Tag Archives: lust

Loyalty, Vampires and Passion

I adore vampires, I am not sure if I’ve ever made that clear on here before (grins knowingly) and I’ve been thinking about them a lot today. I’ve been thinking about my favourite vampires, Judas Iscariot from Dracula 2000, John Carpenters VAMPIRES, Interview with the vampire and Daughter of Darkness to name but a few.
I love the culture surrounding vampires and everything Gothic, from the strange music options, to the fashion, the architecture and the darkness of it all, to the sheer sinfulness of loving it.
I love the strangest things and the strangest things inspire me to write and paint.
The strange haunting sounds of the music from Nox Arcana in their album Transylvania = visitors in the night, to their album shadow of the raven = the black cat wails and cries of a demon cat and the semi-Gregorian chants throughout all their albums.
I love the tribal belly dance scene, the gothic belly dancers from tribal fusion, I collect the DVDs regularly, I am a particular fan of Rachel Brice – to me, all of this just oozes vampire.
As a former belly dancer myself (not professionally) I am saddened that I didn’t learn about the tribal fusion style dancers until 2yrs after I gave up the dances, if I had known beforehand I think I would have sought them out and have become professional. I adore the dances and I would love someday to have a daughter who has the same interests in it as I do.
Unlike a lot of traditionalists, I don’t see belly dance as a thing solely for women, there is a form of belly dance for men! In fact it was traditional for both sexes to belly dance right up until the Persian Empire was created, then it was almost eradicated entirely for a practise for men and became a very sexualised dance solely for women by the Persian conquerors. The dance is debated to have originally come from the eastern side of Greece, near Salonica.
There is a dancer known as Prince Andrew which practises the masculine form, by belly dancing with a sword balanced on his naked waist and hips and balanced on his head. I find it very sexy, a very sensual dance. He looks almost like a character from Sinbad and the eye of the tiger; though his style is considered to be indo belly dance, a kind of traditional Indian style.
Here are a couple of videos with Prince Andrew dancing.
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?

q=male+belly+dancer+prince&&view=detail&mid=3920BBFA2116361685563920BBFA211636168556&rvsmid=D607C79DEB3A3D2D04ACD607C79DEB3A3D2D04AC&fsscr=0&FORM=VDFSRV
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?

q=male+belly+dancer+prince&&view=detail&mid=D607C79DEB3A3D2D04ACD607C79DEB3A3D2D04AC&rvsmid=D607C79DEB3A3D2D04ACD607C79DEB3A3D2D04AC&fsscr=0&FORM=VDFSRV

Masculine belly dance is starting to become popularised once again, there are more and more male dancers taking to the scene which I find rather exciting.
Another form of dance I like and think is very Gothic, is fire dancing.
I think vampires are very passionate beings, they put their heart and their soul into everything they do, they surround themselves with beautiful things, things they love, because eternity is a long time if you are around things you dislike or things that do not give you pleasure.
I think because they have eternity on their hands, they go out of their way to surround themselves with things that make them happy, collections from the past and even collecting newly sired people to be around them, of the nature that they like and connect with or that feel familiar to them. This is what I think happened to Lestat in Anne Rice’s vampire chronicles. I think Lestat was very nostalgic and may have seen something in Louis that attracted him to sire him, because he reminded him of someone he knew in his mortal life. Whether or not the relationship was compatible it didn’t matter to Lestat, he wanted familiarity and companionship and for a while he got it from Louis.
I feel very sad for Lestat, he seemed very alone. I think he and I would have got along very well together if he were real. I certainly would never leave his side; I am loyal to a fault with anyone I think is akin to me – not so loyal to those who are not akin to me however; being akin means more to me than being simply blood related, it is how our very essences match each other, how we connect, do we click? If not, then the relationship will be very short lived.
I consider myself to be a very passionate person. I am passionate about everything that I do and I seldom do anything that I am not passionate about. If I find it boring, I won’t do it, I will delegate – which is what I do even for my online games. I delegate the boring parts of the game to Paul, feeding my pets for example or setting them up for adoption for me. Some people call it being lazy; I call it, living my life to the fullest, and why not? Mortal lives are short anyway, there is no vampire going to sire me in this world. More is the pity.
That’s why I envelop myself with vampire mythology, vampire movies, haunting music, music boxes, pictures of wolves, bats and gothic castles around the house, thick wine coloured velvet curtains in the living room, old roses in the front garden with lilac and irises. Royal purple walls in the bedroom with a black carpet and red bedding. But not everything about my house is wonderfully gothic; unfortunately, there are a lot of places I need to decorate in order to eradicate the cold ice white walls my mother painted in most of the rooms downstairs. The brown sofa is a far cry from what I think is perfect, but it will do for the time being.
I have owl ornaments everywhere, a box filled with raven feathers, a raven feather silver necklace I wear on very special occasions. I miss the tiger’s eye ring my ex stole from me and the wolf fleece blanket with the midnight blue sky and full moon another ex-took from me. Yes I know, they are just things, but they were mine and I loved them. Especially the ring, that was special – my dad seldom could afford to give me anything with the money my mum would allow him, so anything he gave me was more precious than life’s blood, he gave me that ring, my ex stole it and that hurts.
It wasn’t all that particular ex stole, he stole an heirloom, the ring was an heirloom, he also stole my savings and unbeknownst to my mother at the time I had savings of £12,000 and when he dumped me I had less than £500 left.
It is this ex that made me dominant. After he hurt me and abused me in more ways than one, I became bitter against men in general for about six years, the boyfriends I had before Paul, were all submissive in the BDSM scene. Paul however wasn’t, but he wasn’t prepared to take me as a submissive, he reckoned he saw the true nature of me that was hidden because of abuse. I must admit that I had a lot of my gumption beaten out of me over the years before I met Paul. Since living with Paul the tolerance for other people negative behaviours towards me are at a minimum, boy have I got feisty since meeting Paul and he thinks this is a good thing.
I have a very low tolerance for anyone destroying my peace, destroying what I have accomplished since disowning my mother three years ago, I have a very short fuse for anything that upsets me. Learn what I like, learn my boundaries and we can be very good friends, solid in fact.
I have no qualms telling people that I demand a lot, I demand attention and the best, I demand love, I demand to be considered precious and above all, I demand loyalty not only for me, but my chosen family.
I consider my family as a pack, a clan, a tribe – very similar to how people view vampires, they have their little nest of individuals that stick together, I consider myself and the members of my house to be like this… a solid loyal unit.
I crave a large pack, whether fashioned together with a few like-minded friends or having children and teaching them loyalty and supportiveness of each other.
This is one the most unforgiving things I cannot stand about my mother. The bridges she burned when the family needed her the most, she’s a quitter. I’ve never been a quitter, but thanks to the bridges she burned not a lot of family wants to talk with me anymore, except for my father’s side of the family. They associate me as her little goon, because I was never allowed to leave her side right up until I was 27yrs old, I went everywhere with her, even missing school for home education to be with her, because she demanded it. As far as many relatives and friends were concerned I and my mother seemed close, too close, unnaturally close, so many believed we held the same values. In fact we’re total opposites.
My heart breaks day in and day out because of the family isolation I’ve endured because of her. When granddad was alive, I would be in regular contact of so many relatives, I was socialising at the weekends with the grandchildren of his cousins! Now that’s extensive family for you, what’s more is I was lucky enough as a child to have this happen on both sides of the family. My father’s side of the family are in regular contact with my grandmother’s siblings grandchildren! But again, because my mother isolates herself, she has therefore isolated me and my father from both sides of the family over the years.
I went from having approximately 15 to 20 visitors a week at the house, all different, all relatives, and having up to 18 people visit on Christmas Eve or Christmas Evening, to getting a visitor once a fortnight, the same one or two people and then only 6 for Christmas dinner, then down to just 5 for Christmas dinner and a visit from my brother and his girlfriend once a month.
I have a void that has not been filled since.
This is why I am in the scene, not the Gothic scene, but the BDSM scene. This is why I am so open-minded about open-relationships, I crave a large family and if I can’t make one through having children, then I intend to grow a large network and I think it is very unfair for anyone to try and deny me that.
I love vampires as they are eternally loyal and passionate.

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Filed under My inspirations

Wanton woman’s song

Oh my love
My darling man
Come to me
Come and sit
Beside me my man
And adore me
There’s a moon
The moon is lit
It is full
Fill me
Fill me with your love
Your passion
Adore me
Look the moon
It is across the sky
Hold wanton me
Adore me
I implore thee

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Filed under Poems V - Z

The Wolf’s Rose

The night is chilled and the air is icy

Winter nips at your cheeks and nose

Wandering far into the forest, you are lost my little Rose

Simplicity doesn’t exist where complexity plays

A daring youth like you amaze me in all ways

Hark! Hear the sound of the midnight wolves

Playing a melody to attract lost fools

You follow their tune, blissfully ignorant of the dangers they bestow

And onwards you follow, and onwards you go

Through the nocturnal world you flounder

From tree to tree you flow

Further into the orchestra, into something you don’t know

Into the jaws of hunger

Into the mists of time

Into the raging beasts that are ready to dine

And now you’re here, cold in my arms

A little Rose you’ve been

And I have plucked you from the world and you’ll never again be seen

Not by mortal eyes no how and you’ll stay forever with me

No mortal shall hear your cries when you beg me for release

And now you’ve joined the shadow world

A place that’s made from fear

And you will sup upon mortal babes and breed with me more fear

And nothing shall stop your pain, when you can’t kill anymore

You’ll always give into the hunger and eat their flesh that’s raw

And I’ll be here for you always

My precious little one

To remind you of who it was, that hid you from the sun

Oh my little Rose, look at what you’ve become!

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Horror and mental illness

One or two of my poems have been considered to be short stories in my mind by me, I thought this was enough – however my husband and a friend of mine mentioned to me yesterday that some of my poems are moreish and therefore they feel that I should work on making them into a larger story preferably novel sized piece.

My husband is quite persistent about two of the poems I’ve agreed would make a better larger story, therefore he is straddling me to the grindstone and making me get to work on them because I’ve been procrastinating on my leprechaun comedy for eleven years now and I am losing enthusiasm for it.

I’ve been advised by a friend too, that my fantasy work is good, but my horror is better as I seem to write more freely and graphically, which shows that this is where my genre should be. Funny enough I originally was a horror writer, I only entered the realms of fantasy within the last decade in order to get a wider audience and I was mistaken with the idea that I would be more free to do my own thing – in horror you can do that, in most other genres there does seem to be a general protocol.

I tend to read fantasy and horror but usually horror prevails as a reading choice for me, so therefore I know that I am more experienced with horror; I also have a sadistic, black sense of humour and a lust for shocking people; which I guess makes the genre perfect for me.

I know a lot of people are getting tired of vampires but, they are my favoured creature. However, I do love writing about mental illness (considering I have experience there too) and so writing about the horrors of the mind comes easy for me – particularly if it is regarding cruelty and isolation.

The novel I am attempting to write whilst I put my leprechaun comedy on hold is based around the self-harming and mental illness of a young girl who lives within an asylum and how she got there and why, the book will concentrate on the horrors of the occult, social services, abuse and isolation. There is more to the story, but I am not going to give things away, there would be no fun in that now would there?

So forgive me if the blog is neglected for a while, my husband really wants this story written and I am looking at my previous work with fresher eyes and I am very enthusiastic about this one. Who knows, perhaps it will become finished enough for me to have the confidence to post it up for YouWriteOn.com?

Ciao for now.

 

 

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Filed under About my work

The madness known as blood lust

I cannot satisfy my blood lust anymore

It attacks me each and every day

In each and every way I want more

I cannot refuse it, but it doesn’t quench my thirst

So I carry on, my eternity is turning grey

I wish it would stop, to fate I implore

 

I’ve heard some of us go mad

The vampires of old have said

Drink blood till it’s cold and bad

A blood-lust can get you can get in your head

I can’t control it, it controls me

I can’t run away, from myself I can’t flee

 

I kill tirelessly, drinking, crying, and watching people dying because of me

I’m a vampire; I’ve gone mad I’ve bats in the belfry

I cannot stop the killing, someone please stop me

A vampire kills to survive, not more than three a week

Yet I keep on killing, I hunger for the last heart beat

 

That beautiful sound, that reason gets drowned in

The peace of the death of the victims I hold

The light in their eyes go out, this time is precious like gold

I am in heaven when they’re dead

For just a few moments

How I wish I could join them there forever

For I’m weary of heavens fragments

 

The vampires of old, they worry about me

They know I’ve lost my mind

But for now I cannot flee

Like an alcoholic I drink blood like wine

Drunk on the death of mortals

Endlessly seeking a portal

To end my existence

If you offered a way to end this

I’d take it in an instant

 

 

 

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Filed under Poems M - O

Trust your self

Stepping through the blackness of Hell

I feel a lust inside

Searching for I don’t know what

But it calls to me

I feel entranced by the sounds of chaos

I am tripping on the lust

I can feel something slithering

Touching, caressing my bust

People see us as soulless

People see us as cold

People feel afraid for us

Hoping our paths change as we grow old

I feel sorry for those

Who shut their feelings away…

I feel sorry for those, who lustful pleasures they crave

I feel sorry for they have denied themselves of the lust

Set your selves free from shame, you must, you simply must

Trust

That the only power over you, is what you set your self

You are not some property

That belongs to someone else

You are your own power

You are your own grace

Your future is determined by how you see things and it goes at your own pace

Why deny yourself of pleasure?

Why worry about the void?

You are what you believe in

Trust in yourself

That you will not be destroyed

You are who you are my friend

Believe not in sin

Live the life you want to

And yourself trust in

Now

Go, set yourself free

Take off the bondage that you wear

Go off into the universe, and do as you would care

Do not answer to anyone

You have made yourself

Through everything you’ve experienced you’ve wrote it all, done it all, see the proof on your Akashic book shelf

You are not some property owned; you are your very own creation

How I wish I could help you see this realization

Set yourself free

Dear

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Poems S - U

Just two scars

Sometimes I thought about writing a whole theater production or musical, as I imagine music and lyrics so much, but until I learn how to play music without playing by ear I fear this is a dream doomed to never become reality. 

This song below is something I’ve planned on doing as a musical; it’s about vampires and every paragraph skips back and forth between two characters, a vampire lady and the son of a pastor.

Originally when writing this song I thought it was going to become the love of an angel and a demon, fighting each other but then falling madly and deeply in love with each other, but as all you other writers out there knows; your work dictates to you, you don’t dictate to it, and so as it flowed on it became vampiric, not a struggle between good and evil like first planned.

Hope you enjoy it – remember it’s to be sung, not read as poetry, but I don’t expect you to know the tune it’s supposed to be sang to.  In all honesty, it was supposed to be a poem too, but it never turned out that way, I got something at the back of my head as background music which resembled something Manowar would have.

 

There fire in my soul, there’s a fire in my heart tonight

Tonight, there’s a place where the darkness fights the light

Tonight, tonight, our love is a place that beckons for a fight

With you in my arms, I feel your charms

Happy with me, you’re restless without me

You’re an angel faced fool

I’ve watched how you’ve drooled

As I shimmy around the nightclub

Tooled by my quest to capture you

You’re easy prey

The devil said it and now I say it too

You’re easy prey

A purity installed heart, I’ll tear you apart

Hear what I say

I am bad for you, oh guess what I’m gonna do

I’ll lead you astray

To a place you’ve never dreamed

I will do it this way

Make your heart mine and on a feast of blood I’ll dine

And take your bouquet

And lay it across your coffin

Knowing you’ll be mine forever

Don’t scream

 

I lay in confusion, wondering what happened

I feel very different, where am I?

 

You are with me, my sweet little angel

I have given you a gift

You and I are children of the night, dear

We are vampires, in case it isn’t clear

 Please, have no fear

 

This can’t be true, I refuse to believe it

Let me out of this place, your lies are a disgrace

 

Listen to me, it is the truth

A mirror will prove it

Don’t be so uncouth

 

I don’t believe it

It’s true

I see no reflection

 

It’s true, now that you’ve seen it

You know that forever you’ll have youth

 

These are the trials and tribulations of creating new, excitations

How do you view my revelations?

Do you want this too?

Do you want to be renewed?

Vampires of the night we are

Fashioned by hunger

Our sun is millions of stars

 

Take my hand and become like us

All it takes is two scars

 

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Filed under Songs

your love was just lust

If a broken heart you’ve suffered do not hate your ex

For if you do hate them, your life will be vexed

For you never loved them, see

Because of how you feel now

You should be happy that they know, the boat they want to sail

That is true love, see

They’ve set you free to find someone more worthy of you and you of him

If you hate them, you never loved them

They were just a passing whim

A toy you weren’t ready to displace

This made you feel disgraced

So you think your feelings are just

Yet you were only filled with lust

You never loved them, see

You see it now, don’t you?

That particular love was never meant to be…

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Filed under Poems V - Z