Tag Archives: rant

A freedom not suicide poem

You deny me of health

You deny me of wealth

You deny me of friendship and love and games

You deny me of faith, you deny me of hope

You deny me of living and you drive me insane

That’s why I left you

That’s why I am gone

That’s why you won’t see me from hereon

That’s why I rant and that’s why I rave

You denied me of life, the things that I craved

So now I have gone, I will piece things together

I will find my hope, faith, love and more

I will carry on, night and day

And I don’t care if your heart is so sore

For I am through with living for you and I live for you no more!

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Filed under Poems A - C

Is this procrastination?

I am curious as to whether or not I am alone in how I write, or more to the point, what I write?

This has been posted because I am sure I am the world’s biggest writing procrastinator that ever lived, yet, I love what I do whether it’s productive or not. I don’t sit around all day long writing poems, stories and songs. I sit around and write mostly about what I have done, my opinions based on current events and my own personal philosophies and reviews of the world around me. None of this has been published on my blog and nobody except for my husband reads them. Why? Because I feel that the world doesn’t have an interest in unusual babble.

Forgive me if I am wrong, but are people really interested in my written lists of meal options I make for myself? Are they remotely interested in all the facts I know of edible weeds and insects? (Some might be – but I am no professional on the matter); are people interested in reading my weird dreams and thought processes? I am not certain, but I am pretty sure I am not very interested in a non-celebrities thought patterns and so therefore I think that is a majority of the world, isn’t it?

So therefore, in spite of me sitting around writing junk, is that really procrastination or is this a valuable source? I eventually include some of these strange writings or habits in some fiction I write, but it’s a rarity. So is writing anything, whether its unpublishable junk or not, really worth my time and effort and could it still be considered writing?

Actually I think it would be interesting for you to know that what you are reading right now, is one of those times I have every day – my unpublishable garbage; I often have arguments like this with myself that I never publish on my blog due to the fact that I feel you will all be disinterested to read it.

Many times things similar to this seem almost like ranting, but it isn’t. They are just thoughts flowing from me onto the screen at full speed ahead, none of it is planned and it is oftentimes derailed.

Am I alone in this? Or am I a budding professional? You tell me.

 

 

 

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Filed under About my work

art, feminism and technology

Yesterday I decided to paint something that was emotionally lead and unplanned; the result was a horrible mess of gloomy colors around a shadow person bleeding from the upper thighs. When done, I reflected on my emotions and they took me to a place I wasn’t sure was a factor mentally. A place where I am screaming about feminism going too far, a place where I see lackluster mothers at the school gates waiting for their children to come out, only for them to act like they’re not home when they go, ignoring their children’s existence and having one child after another.

I was feeling strongly about this because I am a mother, I have a five year old little boy and I wanted so much to give him siblings, but due to ill health I was and still am unable to fulfil that. I come from a family where having lots of children is expected by and large (particularly on my father’s side), but also a family where fertility doesn’t last past 35 (on my mother’s side) and I am 32 right now and so far, I seem to have all the health problems of my maternal side of the family.

I crave to play with my child, go out with my child, have fun with my child, but due to sickness a lot of events I have to miss due to being bed bound. Unfortunately or blessedly in many cases, I have a child that is far too independent for his age, he is strong emotionally, he doesn’t need me as much as most five year olds need their mothers. He is unusually mature and above average intelligence academically. He would rather read quietly alone, listen to Lady Gaga music, play dress up, do painting, all alone. I offer to play with him regularly and his response literally is “No thank you, I want to play alone” or “Not now, I am listening to music”. I can’t even tempt him with treats, because he is unusually moderate for a child. You give him a whole bag of candies and he will never eat more than 12 small ones. Now you’re probably thinking he is a dream child and to many modern mothers he is, but to me, he is a nightmare come true in some respects. I wanted children, because I am a big kid, I am imaginative and naturally playful and I have to admit I am rather crestfallen at how serious my little one is turning out to be.

I see children running around screaming, playing tricks, wanting attention all the time; “mummy play with me”, “mummy hug me”, “mummy, mummy, mummy”. My little boy isn’t like that.

I am surprised he likes being alone at home and playing quietly because he is also naturally gregarious; he will super socialise with everyone outside of the house and will do things in large groups of friends, teachers at his school has said he is unusual for this. He is very caring and sharing, creative and fun with other children and even other adults outside of the house – but inside the house and with other relatives, he acts too adult for me.

I am not sure which personality is his natural one, the one when he is at home or the one when he is at school or going out with me.

I scream at feminism going too far because a lot of women these days are forced to be equal whether they like it or not, to the extent that women’s rights have taken rights away from the traditional women. Women have to work to support the bills even if they are married because of their financial difficulties. Therefore a lot of women have careers and in my opinion, hardly know their children because of it. Feminism and women’s right’s aren’t the only factor here though; the increasing dependence on technology is another problem. Women are known to be very social at the best of times with other women, therefore women are never away from their mobile phones or tablets or social media websites. Women are more dedicated to their relationships with other adults and their gadgets than they are with their children and what is worse, they are encouraging their children to have the same unhealthy relationship of being plugged-in to any type of computing device, just to get them out of mummy’s hair.

Feminism and technology together are slowly killing the mothering instinct. It has been proven through generational breeding various animals that after several generations of having their off-spring cared for by others, the mothering instinct dies and even if forced to rear their young the mothers usually have forgotten how; breastfeeding for example, is a skill lost to a majority of women these days because of the access to formula milk, so much so that breastfeeding has become a taboo in public and a taboo subject to discuss. How ridiculous the world is becoming! I truly believe this is a serious problem and I plan on writing a story about this soon.

Keep in tune.

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Filed under My art

A writer’s thoughts

I have read somewhere in the past, that you are what you read and I believe that. The more I read the more defined my tastes have become, my skills, my genre leanings and this influences my writing and art.
With each good book I learn how I want to write and what I want to write about.
With each bad book I read, I learn how I do not want to write and what I dislike.
I do not believe that as a writer you must write things outside of your comfort zone, I believe you should be comfortable with what you are writing – although on an emotional matter, that’s quite different. You must write outside of your emotional comfort zone if you wish to write fear, pain and heartbreak effectively, unfortunately that means opening up your old wounds.
A lot of the time, I like to write about horror, trauma etc. and each time I do, I open up real and old wounds, this is why I often become quiet as a writer and have prolonged periods of not writing, whilst I emotionally recuperate.
I was once told that writers and artists generally go mad after a time and I believe it, we send ourselves mad for our art and stories because we are constantly reliving the horrors of our past for your entertainment and as a collective, we seldom are known or recognized for it.
I am not moaning about my lack of recognition as a writer and artist, because personally I think that’s my own fault. I think I am generally a lazy person and have not bothered to find myself a publisher or to advertise my work very much over the years at all. On the one occasion I did contact a publisher to see whether or not they liked an idea of mine, I was lucky enough to get a letter back within three weeks, but this terrified me, because they loved what I sent them and praised me highly for it; I never contacted them again, I was worried about becoming famous and at the time I was young and didn’t know about pseudonyms.
These days I am more prepared for whatever life throws at me because I will be totally blatant about what I can and cannot do and what I will and will not allow.
Other than twitter, my blog and magazines are there any other steps I should take to get myself known?
Please comment below.

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Filed under About my work, My inspirations, My life

More subjects in the blog

Time to expand this blog a bit; there will be new categories and tabs for you to choose from within the next few days, they will include;

 
A page about my experiences with Cosmic Ordering

 
Game reviews

 
A rant page for me to let off steam and see if my fellow readers also suffer the fools I do

 
Art, my own, my friends, and those that inspire me

 
Alternative lifestyles, a page about witches, vampires, Goths and the BDSM community and much more

 
My pet’s page, where I will update about the lives of my many pets as sometimes they inspire me

 
Contests I’ve entered

 
Health update as I am often sick

 
Daily Pages dedicated to the work of Julia Cameron, the author of the artist way

 
Food and places to eat reviews

 
And last but not least, recipes

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Filed under About my work, My inspirations

coincidental writing

This blog is starting to represent morning pages more than my actual work and I am trying desperately to avoid that; I am over emotional lately, a lot of my time is taken up trying to get myself back on track, but once I’ve eliminated one problem, something else wants to take its place and that’s usually either more family problems, like a death in the family or an announcement of cancer – or anything really, anything.

There’s a lot I should be doing and procrastination shouldn’t be an option.

I have noticed my 3500 word count goal is on cue every day, but it’s most certainly not creative writing it is non-fiction essays based on my life mostly.  I write an average of two and five poems a day but that’s not what I am here for, I am here to write actual stories, not just poems and rants.

I am saying that whilst writing yet another rant, I see that now.  Whilst I am ranting on there’s a question coming to mind, which I will ask in a separate post.

Meanwhile, I dislike the sleaziness that is in my blog these days when it’s short stories; I don’t want to be known for sleaze, but actual solid dark fantasy that doesn’t concentrate on sexual themes.

I don’t like reading too much fiction from other people either, because it makes me clamp up and think “Oh my God, someone is already onto my great idea”, or I think that someone has used a name for a character similar to my own and I would be the one blamed for plagiarism instead of mere coincidence.  Since I was ten years old I’ve had a character and a massive story in my head for vampires, yesterday I found a blog based on a character similar to my own with the same name – oddly enough, she isn’t copyright thieving off me because that story has never been announce publicly anywhere, it’s pure coincidence, so now I am going through the hard task of trying to think up a new name for a character I’ve known for almost seventeen years.  Believe me, when you’ve been very familiar with your character for that length of time, the idea that its name has to change is heart wrenching.

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Filed under About my work