Tag Archives: health

Constant Pain

My head is swelling up

My ear is getting sore

My head starts to thump

Tinnitus begins to roar

I feel sick and lazy

I feel tired and in pain

This constant pressure in my ear is driving me insane

Every day is different, every day the same

I live in constant variations of suffering and pain

How’s your ailments?  People ask

How’s your breathing I want to say?

But I keep quiet and carry on

Like nothings in my way

One infection, one week

Another in a fortnight

A virus after that’s cleared up

I don’t need some psychic foresight

This is my life

Like it or not

I know you wouldn’t if you were me

Living in a useless way

In pain and suffering

Knock me out I often ask

Throttle me right now

Help me out of this rotten life

Please make a solemn vow

But no one wants to

So I live on

In pain and agony

I am not strong

I have no choice but to suffer this

Each and every day

Be brave others tell me

And I think more about the grave

I have no choice but to be brave I say

I have no choice at all

You think staying at home all day in pain is lovely, like a ball?

Oh if it were only so, but it’s not

I live in pain, my ear is hot

Burning inside, burning out

Making me dizzy, draining from my snout

I can’t have fun or laughter

I can’t have a life at all

For living in pain isn’t lovely

Try a day you fool

I would love nothing better than to do the school run and work

I don’t choose this life you scum bag, you idiot and you twerp

I know I’m angry that is true

But try living in my shoes

I try each day to keep myself sane

To keep my temper calm

But it’s hard to stick with politeness, when others show their qualms

She’s here to infect us again they say

But what I have isn’t contagious

I’ve had it all my life almost

Isn’t it outrageous?

I try to live a normal life

But it’s hard to do it each day

I don’t often go out at all

Not even for play

It is a lonely life I have

It is a sad one too

But I don’t want your sympathy

That’s the worst thing you could do

I just want the pain to stop

And my nose stop running too

I want to live a normal life

And get to know a person or two

I want to do the school run

Get a part time job at Scope

I want to do so many things

I sit and wonder and hope

That someday my life will change

I will find a good doctor

A consultant who knows what is wrong

Someone to cure me of all my ills

Somebody who really feels

For their patients and kind too

Someone who knows what to do

So I can breathe normally

So I can hear just fine

So I don’t live my life in pain anymore

And live the life that’s mine

I want to be free to live my life

Be happy without sickness and pain

I want to recover right now

Because it’s driving me insane

I sit and wish it won’t be long

Before I get to heal

Because if it goes on for much more longer

I, myself shall kill

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under My life, Poems A - C

Ovipets and health update

Today has been very exciting on Ovipets.com because yesterday they bought out a new species, a bear species the ursa!
I have wanted a bear, dinosaur, crocodile and cow species for a long time. I am so glad it’s the bear.
Unlike most times when they’ve bought out new species, I was actually active on ovipets.com and not on vacation mode and not too sick to play and I actually had 800 credits to generate the new pets, finally and I was one of the first to generate the ursa, in the first 20! So I made 16 pairs, not for a project, because I don’t approve of these rule infested projects, but to have a pair of every available colour except for grey.
Because I am ill a lot, on the days where I am not too bad, I love playing ovipets.com and flight rising as well as online scrabble to pass the time away, because I am often too sick to do anything else than sit down, especially with the dizzy spells I get a lot of when infections are starting up again.
It is games that inspire me to write too, some games give me a sense of mixing up animals to create new species for stories that have never been done before – almost chimera like beings. Others have already been done, like the other day I accidentally went into the fish tab to breed my stallion – oops, but actually in Scottish mythology that exists! The Kelpie, that’s like a mermaid for horses!
Playing ovipets.com in particular has also helped me understand art and colour mixing. I am very popular with people who play ovipets, for the bright colours and rare genes. I rarely sell anything for credits because it’s hard to get your money back once you’ve bought credits. So really, Ovipets is just a hobby for me. I am very generous, but in regards to these new species that come out once in a while, I am not that generous. I don’t randomly give up new species to an unpaid just to be nice. I generate lots and lots of the new species to breed, so in a few days’ time I can then give them out to the AC (Adoption Centre) for the unpaid.
Unlike some members of ovipets too, I don’t ditch the so-called mud coloured pets, because to me, I can work with them, did you know that when you choose the right colours to breed with, you can make a brown pets offspring, orange or even pink? Be more adventurous and don’t ditch the muds and find out for yourselves!
Talking of mud, I am a little disconcerted with the egg of the bear in this game – it’s a beehive shape and when you have black and red it looks bad enough, but two various shades of brown to get that stereotypical grizzly look, looks like something you find on the street by a lazy dog walker!
I mass breed on ovipets.com and I can breed over 300 pets on an average day. My main chosen species are, Equus, Lepus, Lotor, and piscium. I no longer breed Cebidae or Cetacean, because I simply don’t like them on this game. There is nothing against monkeys and sea animals in real life however.
Because I breed a lot, Paul helps me feed the pets whilst we talk in the evenings. He can be there for two hours just clicking feed for me, primarily because our internet is slow lately. But, whereas he would like to do this every day to cut down time, he can only do this really every 3 to 4 days.
He encourages me to breed whatever I want and how much I want, because he sees that lately, it’s the only thing that really perks me up, when they hatch and they are beautiful it makes me happy. Something that is rare lately.
I used to be a very positive and happy person, but four years of constant pain gets to you and wears you down. I didn’t realise that I had a cholesteatoma in both ears until our last consultant discussion; I could be heading towards surgery very soon, though how soon I don’t know. I had a mastoidectomy when I was 17, I can’t have it again in the right ear and because it was completely removed, apparently that’s almost an unheard of practise.
If I end up having the same operation on the left side, I will be unable to bend over and properly care for myself for up to two years, I remember from last time. I have no idea how Paul will cope around the house then, because I will be unable to do the smallest of things for the first year in particular.
I know a lot of people say they’ve had this surgery and I’ve exaggerated, but my consultant has told me that my condition for some unknown reason is the worst his seen in his 30yr career. This new consultant is amazed that I’ve had a total mastoid removal and isn’t too happy to allow that to happen again. He wants to give me a bone-anchored hearing aid and sew the ears up to prevent infections, but personally I don’t see how that’s going to help.
He is also confused about why my mum never allowed me to have my adenoids removed when I had my tonsils out aged 5. I am not too thrilled when he told me that he will remove the cholesteatoma and adenoids at the same time if surgery becomes the option. Which he did hint will more than likely be the case, I won’t know until approximately 8 weeks from now.
Anyway, I hope that I won’t have a bad recovery like I did before, whatever happens.
Since I went back to ovipets last month, I’ve neglected my flight rising a bit. I am finding flight rising boring lately.

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Flu frustrations

On Sunday night I became very ill again, I went down with something flu like this time and I had a temperature with shivers so bad it felt like my whole body was going into a seizure and cramp all at once.
I think it’s typical because this thing always happens within a week of a new fitness and diet regime; I am beginning to wonder if I am allergic to healthy living!
This has pissed me off, as I was expecting from Monday to go to the ENT clinic (which couldn’t happen as I couldn’t get out of bed because of the shivery shakes and temperature) and I had hoped that by 5pm I would have been home and eating dinner and then starting my new horror novel that’s finally written down in excellent bullet points, that I am excited about.
I really am excited about that novel idea. I wish I could share it with you all, but unfortunately I won’t until it’s absolutely finished and then I will approach an agent or a publisher with it.
This story has been haunting me for weeks, literally, so much so in fact that I think I have often heard it threatening to send me insane if I don’t start writing it soon!

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750words.com & updates

750words.com is a highly recommended website for anyone who wants to get into the habit of writing and who might have or might not have read the book “The Artist Way” by Julia Cameron.
I found this site through twitter yesterday and so far I’ve written two entries. Needless to say I hope that I will write more regularly with the sites help, but we all know what a huge procrastinator I’ve become. I am not even reading as much lately, why? Illness makes me want to do mind-numbing things to help me cope with pain, I play very boring, and tedious games to keep me occupied and this has took up a lot of my time for creative pursuits. On the up however, I have discovered that my illnesses can be linked to childhood medical neglect by my mother, because she had a stand up argument with my ENT surgeon when I was 5yrs old about me not having my adenoids removed when I was having my tonsils out; her motive for that? Nobody knows, but I had a CT scan last month and got the results Friday evening and that claims I have unusually large adenoids, so I will be having surgery before Easter to deal with it. The doctors reckon that I won’t be ill as often as I have been all my life once the adenoids are gone; in fact it is the adenoids that have caused the damage to my ears by causing blockages. It is also a factor in my breathing troubles for the last 3yrs.
If this does seem to be the BIG thing that’s made my immune system very weak for the last 28yrs then I am very excited to go through surgery, because that means I can finally have a normal life.
I’ve been living with ear-ache, rhinitis, severe migraines and sinus headaches for so long; I have literally forgotten what health and no-pain feels like. I have been suicidal for the last two years in particular because the condition had got so much worse for me and I was literally thinking about an easy way out of all the pain I go through.
I am ecstatic that I can be there for my son’s future and that we can have a normal family life soon, without mummy being bed and housebound because she’s always ill.
So 750words.com go there, write 750 words a day, see what words you overuse and enjoy yourself. Hopefully I will have more regular postings, but until the operation who knows when that next post will be?
The games occupying me lately have been…
Ovipets.com (not entirely brain-numbing or boring, but certainly time consuming and social)
Pirates; tides of fortune – was fun, but makes everyone’s computers lag and is a money pit, meaning that when you spend your money on the game, you lose half the things you buy when you are raided or go on special brethren missions. I lasted this game for 10 days, but I am not going to bother to play anymore because that is time consuming, slow and personally far too expensive!
DeviantArt.com – OK not a game, but time consuming anyway because I browse the pictures and imagine scenes there, which I should really turn into stories!
Pinterest – similar to DeviantArt for me
And various Gothic, horror and fantasy groups on facebook!
Not to mention “The Rugby World Cup”.

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Filed under About my work

Daily update 1

It has been pointed out to me today, by my husband that yesterday’s daily pages post had an error – I do not hate my husband, please read it as HAD; I’ll make amendments later.

Today I found out that Henry will be having a school Valentine’s Day disco on Thursday, he’s looking forward to it. Henry is my 4yr old son and he will no doubt be using this as an opportunity to go on a date with his best friend Alice.

Writing daily pages for the public eye is difficult because a lot of what I say has to be censored because it’s private and I don’t want my dirty laundry passed around the internet, I can understand why Julia Cameron says that you should try to keep them private because you never know where your thoughts will lead you and mine are leading me astray.

I may give up daily pages for daily updates instead, because three pages of just whittling on about my life in general to a bunch of strangers is a little too much, don’t you think?

So therefore instead of 3 pages of daily pages I will do approximately 500 words of a daily update per day so you know what’s going on in my life.

I think I am getting over my pharyngitis today, last antibiotic before bed tonight and I can also finally stop my eardrops too.

I have an appointment with an adviser on Wednesday about work, I wonder if there is anything she can do to help me get funds to start working properly from home, as I am short on a few necessities; I don’t really know what she can do for me, so she might not be able to help.

I also have three GP appointments coming up in the next 2 weeks as well. For different things, doctors don’t like being given too much all at once, so I drip feed them, no pun intended.

Whilst I am jabbering on about my life, I would like some comments on this event of the day…

I know my mum well enough that she would attack me on my views of what just happened with my son Henry.

My son Henry asked for a share of a huge share bag of crisps and he said “Give me lots please”, I said erm no, and I gave him less than I would normally have given him so he could appreciate he got any at all; then he looked at me crestfallen and asked “is that it”? I found that rude and obnoxious and my reply was, “do you want less”? To which he replied “yes”, so I took half of what he was given away from him and put them back into the bag. I told him he should say what he means.

Cruel lesson I know, my mum would have swung at me for it, despite all her bad points, but I am teaching my boy three valuable lessons in life.

A. Say what you mean

B. Appreciate you got anything at all as there are other people in the world who don’t get luxuries like this

C. Manners

Say what you will in comments, I am interested to hear your concepts on this event.

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Filed under My inspirations, My life

daily pages 2 2015

I am not going to fall at the first hurdle of writing my daily pages, though currently it is hard to do when I have a constantly screaming 4yr old boy in the room with me and I have a mild headache with a double ear infection. Trying to think positively and trying to imagine I am well, I am healthy and I am not irritated by senseless and mindless toddler noises… trying, but not successfully.
My husband wants to take the family for a walk around the estate and village, but I am also interested in not only writing these daily pages right now which could take me about 90 minutes if I can’t think of anything to say, but I also want to watch whilst typing this a documentary about Neanderthals, of which I am convinced my son is one.
Also my brain is occupied with the music theme tune of a children’s program called gigglebiz, a program I hate, but the tune is annoyingly catchy on a religious level; that’s how I believe religion became so successful, good music, great lyrics, catchy and annoying tunes that you keep hearing yourself singing or whistling and before you know it, you think you’re religious because you like the music… scary stuff.
Want to control the world? Be a great musician that can create catchy to borderline annoying tunes that people will love to hate, and your work will never be forgotten and before long people will be living what you’ve written… think hippy! Think happy clappy!
People hate happy clappy because it gets into you so much if you allow yourself to listen to it.
Positive energy is just as catching as negative energy, though some positive energy can be difficult to get rubbed with, because there is always some kind of recoil from others… they’re so used to feeling negative and seeing things in a bleak way, that the light scares them… think about being in a cinema during the day then leaving the cinema at high noon with clear blue skies… painful huh? Energy works pretty much the same way.
Anyway on another note I have been playing word tornado on facebook a lot this afternoon and losing dramatically, seems like the whole world gets over 700 points and I only get an average of 580 – you know I doubt the authenticity of their so called talent because I play scrabble a lot offline with people and I am always the winner. I have a very broad vocabulary and a very cunning way in using the board and I hang around with people with very high IQs, so I guess there’s a lot of internet game cheating going on there.
What is the point? It’s a game, you don’t feel the same way when you cheat and win in a game than when you play honestly and win, so why?
I cannot believe that everyone I play against is a genius.
In fact I absolutely refused to believe it.
Anyway, rant about game cheating aside, for the last 3 months I have repeatedly borrowed one book from my local library called “The art of Gothic music and fashion” by Natasha Scharf. It’s quite a read and quite inspiring.
It’s one of those books that have double pages on each page, I am unsure what it is called, but you can sometimes find old Sherlock Holmes books that are like that, like newspapers.
In the books there is a lot about all types of gothic people, from Lolita goths to steampunks, unfortunately there is nothing in there about some people I know in the BDSM scene who are what is known as “Cyberdogs” gothic, black leather wearing dog roleplayers that where fetish dog masks, something that I have seen once or twice during my travels to Camden Town.
However, talking of cyberdogs the fashion company was mentioned there.
Woof, I think I would have liked to of come under that category if I was still available in the BDSM scene, though with my weight I’d probably look like some overweight bulldog… which no offense to bulldog enthusiasts or bulldogs in general, to me that’s not a good look.
I am listening to beautiful Greek music whilst typing this, yes the Neanderthal program was turned off about 90 minutes ago and I had a long game of online word tornado.
My toddler is sitting on the sofa bleary eyed with tonsillitis and all I can do is recoil as I am only just getting over severe pharyngitis where my GP felt I was nearly hospitalised earlier on this week.
I mentioned the Greek music because I remember a time I heard this exact song played at my mum’s friend’s house Niki and my mum mistook it for Asian music and told her, in an offensive tone to turn off the said music in the most derogatory term of phrase she could come out with – my mum’s friend Niki replied with zeal and shock and horror, that it’s not that type of music at all it’s Greek! To which mum seemed very embarrassed.
I love all cultures, I love their music, their food, their ways, I love learning about people from all walks of life, my only prejudice is religion of any mainstream kind, especially if people kill for the sake of their religion, or if their religion has a history of killing people when conversion was impossible.
Now my randomiser has turned on some medieval music, I am very eclectic (nearly wrote epileptic), my brother is an epileptic and I was told I have a minor form of it by a Rugby GP because I said I get some sensations on my head like people are stroking my hair from time to time which seems to be getting more intense lately, I don’t believe him personally.
I started these daily pages about 4 hours ago, still not finished. I am not in a creative mood today, today is a day off after all, it’s Sunday.
It’s not that I am not dedicated to my work, but today I woke up late and I felt in a reading or scrabble like game mood, particularly as my back is still getting over the fast bumpy bus ride I had into Coventry yesterday, I think they’ve sprained my back!
I am by far a hypochondriac by the way! Seriously not one, just bloody unlucky!
I also have a craving to watch the first episode of Game of Thrones on DVD rental by lovefilm, but when my 4yr old son is awake I won’t, he will not be allowed to watch such violence, I demand that! Also, if I couldn’t watch that then I would like to watch Van Helsing because in my opinion that’s very mild for a child to watch in comparison to other vampire movies, but when a female vampire threw the cow at a building Henry freaked out and got very upset over the mistreatment of the cow last year that he categorically hates vampires – bursts into tears, how can anyone hate them? They’re my kindred spirits!
My son hates me since; especially when I told him I love vampires and that I am one in my books.
All jokes aside our relationship did change after that movie.
I have at least another 600 words to write before the 3 pages are done for the day.
I still find it annoying that some relatives watch this blog, just so they can stop me talking about things that are TRUE AND REAL but they’d rather hide it under the carpet like some dirty secret. They keep brain washing me about skeletons in the closet and my brother isn’t the only relative either, some other relatives are encouraging me to speak the truth, some of them will shock my immediate family because it’s not who they think they are, it’s the most unlikeliest.
Because I was raised in a very unhappy environment, but no one is allowed to know that as I will be sued for defamation apparently.
So yes, like always, I am living under the shadows of blackmail by my bullying family.
It’s infuriating because originally this blog was set up as a form of therapy to overcome my problems, by the advice of my psychologist.
If I ever became famous, I would want people to know the whole me, no holds barred – not because I am an attention seeker, but because I don’t like skeletons in the closet. I would rather be honest and forthright to people, instead of sitting back meekly being a mystery – because let’s face it, before I moved in with my husband I hate no life before the age of 26yrs old… so that’s going to raise a lot of uncomfortable questions in itself, because my life, my experiences up until that point were very, very minimal and people will think that there were bad things about me directly, when in fact it wasn’t – it was things happening to me by bad people.
I also want to raise awareness of certain things once I am famous or even before I am famous, because there are a lot more ways to abuse a child or a relative that people originally think.
Isolating them, home-educating them to isolate them further, when they become adults, making major life decisions for them because if they refuse they will have bad things happen to them and they live constantly in blackmail. I put my foot down against my mother in 2013 because she tried to force me to commit fraud, that’s the truth behind why I don’t like contact with her now. Because she tried her best to make me commit a crime which is not within my nature, Paul was abhorred and it was him, along with a family support worker and my psychologist that felt that the break had to be made as I cannot raise a child around a grandmother who thinks that fraud is OK on certain conditions and that you’re a bad person if you don’t do it for your mother/grandmother.
Awareness of different kinds of abuse needs to be raised.

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Filed under My inspirations, My life

Daily Pages 1 2015

Daily pages are just that, to be written daily.
If I for whatever reason have forgotten to do so, some day, please email me at misstcousins@hotmail.com and tell me to pull my finger out and write them, if you are a fellow author or artist, because I need some motivation and support in my creativity at times; being lonely and without creative friends makes me lethargic and lazy.
Usually it is required to write three pages per day in your daily pages alone until you have built a habit of writing again; I start these and do it well for about seven weeks but then I lose interest and then I do not write for three or four months at a time; this is not because I have no interest in writing or because I am forcing myself to write because I am interested in the money prospect once published – but because I get lazy, I get ill, I get side-tracked by new games online or 1000 piece puzzles and painting.
I am 32yrs old, I have only one friend offline and I see her less than once a month because I live an isolated life, because of my sickness. I am trying to see her more often, especially as she is only four doors away from my house and her name is Alona, she is Latvian and we became friends because my son and her daughter goes to school together and are in the same class and are best friends.
Alona seems to me to be the perfect friend, one that is there for you during your ups and downs and though I personally don’t see her often, she helps a lot. My husband and my son see her daily and occasionally she looks after Henry for me if I have appointments that are at the times where we should pick him up from school – he enjoys going there and playing with his best friend Alice.
I just wish I could do more for Alona, as I am sorry to say it all seems too one-sided this friendship and I feel like I am taking advantage of her good nature.
Alona’s husband is a builder and has often offered to do our house up for us for free, I couldn’t possibly allow it, he works too much as it is.
I am reading a lot more lately too, I am getting through two to three books a week now, particularly books based on art and how to paint and cosmic ordering.
I must say however, that the more I read, the less I want to write fiction because I feel that I am stealing from someone all the time or many people, I don’t think there are original ideas anymore and I don’t want to come across as a cheating fraud; I have been on numerous writers groups online and they’ve all said that I shouldn’t worry about it and just simply write and get things published as a lot of people have confidence in me that I have natural talent not only in writing but also art. I still feel fraudulent though.
Today is a Saturday when I am writing these daily pages and they won’t be published until tomorrow, daily pages will be published on my blog the day after I have written them because I am trying to get ahead in my writing of this blog.
I am a little confused by myself, I created this blog to be based mostly around fantasy short stories and it has become a personal life and poetry blog instead, fully unintentionally, I am actually disappointed in myself for allowing it to be side-tracked, but it will be side-tracked a lot from now onwards because I do plan to talk about a great number of things, from food, to culture, as well as fiction and poetry.
Horror will be present on this blog too, so if you’re going to be too squeamish it might not be for you.
I am also very spiritual and will talk about various things in regards to spirituality and the occult.
Something random, today I went the hospital for an appointment with my consultant, yes a Saturday morning, no lie ins today; and on the bus I saw a lovely site, sitting on the fence in the beautiful English countryside just outside the East side of Coventry city, between Pailton and there, was a buzzard watching some sheep and it turned its head and looked directly at me, it was amazing.
I was also confused by some hedgehogs which seemed to be up and about at midday, two in fact, in half a mile distance to one and other, I thought they were strictly nocturnal.
I am unhappy with the fur I found outside my house today too, lots of it, looks like some animal had had it ripped right out of them in the night, I was a little unsettled, because I got myself involved a few years ago online with some witch friends and I got myself an American boyfriend who turned nasty and jealous with my offline friendships in the UK and he turned my friends against me and when they hate someone they do curse them and stalk them and tend not to forget them. It makes me wonder, you know?
Though Paul my husband reckons he heard a very aggressive cat fight last night around 3am, I take his word for it because I am nearly totally deaf these days without both my hearing aids in and when I am asleep the only way I can wake up from day to day is to be patted on the rump, I can’t even hear an alarm clock!
It is weird you know to think that it is cheaper to travel 120 miles away to visit a friend to a free entry fete in Sheffield than it is to go to a local adventure playground park, I bought this up because soon it is half-term and I am thinking about doing something with my son Henry; I was hoping to take him to The Conkers Discovery Center near Ashby-De-La-Zouch and it would cost us for the whole day around £90 – 110, whereas a trip to Sheffield to visit my friend at a free classic car show will be £18 return ticket via coach, it’s a mad world.
I then looked into taking him to the nearest zoo, all costs included; train fayre, food, tickets etc. will set us back £250.
We have a leaking roof which will cost us £3000 to replace as we’ve bought this house outright now, we have a new boiler system being put in next week and we are in dire need for a skip that will cost £150 for what we need.
My health is getting really crap now, excuse my French and so, I thought enough is enough and it’s time for a change – so I decided to re-enter my interest in cosmic ordering and ho’oponoopono to get my life back to where I want it to go and not where other people are forcing it to go.
I was told for cosmic ordering to be truly beneficial to you and your life, you must not set yourself limits or be humble in what you want, you’ve got to be completely honest with yourself about what you want from life or else it will feel you are trying to cheat the system and you won’t get exactly what you want – or if you do, there will be things you will still be unhappy about – so I have made a list of the things I really truly want, to the maximum and greediest of my dreams for a perfect life.
My wants and needs are thus;
I want a garden bigger than 1.5 acres not sure how big I am willing to go, but the garden must be able to contain a large area for guinea pigs and guinea breeding and rearing (breeding to keep and show, not sell or give away). The area should contain several pens to separate males and females for selective breeding and each pen should contain 20 individuals with lots of space for toys, and a little tunnel that leads outside in the garden for fresh air. My husband Paul used to breed guinea pigs in the past, so he has the necessary experience to do this.
The garden must also be big enough for me to have an agility training area for my dogs, Paul and I have agreed we must have at least 4; one pair will breed a litter where we will keep at least 1 pup and keep that line in our family for generations if possible. Again I will show my breeding pair of dogs, the other two dogs I won’t because we plan on having a giant breed and a lapdog, the breeding pair will be some kind of spaniel or collie. I have the necessary experience to train dogs, in fact I very nearly got a job as a police dog trainer, but because the job involved me bringing home two pups to live with me during their training my mum wouldn’t let me take the job (I lived with her at the time).
The garden must also be big enough for 50 fruit trees, particularly apples and hazelnuts, as we want to hire dormice to help them breed and work with the national wildlife trust.
We also want a vegetable and fruit patch at least 50ft square.
We want a large patio area with potted herbs that’s approximately 30 by 30ft and a large BBQ area; this patio area might be extended to an outdoor swimming pool that will have a pull enclosure that’s attached to the house so we aren’t limited to using it only in the summer.
We also want a little meadow flower patch to attract bees, we want to hire a beehive, and we also want a pond big enough to take 6 Aylesbury ducks.
We also need an area to put chickens, up to 30 of them.
And a little flower garden, a football field for the kids, another field with several adventure playground apparatus for the kids and finally a little moss garden retreat for me.
Ideally this house will contain a brook or a stream flowing through the garden somewhere.
As for the house we need a lounge for visitors, a family lounge, and a large shared office for me and Paul, a huge kitchen with a dining area and room for a sofa and an island and a walk in larder, as I am Ina Garten in this family.
We also want a separate formal dining room as we will host dinners.
We also need a large art and music studio as I do compose music as well as paint and write.
A play room for the kids downstairs would be an added bonus, a downstairs toilet, an outside toilet, a three car garage, an annexe for a housekeeper, and a minimum of 5 bedrooms because I want more kids and I have relatives that travel down from Manchester a lot who needs a place to stay at Christmas time.
My life will involve painting, writing, composing, and voluntary work, prop making for theatres and going to auction houses.
Ideally I would want for nothing, never to be in the situation again of deciding between going to the hospital via bus or having £8 less in the food budget that week, which is a lot, considering the current food budget, is £50 a week.
I do not want to drive, but Paul wants a large garage for two cars, one that’s large for day trips with the kids and friends, and another little run around for us to do shopping in when the kids are at school, he also wants a RV as we’ll take regular trips to Great Yarmouth and Dorset and the peak district for photography and rock pool reasons.
We’d also like to drive across Europe from time to time.
I would love to go to the fantasycon every year; I would love to go shopping in New York at Christmas time. I would love my health to get better so I can start living now I am away from forced isolation.
I want to be able to be a Goth again (though not a strict one as I get rainbow moments, hippy moments, sexy jazzy moments, steampunk moments and middle eastern harem belly dancer moments) and to afford their plus sizes as I am not a lightweight, I can barely afford normal types of clothes, let alone alternative fashions.
I want to say to my son, yes I can buy you those Disney Cars pyjamas that are £25, there you go – I want to be able to buy things off the rack in shops and not have a buy now and pay later account in some catalogue.
I want to surrender to my urges that one day I wake up and I say to myself, I want to go by bus to town, just to go to the library and sit about for a couple of hours and then come back home without second thoughts that this will cost me £7 out of our weekly food budget.
I don’t want to sit around for 3 months waiting for me to save enough to get more brushes or paints to finish a painting I’ve started, which is a regular occurrence.
I want to make friends that are so at home with me they think they’re family – I don’t want friends that are there just for fun or just to rant about life, I want positive, creative, spiritual and family oriented people who want friends because they want emotional support, they love people, they crave being with others and sharing food and homes with them.
That’s the dream life for me.
This is what I am working towards with my cosmic ordering ideas.
Wish me luck xx

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More subjects in the blog

Time to expand this blog a bit; there will be new categories and tabs for you to choose from within the next few days, they will include;

 
A page about my experiences with Cosmic Ordering

 
Game reviews

 
A rant page for me to let off steam and see if my fellow readers also suffer the fools I do

 
Art, my own, my friends, and those that inspire me

 
Alternative lifestyles, a page about witches, vampires, Goths and the BDSM community and much more

 
My pet’s page, where I will update about the lives of my many pets as sometimes they inspire me

 
Contests I’ve entered

 
Health update as I am often sick

 
Daily Pages dedicated to the work of Julia Cameron, the author of the artist way

 
Food and places to eat reviews

 
And last but not least, recipes

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time to start living

It is not unknown that I have a lot of health problems, in fact more often than not my ailments these days make me bed-bound with bacterial and viral infections and my left eardrum is collapsing, which could leave me totally deaf if it weren’t for the technology of hearing aids.
However, I had decided last week to restart doing my blog regularly and concentrating hard on writing, art and photography in general because I am tired of being dependent upon an insecure government; I am also bored of not being able to work away from home or volunteer anymore, but I can’t help that as I have auto-immune-inner-ear-disease aka AIIED, which means I get about a 2 to 5 days of normal health a month, not conducive to the workplace.
I will have several new sections coming up soon on this blog about Cosmic Ordering, because I am using this to turn my life around; I’ve always been a bit of a Pollyanna which is one of the main reasons I had a lot of problems as a child, so I just need to refocus a bit. I am especially interested in Cosmic Ordering and the methods behind Ho’Oponoopono because I have been told that it is likely I will need more surgery on my ear in the future, my roof is leaking, my health is getting ridiculously bad lately, I’m poor as a church mouse and… well, basically enough is enough and it’s time for a change.
I had another small pause to my blog from my previous post because I went down with a big bang with what my GP described as severe pharyngitis (diagnosed on the 3rd February) and was told that if this didn’t show signs of getting better in 48 hours I could find myself in hospital receiving treatment intravenously; scary, I am still ill as I am typing this – but not as bad as I was and I am thankful things are getting better.

 

I am trying my best to stick to my plans of the Ho’Oponoopono chant and the Cosmic Ordering guides from the Mohrs and various other people – especially my very good friend Richard Gentle who has written lots of material on the subject of Cosmic Ordering, negative miracles and crystal wand healing; in many respects it was he, who gave me the confidence to start doing this and he did this a few years ago, unfortunately my life back then was full of negative people who always undid whatever I tried to do to improve myself, that is no longer the case, in fact, quite the opposite.
One of the biggest steps to changing your life to a more positive stance and being your true self, is to leave the people who do not accept you, whether they are family or not.
So I will finish now with this post, to let you know I intend to get busy and post more often.
Thank you for reading
xxx

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I’m back

I am back after a long illness, still not fully recovered but missed updating this blog a lot.

I had a sinus infection in December which affected the chest too and by late April I got pneumonia because of the prolonged infection; thankfully pneumonia is no longer an issue, though I still have those infections even now and I have been told on Wednesday that there could be further health complications with my ears.

The sinus has caused pressure in my left ear which has affected my hearing due to making the ear drum deformed (hopefully temporarily); this is scary stuff as I am already completely deaf in my right ear and have been since 1997, so this is worrying news indeed.

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Filed under My life