Tag Archives: relationship

It’s not that I don’t love you 2

It’s not that I don’t love you
Your tenderness is true
It’s not that I don’t need you
Cause that’s further from the truth
But I need a space to grow
So that is why I go
But I want you
And I need you
But I cannot stay this way
Oh no, it isn’t fair
It’s me, I want to change
And when I’m with you, I’ll just stay the same
And goodness knows it isn’t fair, but I need to go somewhere
And if I stay, I don’t go anywhere at all
And if I stay, I cannot grow, I’ll only fall
But I love you that is the truth
Now let me go
Don’t keep me hanging around the door
So let me go
I don’t want to drown you anymore
So me be
So I can see
Where I’ll go
So let me go
I love you so

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Filed under Poems G - I

It’s not that I don’t love you

It’s not that I don’t love you
It’s just that to love you there is pain
I cannot sit around just loving you when you drive me so insane
There is a limit to what I can accept and to accept what you do, I cannot
For loving you is a hard job, leaving you is not
Though I agree once we were great
But then the time grew on
You got more possessive of me
You held me far too strong
I was suffocating under your surveillance
I was stifled by your warm arms
Enraptured by your innocence, your tenderness and charms
You do me no good, only harm
So I left you

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Filed under Poems G - I

Lies, truth and love

Locked in cold stone walls
Shut away and forgotten
Forbidden to live a life
By those who are mean and rotten
Lied about by your torturer
Hissed at by their friends
A mystery to others
Yet no one helps you mend
People accuse you of being the trouble
People accuse you of being bad
Yet nobody knows that the woman they love
Is evil and nasty and mad
Some have seen the truth, a glimpse
But unsure, they look on
And eventually I run away again
And hope that I can belong
But away I went and then there was more
Trouble and lies and hate
But the people who witness the things going on
Think it is I who has caused this fate
They won’t be told that someone they like
Have two sides to their personality
Instead they decide to add to my torment
Thinking they are defending their mother, naturally
But they don’t remember I am not the only one
She has kept in the dark and cold
I am one of three and she hates two
But the oldest one, he never knew
He won’t accept the truth
My father is lovely and it pains me to say
I might never get to see him again
Because she rules him, and he won’t come
To visit me and his grandson
Because she lies to all around, that she gives him a choice to come around
But she doesn’t you see, the truth is this
She would rant and she would spit
If he came knocking at my door
So until she dies, I’ll see him no more

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Filed under Poems J - L

art, feminism and technology

Yesterday I decided to paint something that was emotionally lead and unplanned; the result was a horrible mess of gloomy colors around a shadow person bleeding from the upper thighs. When done, I reflected on my emotions and they took me to a place I wasn’t sure was a factor mentally. A place where I am screaming about feminism going too far, a place where I see lackluster mothers at the school gates waiting for their children to come out, only for them to act like they’re not home when they go, ignoring their children’s existence and having one child after another.

I was feeling strongly about this because I am a mother, I have a five year old little boy and I wanted so much to give him siblings, but due to ill health I was and still am unable to fulfil that. I come from a family where having lots of children is expected by and large (particularly on my father’s side), but also a family where fertility doesn’t last past 35 (on my mother’s side) and I am 32 right now and so far, I seem to have all the health problems of my maternal side of the family.

I crave to play with my child, go out with my child, have fun with my child, but due to sickness a lot of events I have to miss due to being bed bound. Unfortunately or blessedly in many cases, I have a child that is far too independent for his age, he is strong emotionally, he doesn’t need me as much as most five year olds need their mothers. He is unusually mature and above average intelligence academically. He would rather read quietly alone, listen to Lady Gaga music, play dress up, do painting, all alone. I offer to play with him regularly and his response literally is “No thank you, I want to play alone” or “Not now, I am listening to music”. I can’t even tempt him with treats, because he is unusually moderate for a child. You give him a whole bag of candies and he will never eat more than 12 small ones. Now you’re probably thinking he is a dream child and to many modern mothers he is, but to me, he is a nightmare come true in some respects. I wanted children, because I am a big kid, I am imaginative and naturally playful and I have to admit I am rather crestfallen at how serious my little one is turning out to be.

I see children running around screaming, playing tricks, wanting attention all the time; “mummy play with me”, “mummy hug me”, “mummy, mummy, mummy”. My little boy isn’t like that.

I am surprised he likes being alone at home and playing quietly because he is also naturally gregarious; he will super socialise with everyone outside of the house and will do things in large groups of friends, teachers at his school has said he is unusual for this. He is very caring and sharing, creative and fun with other children and even other adults outside of the house – but inside the house and with other relatives, he acts too adult for me.

I am not sure which personality is his natural one, the one when he is at home or the one when he is at school or going out with me.

I scream at feminism going too far because a lot of women these days are forced to be equal whether they like it or not, to the extent that women’s rights have taken rights away from the traditional women. Women have to work to support the bills even if they are married because of their financial difficulties. Therefore a lot of women have careers and in my opinion, hardly know their children because of it. Feminism and women’s right’s aren’t the only factor here though; the increasing dependence on technology is another problem. Women are known to be very social at the best of times with other women, therefore women are never away from their mobile phones or tablets or social media websites. Women are more dedicated to their relationships with other adults and their gadgets than they are with their children and what is worse, they are encouraging their children to have the same unhealthy relationship of being plugged-in to any type of computing device, just to get them out of mummy’s hair.

Feminism and technology together are slowly killing the mothering instinct. It has been proven through generational breeding various animals that after several generations of having their off-spring cared for by others, the mothering instinct dies and even if forced to rear their young the mothers usually have forgotten how; breastfeeding for example, is a skill lost to a majority of women these days because of the access to formula milk, so much so that breastfeeding has become a taboo in public and a taboo subject to discuss. How ridiculous the world is becoming! I truly believe this is a serious problem and I plan on writing a story about this soon.

Keep in tune.

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Filed under My art

Love and Friendship

The fantasy of life is to find true love

Yet the reality of life is lust

Searching for love when all you need is a friend

That will help, that will help you to mend

Love grows like friendships

But people understand this not

They always chase after whoever is hot

They always get burned but to the search they’ll return

And really all I see is that people don’t learn

Don’t look for love, let it find you

Through friendships you’ll know

Who will be true

To you

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Filed under Poems J - L

your love was just lust

If a broken heart you’ve suffered do not hate your ex

For if you do hate them, your life will be vexed

For you never loved them, see

Because of how you feel now

You should be happy that they know, the boat they want to sail

That is true love, see

They’ve set you free to find someone more worthy of you and you of him

If you hate them, you never loved them

They were just a passing whim

A toy you weren’t ready to displace

This made you feel disgraced

So you think your feelings are just

Yet you were only filled with lust

You never loved them, see

You see it now, don’t you?

That particular love was never meant to be…

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Filed under Poems V - Z