Tag Archives: paragraph

1st draft vs 2nd draft

I would like to know as a reader which of the two opening paragraphs below makes you want to read more?

1.            The explosion could be heard for miles and the scent of smoke from the fading buildings tainted the air for days afterwards.  Maud, a nine year old little girl was found in the nearby cemetery, huddled by the cemetery wall shortly after it happened, she was discovered to be the daughter of the local priest, Father O’Hara and his wife Mildred O’Hara, they were killed in the blast and half the church had gone too. 

2.            Smoke and dust filled the air and sirens deafened all around.  Her eyes filled with tears as she saw her home being bombed by the unknown attackers of her city; a little girl no younger than nine was holding onto her ears with her eyes closed crouching by a tombstone in the local cemetery nearby.  It was an awful sight; it was an awful noise, much more awful for a little girl like Maud.  After a while somebody found her crouching there all alone.  They asked her name, they asked where she lived but all she could do was cry and point at the pile of smoking rubble that was her home.

This is based on the novel I was writing for NaNoWriMo, the first paragraph is the absolute first draft of this story, and the second paragraph is the revised second draft.

Would you keep either of the paragraphs or revise again?

A little information here, I never completed NaNoWriMo or this novel, the story is on hold until after Christmas.  I managed to write approximately 37,000 words towards this and I didn’t consider it to be a half way point. 

 

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Filed under About my work

Daisy Chained part 1

Below is just a little snippet of fiction, this isn’t going to form part of a story or anything, this is just a taster of how my novels are structured, it’s only a few of paragraphs, but it gives you a fair idea.

 

I was waiting for him all night to come home, his evening shift kept us apart but at least it bought food for the table and our children didn’t starve.

It made me edgy every night, thinking of him coming home in the early hours, especially as this isn’t an ideal location, it has its problems as do everywhere, but the crime rate is much higher, I’m sure.

But I shouldn’t allow myself to be influenced by what happened to me last month under the pedestrian subway.

Our lives would have been more difficult if we had stayed on benefits, so I am thankful for this job, maybe soon we can move and get away from the area?

That would be nice, to get away from such haunting memories.  I see it right there, outside my window every day and every night… that subway should be closed off, it’s a gateway to hell I’m certain of it.

Such horrors I’ve experienced there, such demonic possession that takes a hold of people during the nocturnal hours, such a place should be bombed in by the hand of God.

It’s an unholy and unclean place.

A place where syphilis is set free from aching loins to torment unwilling souls with memories that will swell in them for the rest of their life.

That is my fate.

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Filed under Short Story Series