I am wandering and lonely in the corridors of my mind
Heart broken into pieces, you drink my tears like wine
I suffer with your lack of patience
I am cursed with your temper too
My heart is bleeding for release
My mind is like a balloon
Will it pop under your incessant pressure?
Will it bang in its cocoon?
Is my destiny to be rescued?
Or is it to become a loon?
I don’t dare to choose my own path
I don’t dare to release myself
But how can I live with such evil?
How can I defend myself?
Only time will hear me
Will it act and save the day?
Will I be rescued swiftly?
Or doomed to fade away?
I am worried for my questions
I am scared of the future too
I don’t know what will happen to me
But I hope it happens soon
I remain in this tight spot
Until fate has turned the key
To lock me into madness
Or to release me till I am free
I don’t dare to judge what will happen
A clue of my future there is none
I just hope it happens swiftly
Release me from my mum
This was written on Good Friday 2017, 4yrs after I broke away from my mother. But, these are the thoughts that used to come to me when I lived with her. I always felt this desperate, especially as nobody ever believed me when I asked them to help me with her. Not many people believe what I say about her, but it is all true, no matter what they say.
I have no reason to lie and what hurts me the most is the fact that my own mother will sit back and tell me that those memories I share with people, good or bad memories, are false, she tried to convince me that I don’t know my own mind.
Such is the manipulation of someone who is abusive; they can manipulate even the minds of those of who believe them to be good people. They can wear any mask for any occasion they want, so if anyone in your life tries to tell you something negative about a person you respect, don’t shun it please, you never know anyone 100%.
Plain and pure
White not black
Light not dark
Life is stark
I cannot wait
For this endless fate
To trip away
Or fade and flay
I cannot keep it this way
I am mortal and I say nay
To pain, to suffering, to hunger and fear
I cannot just tolerate and sit here
I am more than just flesh and blood
For so many years this life I’ve trudged
I cannot wander anymore
I cannot wait to see what’s in store
I need to go
Out of this world
I need release
I need the dream-world
copyright Tina Cousins FantasyFed 2016
The cloud rises, twists and twirls around the forbidden mortal world
Hues of blue and grey and white forbids the passage to their sight
Unseen we are the hidden ones, forbidden to enter, forbidden to come
No one knows we are here, their cries of sadness we often hear
Forbidden to answer their prayers and cries
Forbidden to help them, unless they die
We cannot go to take their pain, we can only watch and hear in vain
We cannot cross through their gate
We can only watch their terrible fate
We are the gods they pray will come
But it’s not our world, it is not our sun
We cannot control what goes on there
Only guide them to the heavenly stair
We are forbidden to touch and be, where the mortals live and breath
We are the watchers of their endless plight
The protectors of eternal light
We are your warriors we are your knights
We tuck you into dreamtime at night
We are not evil, we are not cruel
It is not our place to rule mortals
We aren’t heartless, we aren’t depraved
We are there and ready to save
You are mortals and we are not
We are the ones that you’ve forgot
We are tender and we are true
And we’ll always be there for you
But we cannot enter through the mortal gate
We can only watch your fate
And lend a hand to the path of death
At the time of your last breath
So carefully we will take your hand
And take you to our immortal lands
Where life has set you free to be
Another watcher like me
Inktober Snowman – copyright Tina Cousins 2016
My Inktober snowman. I am lucky to have this posted because my village is doing some maintenance to the internet cable and the internet keeps crashing – so fate has decided to put another spanner in the works for me!
Troll Bridge by Neil Gaiman
Reading about trolls since childhood has always made me a little nervous, because of the childhood nightmares I had about bridges and what lived under them – this story was read with reluctance, but I am proud that I read it because it was a wonderful tale.
I loved the twist of why the troll existed and how it is trapped in its magical world and had literally little choice in devouring lone stray children nearby its lair and how it can be freed if he found someone willing to help him – little would be willing to help him so they usually succumbed to a terrifying fate.
I love worlds like this, where monsters aren’t really as monstrous as they seem, that they too have lived through something terrifying and aren’t what they seem. Though it is easy to sympathise with the troll in this story it is still a terrifying creature nonetheless.
Opportunity knocks on my door
Will I choose to open it, or will I ignore?
Seldom do I answer, the knock, knock, knocking calls
I am too afraid of leaving my four walls
Imprisoned in fear, there is no hope
I cannot be something now
For I did not open the doors to see what fate for me had ploughed
With love comes pain
It will drive you in insane
Take my hand
You will love again
I will rise and fall
It’s my fate, my call
A phoenix life never stalls
You will love again
A ball of crystal sits upon a dais, smoke fills the room
A haggard gypsy woman sits over it prophesying doom
I sit and look concerned, this prophecy has overturned any joy I had within
She clutches my hand, tells me fortune will be lost
She denies my gift of silver and a blessing she embossed upon my very soul
I find the event, very droll
Confounded I leave her tent, with my fate in mind
Telling me of future dooms, surely was unkind?
Though she denied my silver and did a blessing on me
These thoughts shall never leave me, nor allow me to live free
I walk on home, wondering, how long I’ll have that place?
I wonder if a gypsy fortune has been done to displace, my happiness, my heart, my joys
I sometimes wonder if this gypsy loves to toy with people of high class
Knowing my fate of misery is within God’s hourglass
I have respect for gypsies; now don’t get upset for that
I was just taken unawares, by this future fact
I stumble on, in my life, wondering what will go wrong
Hence why I am stumbling for my words, with this little song
But hopefully nothing will happen of that sordid forecast
Maybe by some luck god will smash that sand glass?
However, I wait all tensed, to see if it will come
The story of my ruin, the future that’s so glum
Will it be soon, or quite far?
She never did let on
But anyways, this has given me, a good idea for a song
The citadels of time come and go like the waves of the sea
Ever enfolding, ever releasing, goodness and badness at ease
Locked in a time warp of uncertainty, we control things, not.
Fate encircles and declines whether we like it or not.
Time is of the essence, which one we won’t know
But time is forever lasting, it will never go
Dream of the good things and of the bad
Hope that you’ll get your wish and hope to never be sad
Graceful is its entrance within your waking life, bringing you happiness or strife
Waste not the time you have, keep it for all it’s worth
Moping around in misery will only make things worse.
© Tina Cousins 2013