Tag Archives: memory

A plan, lost time and mindless jealousy

Going back to my post about social media from the other day, I have decided today to make a list of people to watch on social media to try and make me more social with the people I love speaking to and getting replies from.  It will help me manage things better, I am a person surrounded by endless lists for things because my illness can make me too preoccupied with trying to manage my symptoms such as coughing mucus several times an hour and that sort of thing, that I can often forget to do important things such as drinking fluids, eating and even socialising.   

Paul has suggested in saving up to get an Alexa for me, so that it can remind me every half an hour to take a sip of my drink because it is becoming a big problem for me and he thought as well that this can remind me to eat and even socialise.  I sometimes go two weeks between reading emails too, because on bad days (and I am getting more and more of them) two weeks can feel like two days to me, there are times where I haven’t spoken to my favourite cousin online for six months, but to me it feels like two weeks, when I look at the last time stamp I apologise profusely for the time span between our last chats and overcompensate by talking for three hours when I do finally get to contact them again.  It is bad to consider that I make more posts for my blog than I do in contacting people I know in reality.

I really do lose such big chunks of time because of my illness, I go into a groundhog day whilst the entire world moves on and have normal different days and they get to partake in the events of the future whilst I am still struggling to breath and thinking its Sunday.  Henry comes into my bedroom to shake me awake as I am too deaf to hear him say good morning until I put my hearing aids in and I ask him;

“Why are you wearing your uniform on Sunday”? 

“It’s Thursday mum” he says.

“Oh that happened quickly”, I say whilst trying not to fall back to sleep.

But a lot of the time I don’t go back to sleep for twenty minutes because my chest needs clearing and I have to go to pee, but it is a struggle to get there whilst choking and I have a bucket midway between the bedroom and the bathroom because I often choke so bad I vomit.

On bad days those coughing fits don’t calm down for nearly two hours before I can rest again.  It is difficult to be like this when my personal doctors surgery is only opened for 8am to 4pm every day and they prefer to use after 12pm as emergencies only – I never really had a planned appointment from the doctors because my personal GP rarely works the emergency shift and if I want to see him I need to wake up around 5am just to clear my chest, get dressed and eat then rest for an hour after eating just to get to see him for 10am, they are aware of this but I am sure they think I exaggerate!

If I get the flu it lasts for 4 to 8 weeks on me because by the 5th day it always turns into bronchitis and by 2 weeks it goes into borderline pneumonia or pleurisy, doctors are worried by this, it is happen too often and I am showing signs of antibiotic resistance too!  

To all those people who work full-time and hate on people like me who rely on benefits to live and often say venomously how they wished they had my life sitting back watching TV all day instead of working – well I beg your pardon, most of the time I am too deaf to watch too much TV because of severe ear infections and I can’t hear music either during my bad days, all I get to do is read or be online and sitting at a desk is tiring, so you want my life huh?  You can have it if I can have yours!  I’d love nothing better than to work if it means I get great health with it and a great social life!

Welcome to my life for the last seven years, pretty isn’t it?  Yes, please do be jealous of this so-called lazy fat bitch, because my life is great isn’t it?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Getting to know me

Creativity & self-esteem

A unicorn skips across the meadow into a world you can only imagine

It bounds to places unknown to man

It does so, because it can

A ghost is just a whisper of a past lived in flesh

Its message is not always clear but it is always received with gooseflesh

A memory is like a ghost, it shimmers in the mind

A glimpse of the past like a silhouette clings to you in a bind

Some are happy, some are sad, some are good and some are bad

Like the creatures in your head, a memory is good when it is fed

So dream your little dreams some more

Wallow in their scenes

Treasure each little pocket

Though it may never been seen

For you live a creative life, though wasteful it does seem

The pictures that are in your mind, helps your self-esteem

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Filed under Poems A - C

it should be simple

Wistful I have been, thinking of my road to home

Will I ever get there? I’ve had far enough to roam

How simple the little quest should be, to get from A to B

But not for someone who’s not from here, not for someone like me

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Filed under Poems G - I

Rainy memories

Darkness is wrapping itself around me today

It is getting stormy

The rain trickles down my window

The air is getting damp

My bones start creaking with the weather

My muscles start to cramp

But I look on, out that window

To see what weather does

I see grass waving at me in the wind

The atmosphere has a buzz

I feel so sleepy watching this

I dream of better days

But whilst I sit here watching it all

The fire is ablaze

I am wrapped up nice and warm

Watching this rainy weather

Then I sigh and think of you

And how we were together

A smile forms upon my face of memories almost forgotten

How soft your skin was in those days, almost like pure cotton

I fall asleep in my chair, with the memories I hold of you

And I dream of times that were from past, before your sudden adieu

You will live on in my heart; there you’ll always have a place

I remember fondly your sweet and smiling face

I will join you shortly dear

My life has been long but good

And together we’ll be in heaven

Just like lovers should

 

 

 

 

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Filed under Poems P - R

story within a poem

Snatched by the nanny, yes I remember that the family servant ran off with me like a rat

I will always remember the last day I was with them and the night I knew so well

The strange visits that used to happen, she thought she had me under a spell

But those memories never ceased but grew, will you stop sending me the darn flu?

I want to know why you did it?  And why you’re intent in breaking my spirit?

Did you know me in another life, is that why you’re held bent in causing me strife?

Just to let you know, I now hold the knife

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Filed under Poems S - U

Legend of the gargoyle

There was once an ancient legend in our land, that deemed that no heart should be broken by man, for if he did a spell be cast, that this wretched human to stone be cast, to exist as a gargoyle upon the walls of Snell, our beloved fortress we love so well.

It is said in the dead of night a fair young maiden received this plight, a young stranger came to our land and made a promise to this maiden’s hand, a ring he bestowed upon her finger but the little louse he did not linger.

But before the gates had time to open the spell was cast and his image broken, with a contorted grin and piercing eyes, claw like nails he’ll be despised.  A memory of a loveless night, revenge is sweet and it served him right.

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Filed under Poems J - L, Short Stories

memory of home

There is a massive incline leading up to the house

An avenue of ash trees divided by a road

It will soon flatten out when we get to the top

Its beauty makes my heart implode

A fountain just afore the porch

Where little children play

I remember it all so clearly

Like it was yesterday…

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Filed under Poems M - O

Ode to domestic violence

Treason, my heart suffered treason

At your hand and your doings

When you hit me my heart broke

And on my tears I did choke a question why?

Why did you leave me this way?

A place where I dread to wake

A memory of violence for violence’s sake

That was your mistake

I need to go now

Away from you

I need to leave you

Your heart isn’t true

For if you loved me

You’d have kept me like a precious statue of glass

Your test you didn’t pass

I am going

At last

For some reason as I wrote this I had a nice, cool, reggae beat at the back of my mind, this had full intentions of being a song but for some reason I heard it in my mind as a reggae style, but I couldn’t improve it, I felt it would have been ruined if I made it any longer.

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Filed under Poems M - O

sailing into the moonbeams

moonbeams 1This is a song I wrote this morning, again I can hear the music and I know how it should be sung, but when reading it on paper it doesn’t seem like it makes much sense, but as a song in my head it’s beautiful and I wish I could write music so I could have done the music to go with it and sing it – it has a very Kate Bush mixed Sarah Brightman sound to the vocals.  I can sing, when my throat isn’t suffering it’s regular viruses, hence why I don’t aspire to be a singer/songwriter, just a songwriter/composer.  Hope you enjoy it?

Look at me

I am sailing into the moonbeams ahead of a dream

I am happy, with silver showers

Guiding me to be free

The night is a friend

I know her well

She is there for me always and is true to me

I trust her

She means the world to me

She helps me set my heart released

From, from the memory of you

I wrap myself up in a milky way – blanket made of silk

I feel the coolness of the air tonight

She has given me the sight – to know

That your weren’t the one for me

So now, I live my life free

Oh woe is not in my heart anymore

I am free now

I can live happily on in my dreams

Ahh, I can see that the night is an angel

She washes me as I sleep

Taking the badness of my day away

In my bed making me sail away

Into the moonshine, into the glaze of the universes wonderful maze

Oh it is true

Look at me

I am sailing into the moonbeams ahead of a dream

I am happy, with silver showers

Guiding me to be free

The night is a friend

I know her well

She is there for me always and is true to me

I trust her

She means the world to me

She helps me set my heart released

From, from the memory of you

 

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Filed under Poems S - U, Songs

mix of originality

I hunger to share with you songs and dreams

Although with some I may make you scream

Such horrors within, such joys too

Sometimes it seems I fool with you

Fantasy and horror, poetry and song

What a mix for you to read all nightlong

A tragedy here, a memory there

Will you take them?

Will you share?

Take your pick

I’ll let you choose

Which one to take and hold within you

My writing is for you to know

Something to embed within your soul

So carry them off and create your worlds

With a mixture of magic you’ve took from my pearls

Nothing is original, just differently said

Do you like the paradise that’s deep within my head?

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Filed under About my work, My art, Poems M - O