ll cause me stress anymore (other than a 3yr old son, but he’s sweet and easily worked around). 

I have found a new instrument that takes my interest and I hope I am lucky enough to do a part exchange with my electric guitar to get one, but I’ve heard to find one even in a music shop is rare, the instrument is… a crystallaphone, or as some people will know it as a glass xylophone; however it’s very likely that I’ll end up with a left handed electric guitar as a replacement (as I didn’t take my disability into consideration – my left hand has short tendons).

I am still heavily interested in watercolor painting and sketching, but I have put that on a back burner since I’ve been ill for the last three weeks, also the house needs organizing as I need to prepare a workspace for the art and the music I would like to take up.  I am slowly introducing myself to small chunks of work a week, roughly two hours a time, three days a week to settle into it because I am regularly ill, hence the unemployment I am in, I can’t hold a job down, not even a voluntary placement these days.  The mind and heart is willing but the body will not comply.

I need to find something that I can do from home but does not require me to use the telephone (not because I am unsocial, but because I have fluctuate hearing and regular ear infections that even an amplified phone is useless with) and despite this being the age of texting, not a lot of professionals or customers like communicating with staff via text only and most forget your hearing problems because when they talk to you face to face and you respond (because you’re an excellent lip reader) they think oh it’s not so bad.

Yes I know it’s strange that a person who has regular hearing problems wants to compose music, but there’s been others out there who have done it proficiently, so why can’t I?  I believe I am right in stating that Beethoven was stone deaf wasn’t he?  And one of the bee gees, he was like me, partially hearing, wasn’t he? And their music is great, isn’t it?

I don’t want to be a singer, I couldn’t take the commitment there because I never know when I am going to be sick and most of my sickness is based around practically all the aspects of the ear nose and throat, which doesn’t help for a singing life.  When I was younger I trained in opera but after the age of 12 I couldn’t sing it regularly enough to be considered talented in it, because I developed regular mastoid infections which needed regular operations etc. and singing became quite painful for me literally.

So with that said, I am trying my best to make myself a creative life and I hope that when things take off I find people who are sympathetic to those who have health problems and will help me work around them in a non-stressful manner.

 

 

 

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taboos, cliche and offense

I’ve known some people who reckon they’ve got some very good ideas for a book, but, they’re afraid of offending someone with what seems to be socially taboo subjects.  These subjects range from, religion bashing, racism, a sexual orientation the author personally doesn’t have; a cliche idea of a group of people and even in some cases they’re afraid of the dialogue being wrong, not to mention class discrimination, bullying and abuse.  If that’s the main theme of your story, then why be afraid of the response?  You cannot please everybody all of the time, you are bound to offend somebody with something you may not have even thought of.

I have read books where if I read more than ten swear words before the second chapter I hang the book up if the character isn’t known for some kind of aggression earlier on.  That offends me, to the majority of the public it seems, they aren’t bothered by this kind of writing, but I am.

I have read books where they’ve done mindless violence to an animal that serves no purpose to the book, I sometimes reluctantly read on, but I am offended nonetheless.  I understand some people are offended of hunting, although I hate animal violence; I am not opposing hunting if it is for food and food only!

Some people seem to think abuse and neglect autobiographies should be removed from the shelves, I personally don’t.  For me, it helps me to overcome the abuse I experienced as a child, in some ways it can also help me get into the mind of my abusers.  It also helps me to respect the welfare more, I used to feel they’ve failed me, they had in a way, but it wasn’t entirely their fault, they tried their hardest for me, but they couldn’t gather enough evidence to pull me from that situation.  When I ask the people opposing these books why they’re against them, they believe that it might give abusers ideas of what to do to the children they’re in contact with, it could help them cover things up more by learning things from the abused child’s perspectives.  This is a serious concern, but I truly believe it helps victims more than it creates more predators.

From what I know of my abusers and from those I’ve read about, abuse comes spontaneously and compulsively, almost without plan, abusers seem to be opportunists rather than planners.

People who neglect do tend to plan on neglecting the child sometimes, or may have mental health problems where they didn’t realize or mean to neglect their child, in my case, my mother was too busy to actually sit back and think “Oh my God, my daughter is genuinely sick, got to take her to the doctors”, my mother was a career woman who truly believed that everybody was trying to hold her back and that I was hungry for attention and needed to be stamped on so I don’t get in her way, so she did medically neglect me to the extent I lost all the hearing in my right ear and needed emergency surgery to prevent an infection going into the brain, it was eating its way through the bone.  There were other medical problem she chose to ignore, for example, losing her temper and picking me up wrong and dropping me head first onto a concrete floor, a huge lump appeared on my head and I complained of not seeing properly and being dizzy and vomiting, she ignored me as making a scene to embarrass her in front of a friend and sent me to bed, for weeks I could barely see until a teacher became frustrated that I wasn’t understanding anything in class and seemed to have severely gone backwards since the previous term, drastically so and felt maybe I needed my eyes tested.  It turned out, I needed very strong glasses, I blame the accident on it, I was fine before and the reason why it took so long to pick up?  My mother wouldn’t let me go back to school until the bump had completely gone, claiming I caught a nasty virus and I had to look after myself at home all day whilst she and dad worked, this was before the welfare got called in.

This aside, all in all, there is a big difference between abuse and neglect, which isn’t widely known.  I was unlucky enough to be the victim of both but I won’t add much more detail than that here I have another blog which I will be started up soon, as a type of therapy for me and I’ll update you on that site another day.

So are these books wrong?  Are they right?  I can’t say, but for me they help me, for others it might be detrimental, but who are we to judge?

Salman Rushdie is considered a living legend in literature, yet his books sparked him to become the victim of a fatwa.  Yet he didn’t mean to bring about a negative response to what he hoped would be viewed as a book of comedy.  Some people just don’t have a sense of humor when it comes to their religion, but we can’t help that.  I we cannot control people; we cannot control whether they like our writing or not, so why sit back and worry?  Yes, OK, you could become the next literary victim of a fatwa or you could be murdered by a reader who hates you, you can’t sit back wondering what if, should I, shan’t I, because you’ll go crazy.  Just write and leave the criticism to the readers, you will be criticized a lot, but you will also be praised a lot too, you can’t tell which way the table will turn.

If you’re book has your characters having lesbian sex between two aliens whilst laughing their heads off at all our worlds religion and leaders and cultures and you individually pick out some examples to put in your book, you will offend a lot of people from those categories, but will that make it a bad book?  No, it will still be humorous, to those outside of the categories or those within who actually have a sense of humor.  So write it!

More later…

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