Tag Archives: ENT

A monster calls (a non-review)

Last night I finished a book called “A Monster Calls” by Patrick Ness, I won’t say this is a review per se because it really isn’t – but I would say it is more of a little chat about the characters. 

I felt that this book was a huge tear jerker, it certainly got my eyes watering in parts – as for the monster, well to me the monsters in this book aren’t what you think they are, I think this book has a moral and that is “not everything is as it seems and don’t judge a book by its cover” you will misinterpret at the very beginning who the monster/monsters are, trust me, you will only find out in the ending chapters the truth of who the monster really is.

Because it is a twisty turning fabulous book, I won’t give you any spoilers other than what I have already said. 

Now, about the characters, the main character is a boy named Conor who is going through a huge amount of trauma at the age of thirteen – but I am more interested in mentioning the supposed monster that comes to visit him at 12:07 every night – why skip the main character?  Because he is just a human boy going through a bad time and I am more interested in the fantasy aspect of this book rather than the realism of it.  The so-called monster is nothing more than a big brash ancient yew tree that comes alive like an ent from middle-earth to basically have a chat with the young boy and tell him a few stories.  I loved this about the book because in the past ten years I have thought off and on about writing a novel about a tree that comes to life as well based on the Germanic folklore of the wood wives, the wood wives according to legend are beautiful female spirits of the forest who are also vampiric, basically vampiric faeries who turn into trees and bring trees to life amongst other things;  I am also interested in the yew tree because it is very similar to the avenging birch tree from the short movie “The Birch” which again I believe could have been inspired by the ancient Germanic legend, the wood wives. 

So if avenging wrathful trees are your thing, you know what to look out for.  I got this book from the library but I have bought a copy along with the DVD from Ebay because I just find it absolutely fabulous!  The movie stars Liam Neeson and Sigourney Weaver.

 

 

 

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Constant Pain

My head is swelling up

My ear is getting sore

My head starts to thump

Tinnitus begins to roar

I feel sick and lazy

I feel tired and in pain

This constant pressure in my ear is driving me insane

Every day is different, every day the same

I live in constant variations of suffering and pain

How’s your ailments?  People ask

How’s your breathing I want to say?

But I keep quiet and carry on

Like nothings in my way

One infection, one week

Another in a fortnight

A virus after that’s cleared up

I don’t need some psychic foresight

This is my life

Like it or not

I know you wouldn’t if you were me

Living in a useless way

In pain and suffering

Knock me out I often ask

Throttle me right now

Help me out of this rotten life

Please make a solemn vow

But no one wants to

So I live on

In pain and agony

I am not strong

I have no choice but to suffer this

Each and every day

Be brave others tell me

And I think more about the grave

I have no choice but to be brave I say

I have no choice at all

You think staying at home all day in pain is lovely, like a ball?

Oh if it were only so, but it’s not

I live in pain, my ear is hot

Burning inside, burning out

Making me dizzy, draining from my snout

I can’t have fun or laughter

I can’t have a life at all

For living in pain isn’t lovely

Try a day you fool

I would love nothing better than to do the school run and work

I don’t choose this life you scum bag, you idiot and you twerp

I know I’m angry that is true

But try living in my shoes

I try each day to keep myself sane

To keep my temper calm

But it’s hard to stick with politeness, when others show their qualms

She’s here to infect us again they say

But what I have isn’t contagious

I’ve had it all my life almost

Isn’t it outrageous?

I try to live a normal life

But it’s hard to do it each day

I don’t often go out at all

Not even for play

It is a lonely life I have

It is a sad one too

But I don’t want your sympathy

That’s the worst thing you could do

I just want the pain to stop

And my nose stop running too

I want to live a normal life

And get to know a person or two

I want to do the school run

Get a part time job at Scope

I want to do so many things

I sit and wonder and hope

That someday my life will change

I will find a good doctor

A consultant who knows what is wrong

Someone to cure me of all my ills

Somebody who really feels

For their patients and kind too

Someone who knows what to do

So I can breathe normally

So I can hear just fine

So I don’t live my life in pain anymore

And live the life that’s mine

I want to be free to live my life

Be happy without sickness and pain

I want to recover right now

Because it’s driving me insane

I sit and wish it won’t be long

Before I get to heal

Because if it goes on for much more longer

I, myself shall kill

 

 

 

 

 

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morning pages and progress

I have been feeling a little better about writing since I have been writing more often my morning pages on a website known as 750words.com

I had written 24 days in a row before becoming seriously ill with such a bad ear infection that I needed to go to A+E and was sent directly to the ENT department in Coventry and was given ear wicks; I was told that I came very close to being admitted in hospital and having to have antibiotics intravenously, the infection came on very quickly, I’ve never known an infection to react to my body so fast and it even went into my jaw and prevented me from eating solids for days.

Anyway, after 10 days of antibiotics I got back into my morning pages again, this time I have been doing them 7 days, I am confident that the inner writer/artist has reawaken, the desire to be creative has come back.  This is amazing because for the last three years I had thought I would never write much again, I lost interest in it, I didn’t enjoy it anymore, but now I look forward to waking up just so I can write.

Today I have written over 600 words without doing my morning pages to awaken me into the mood to write, which for me is a huge progress.

I have decided to take note of my previous post here and to do at least one post each day, even if it has nothing to do with a poem or story, just a little update about my life.  Because it is my duty to feed my fans the stuff they love.

I have chosen to start as from tomorrow, posting about my thoughts on various mythological creatures.  There will be at least one post per day henceforth, however, there may be more than one post per day, depends on what happens, but ultimately there will be at least one a day.

Thank you for staying loyal to my blog. 

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750words.com & updates

750words.com is a highly recommended website for anyone who wants to get into the habit of writing and who might have or might not have read the book “The Artist Way” by Julia Cameron.
I found this site through twitter yesterday and so far I’ve written two entries. Needless to say I hope that I will write more regularly with the sites help, but we all know what a huge procrastinator I’ve become. I am not even reading as much lately, why? Illness makes me want to do mind-numbing things to help me cope with pain, I play very boring, and tedious games to keep me occupied and this has took up a lot of my time for creative pursuits. On the up however, I have discovered that my illnesses can be linked to childhood medical neglect by my mother, because she had a stand up argument with my ENT surgeon when I was 5yrs old about me not having my adenoids removed when I was having my tonsils out; her motive for that? Nobody knows, but I had a CT scan last month and got the results Friday evening and that claims I have unusually large adenoids, so I will be having surgery before Easter to deal with it. The doctors reckon that I won’t be ill as often as I have been all my life once the adenoids are gone; in fact it is the adenoids that have caused the damage to my ears by causing blockages. It is also a factor in my breathing troubles for the last 3yrs.
If this does seem to be the BIG thing that’s made my immune system very weak for the last 28yrs then I am very excited to go through surgery, because that means I can finally have a normal life.
I’ve been living with ear-ache, rhinitis, severe migraines and sinus headaches for so long; I have literally forgotten what health and no-pain feels like. I have been suicidal for the last two years in particular because the condition had got so much worse for me and I was literally thinking about an easy way out of all the pain I go through.
I am ecstatic that I can be there for my son’s future and that we can have a normal family life soon, without mummy being bed and housebound because she’s always ill.
So 750words.com go there, write 750 words a day, see what words you overuse and enjoy yourself. Hopefully I will have more regular postings, but until the operation who knows when that next post will be?
The games occupying me lately have been…
Ovipets.com (not entirely brain-numbing or boring, but certainly time consuming and social)
Pirates; tides of fortune – was fun, but makes everyone’s computers lag and is a money pit, meaning that when you spend your money on the game, you lose half the things you buy when you are raided or go on special brethren missions. I lasted this game for 10 days, but I am not going to bother to play anymore because that is time consuming, slow and personally far too expensive!
DeviantArt.com – OK not a game, but time consuming anyway because I browse the pictures and imagine scenes there, which I should really turn into stories!
Pinterest – similar to DeviantArt for me
And various Gothic, horror and fantasy groups on facebook!
Not to mention “The Rugby World Cup”.

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Carnival of Lost Souls

This is NOT my personal work http://www.amazon.co.uk/Carnival-Lost-Souls-Nox-Arcana/dp/B000FOT9EE/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1436560945&sr=8-4&keywords=Nox+Arcana

A lot of my work comes about because of the thoughts that come to my mind when I listen to certain music; my inspiration changes with each kind of music I listen to, this is why I love instrumental music, particularly that from Nox Arcana.
I have all of their albums, they are essential for me to work effectively. Never before has a band affected me in such a way as Nox Arcana. Their music is exactly the kind of atmosphere I need to set my brain into for my work in fantasy and horror writing and art.

I might very well review each album or song separately someday, but the most listened to album for me is this one – Carnival of Lost Souls.

The amount of fantasy horror I’ve thought of. I have even thought about a comic series because of this music, this along with (sorry, something not Nox Arcana related) = The Honky Tonk Merry-go-round by Patsy Cline. Oh the things I have dreamt, thank you Nox Arcana, very much for this one. Johnny Depp is going to love you all the more if he ever reads my stuff and found out his new nightmares were inspired by you. *insert evil laugh here*.

Since I lost Cubase many moons ago, my computer isn’t hooked up with music composing software anymore (and I can’t read or write music, but I can play by ear and compose – with the software). My music was similar to Nox Arcana, that’s why I love it so much. I think the band must be within my soul group or something? Anyway, once I figured out how to configure my old Microsoft XP files onto my new computer (perhaps in Neverwhere) I will load up my old music and share it. Otherwise, if I really am in Neverwhere with that then my old music has been lost in the ethers of time forever. *Insert forlorn pierrot here*.

My creativity really is controlled by the type of music that’s around me at the time. In the times of no music, I tend to write flatly and that’s only suitable when I am writing non-fiction or essays.

Now being deaf, I rely heavily on vibrations, lip-reading and my two hearing aids and I am not looking forward to the day that my consultant said is in the near future, that I will lose my hearing altogether. Unfortunately at the time this was said to me, the consultant in question told me that there is nothing they can do to repair my hearing if the worst case scenario crops up, thankfully I know someone in the ENT department abroad who says that’s utter tosh. So fingers crossed that I will never lose my hearing completely.

I don’t know what I would do without my Nox Arcana!

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I’m back

I am back after a long illness, still not fully recovered but missed updating this blog a lot.

I had a sinus infection in December which affected the chest too and by late April I got pneumonia because of the prolonged infection; thankfully pneumonia is no longer an issue, though I still have those infections even now and I have been told on Wednesday that there could be further health complications with my ears.

The sinus has caused pressure in my left ear which has affected my hearing due to making the ear drum deformed (hopefully temporarily); this is scary stuff as I am already completely deaf in my right ear and have been since 1997, so this is worrying news indeed.

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Crystallaphones and plans

My plans for after Christmas are to find distance or online courses to learn how to read music and actually start becoming proficient in a musical instrument that’s not piano/keyboard based; this is because my interest in song writing and composing is becoming almost unbearable to ignore, particularly as I don’t have anyone in my life who’ll cause me stress anymore (other than a 3yr old son, but he’s sweet and easily worked around). 

I have found a new instrument that takes my interest and I hope I am lucky enough to do a part exchange with my electric guitar to get one, but I’ve heard to find one even in a music shop is rare, the instrument is… a crystallaphone, or as some people will know it as a glass xylophone; however it’s very likely that I’ll end up with a left handed electric guitar as a replacement (as I didn’t take my disability into consideration – my left hand has short tendons).

I am still heavily interested in watercolor painting and sketching, but I have put that on a back burner since I’ve been ill for the last three weeks, also the house needs organizing as I need to prepare a workspace for the art and the music I would like to take up.  I am slowly introducing myself to small chunks of work a week, roughly two hours a time, three days a week to settle into it because I am regularly ill, hence the unemployment I am in, I can’t hold a job down, not even a voluntary placement these days.  The mind and heart is willing but the body will not comply.

I need to find something that I can do from home but does not require me to use the telephone (not because I am unsocial, but because I have fluctuate hearing and regular ear infections that even an amplified phone is useless with) and despite this being the age of texting, not a lot of professionals or customers like communicating with staff via text only and most forget your hearing problems because when they talk to you face to face and you respond (because you’re an excellent lip reader) they think oh it’s not so bad.

Yes I know it’s strange that a person who has regular hearing problems wants to compose music, but there’s been others out there who have done it proficiently, so why can’t I?  I believe I am right in stating that Beethoven was stone deaf wasn’t he?  And one of the bee gees, he was like me, partially hearing, wasn’t he? And their music is great, isn’t it?

I don’t want to be a singer, I couldn’t take the commitment there because I never know when I am going to be sick and most of my sickness is based around practically all the aspects of the ear nose and throat, which doesn’t help for a singing life.  When I was younger I trained in opera but after the age of 12 I couldn’t sing it regularly enough to be considered talented in it, because I developed regular mastoid infections which needed regular operations etc. and singing became quite painful for me literally.

So with that said, I am trying my best to make myself a creative life and I hope that when things take off I find people who are sympathetic to those who have health problems and will help me work around them in a non-stressful manner.

 

 

 

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An update on my health

Well I am taking steroidal antibiotics for my ear problem for the next week and my ENT appointment has been moved forward to two weeks’ time; I am very worried that it may be another mastoiditis and may need further mastoid surgery, especially as the last one turned out I had less than half a millimeter protecting me in some parts of the skull close to the brain – hope that’s not infected again, but to me it seems likely.  This mastoid and ear problem has been with me since I was about 10yrs old, I’ve had two big operations and four investigative ones over the years on my ears alone, in total my whole life I’ve had about seven operations, one removing tonsils and the other was intensive dental work that could only be done under a general.

What worries me the most is this is affecting my neck and jaw of the same side as well and the other ear is also starting to lose its hearing, I’m already completely deaf in my right ear and they tried to fix my hearing problem with an ossiculoplasty but it failed because two of the small inner ear bones were completely destroyed by the mastoid infection years before.

It’s scary because this can bring on meningitis so I was told, brain damage, Bell’s palsy or even death, I think it is the old problem I used to have as my ear and throat is constantly burning me and my ear is leaking watery smelly liquid again, which hasn’t happened since I was 17.

So that’s an update on my life.

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Surgery is a maybe

It seems as though my mastoid problem in the ear has come back and I may need more surgery on it, with this in mind, my blogs may have to be put on hold for a while, with that said I will try and post what I can when I can.

Thank you

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