You must like pain if you still read my poisoned words
Always aimed at you
Always said in truth
Always breaking you, because you allow it
You allow it, because you sit and read
You sit and allow yourself to grieve
At the words I say to you
You are the fool
I am your cruel mistress
Because you allow it, submissive
You read it and I don’t make you
You’ve allowed me to imprison your mind
And I will always own you
As long as you still sit and read, sit and grieve
Even after I’ve disowned you
You’ve allowed me to imprison – YOU!
Be silent, be silent you drive me mad
Says my enemies to me in their mind that’s bad
Be quiet, be quiet they shout and plea
In their minds every day, directed at me
Yet I still talk, I still move on
I still continue because I grow strong
I won’t quit and I won’t stop
Not until their minds go POP!
Until they realise it isn’t me
It is their selves the silly things
They focused on me so much they ache
And so a spell they do create
Against me, their obsession and they can’t see
That the one who tortures them isn’t me
Yes I am insane, insane because lots of people have bashed my brains
They tried to mould me to be like them, to control me and hold the reins
I don’t take it any more, this is why I rant
I know the fantasy in this blog is becoming more and more scant
But I need to release this strain of mine
Because my brain I need to find
I need to release it to the wind
I need to be free and untinned
I need to go my own way, not lean upon vagrant strays
I can’t stand upon my own two feet, when I am tying knots with those who deceit
I can’t be me when I am trying to be, something YOU expect of me
I’m not what you want, you see
I am not here for your therapy
I cry for my place in the world
But my place is not here
The place I yearn for doesn’t exist
It’s a place where I go to each night in dream time, a place where I love and miss
When I am awake it drives me insane
All I want to be is inside my brain
I want it to be my world
Is that insane?
Is it insane to love what is inside your brain?
I will tell you
I cry for my place in the world
But it is not here
The place I long for doesn’t exist, anywhere but in here (points to my head)
I am wandering and lonely in the corridors of my mind
Heart broken into pieces, you drink my tears like wine
I suffer with your lack of patience
I am cursed with your temper too
My heart is bleeding for release
My mind is like a balloon
Will it pop under your incessant pressure?
Will it bang in its cocoon?
Is my destiny to be rescued?
Or is it to become a loon?
I don’t dare to choose my own path
I don’t dare to release myself
But how can I live with such evil?
How can I defend myself?
Only time will hear me
Will it act and save the day?
Will I be rescued swiftly?
Or doomed to fade away?
I am worried for my questions
I am scared of the future too
I don’t know what will happen to me
But I hope it happens soon
I remain in this tight spot
Until fate has turned the key
To lock me into madness
Or to release me till I am free
I don’t dare to judge what will happen
A clue of my future there is none
I just hope it happens swiftly
Release me from my mum
This was written on Good Friday 2017, 4yrs after I broke away from my mother. But, these are the thoughts that used to come to me when I lived with her. I always felt this desperate, especially as nobody ever believed me when I asked them to help me with her. Not many people believe what I say about her, but it is all true, no matter what they say.
I have no reason to lie and what hurts me the most is the fact that my own mother will sit back and tell me that those memories I share with people, good or bad memories, are false, she tried to convince me that I don’t know my own mind.
Such is the manipulation of someone who is abusive; they can manipulate even the minds of those of who believe them to be good people. They can wear any mask for any occasion they want, so if anyone in your life tries to tell you something negative about a person you respect, don’t shun it please, you never know anyone 100%.
My life is like a tornado
It’s been turned upside down, inside out and it’s spinning round and round
Like my mind, it’s unstable, insecure and unsound
Nothing can quite help it – nothing can calm it down
I’m just whizzing around doing nothing, someone make it stop, and someone hold me down
I skip from this to that, my mind’s just going to rot
I skit from thing to thing and most things I’ve forgot
I dance from one thought to the next; I’m trying to catch my thoughts with broken nets
But get this – I can’t slow it down, most things I’ve forgotten before I can write them down
My thoughts move too fast for me, it’s like they’re scared of me, they flee
And I just sit wondering… what the fuck just happened to me?
My mind is like a racing car, it takes me to familiar places or far
It speeds from thought to thought in ever careless turns
It spurts out random wisdom that I’ve in past have learned
My mind is unpredictable, my thoughts they rush and whizz
Sometimes I fear I’ll burn out, my brain will just fizz
I need to slow the pace a little, but I’ve tried and surely can’t
My mind is like a racing car, hear the crowds all chant
For my mind has many voices, that all shout at once at me
How I wish my mind would just give me one thought at a time please
My head feels like it’s been squeezed