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Daily Pages 1 2015

Daily pages are just that, to be written daily.
If I for whatever reason have forgotten to do so, some day, please email me at misstcousins@hotmail.com and tell me to pull my finger out and write them, if you are a fellow author or artist, because I need some motivation and support in my creativity at times; being lonely and without creative friends makes me lethargic and lazy.
Usually it is required to write three pages per day in your daily pages alone until you have built a habit of writing again; I start these and do it well for about seven weeks but then I lose interest and then I do not write for three or four months at a time; this is not because I have no interest in writing or because I am forcing myself to write because I am interested in the money prospect once published – but because I get lazy, I get ill, I get side-tracked by new games online or 1000 piece puzzles and painting.
I am 32yrs old, I have only one friend offline and I see her less than once a month because I live an isolated life, because of my sickness. I am trying to see her more often, especially as she is only four doors away from my house and her name is Alona, she is Latvian and we became friends because my son and her daughter goes to school together and are in the same class and are best friends.
Alona seems to me to be the perfect friend, one that is there for you during your ups and downs and though I personally don’t see her often, she helps a lot. My husband and my son see her daily and occasionally she looks after Henry for me if I have appointments that are at the times where we should pick him up from school – he enjoys going there and playing with his best friend Alice.
I just wish I could do more for Alona, as I am sorry to say it all seems too one-sided this friendship and I feel like I am taking advantage of her good nature.
Alona’s husband is a builder and has often offered to do our house up for us for free, I couldn’t possibly allow it, he works too much as it is.
I am reading a lot more lately too, I am getting through two to three books a week now, particularly books based on art and how to paint and cosmic ordering.
I must say however, that the more I read, the less I want to write fiction because I feel that I am stealing from someone all the time or many people, I don’t think there are original ideas anymore and I don’t want to come across as a cheating fraud; I have been on numerous writers groups online and they’ve all said that I shouldn’t worry about it and just simply write and get things published as a lot of people have confidence in me that I have natural talent not only in writing but also art. I still feel fraudulent though.
Today is a Saturday when I am writing these daily pages and they won’t be published until tomorrow, daily pages will be published on my blog the day after I have written them because I am trying to get ahead in my writing of this blog.
I am a little confused by myself, I created this blog to be based mostly around fantasy short stories and it has become a personal life and poetry blog instead, fully unintentionally, I am actually disappointed in myself for allowing it to be side-tracked, but it will be side-tracked a lot from now onwards because I do plan to talk about a great number of things, from food, to culture, as well as fiction and poetry.
Horror will be present on this blog too, so if you’re going to be too squeamish it might not be for you.
I am also very spiritual and will talk about various things in regards to spirituality and the occult.
Something random, today I went the hospital for an appointment with my consultant, yes a Saturday morning, no lie ins today; and on the bus I saw a lovely site, sitting on the fence in the beautiful English countryside just outside the East side of Coventry city, between Pailton and there, was a buzzard watching some sheep and it turned its head and looked directly at me, it was amazing.
I was also confused by some hedgehogs which seemed to be up and about at midday, two in fact, in half a mile distance to one and other, I thought they were strictly nocturnal.
I am unhappy with the fur I found outside my house today too, lots of it, looks like some animal had had it ripped right out of them in the night, I was a little unsettled, because I got myself involved a few years ago online with some witch friends and I got myself an American boyfriend who turned nasty and jealous with my offline friendships in the UK and he turned my friends against me and when they hate someone they do curse them and stalk them and tend not to forget them. It makes me wonder, you know?
Though Paul my husband reckons he heard a very aggressive cat fight last night around 3am, I take his word for it because I am nearly totally deaf these days without both my hearing aids in and when I am asleep the only way I can wake up from day to day is to be patted on the rump, I can’t even hear an alarm clock!
It is weird you know to think that it is cheaper to travel 120 miles away to visit a friend to a free entry fete in Sheffield than it is to go to a local adventure playground park, I bought this up because soon it is half-term and I am thinking about doing something with my son Henry; I was hoping to take him to The Conkers Discovery Center near Ashby-De-La-Zouch and it would cost us for the whole day around £90 – 110, whereas a trip to Sheffield to visit my friend at a free classic car show will be £18 return ticket via coach, it’s a mad world.
I then looked into taking him to the nearest zoo, all costs included; train fayre, food, tickets etc. will set us back £250.
We have a leaking roof which will cost us £3000 to replace as we’ve bought this house outright now, we have a new boiler system being put in next week and we are in dire need for a skip that will cost £150 for what we need.
My health is getting really crap now, excuse my French and so, I thought enough is enough and it’s time for a change – so I decided to re-enter my interest in cosmic ordering and ho’oponoopono to get my life back to where I want it to go and not where other people are forcing it to go.
I was told for cosmic ordering to be truly beneficial to you and your life, you must not set yourself limits or be humble in what you want, you’ve got to be completely honest with yourself about what you want from life or else it will feel you are trying to cheat the system and you won’t get exactly what you want – or if you do, there will be things you will still be unhappy about – so I have made a list of the things I really truly want, to the maximum and greediest of my dreams for a perfect life.
My wants and needs are thus;
I want a garden bigger than 1.5 acres not sure how big I am willing to go, but the garden must be able to contain a large area for guinea pigs and guinea breeding and rearing (breeding to keep and show, not sell or give away). The area should contain several pens to separate males and females for selective breeding and each pen should contain 20 individuals with lots of space for toys, and a little tunnel that leads outside in the garden for fresh air. My husband Paul used to breed guinea pigs in the past, so he has the necessary experience to do this.
The garden must also be big enough for me to have an agility training area for my dogs, Paul and I have agreed we must have at least 4; one pair will breed a litter where we will keep at least 1 pup and keep that line in our family for generations if possible. Again I will show my breeding pair of dogs, the other two dogs I won’t because we plan on having a giant breed and a lapdog, the breeding pair will be some kind of spaniel or collie. I have the necessary experience to train dogs, in fact I very nearly got a job as a police dog trainer, but because the job involved me bringing home two pups to live with me during their training my mum wouldn’t let me take the job (I lived with her at the time).
The garden must also be big enough for 50 fruit trees, particularly apples and hazelnuts, as we want to hire dormice to help them breed and work with the national wildlife trust.
We also want a vegetable and fruit patch at least 50ft square.
We want a large patio area with potted herbs that’s approximately 30 by 30ft and a large BBQ area; this patio area might be extended to an outdoor swimming pool that will have a pull enclosure that’s attached to the house so we aren’t limited to using it only in the summer.
We also want a little meadow flower patch to attract bees, we want to hire a beehive, and we also want a pond big enough to take 6 Aylesbury ducks.
We also need an area to put chickens, up to 30 of them.
And a little flower garden, a football field for the kids, another field with several adventure playground apparatus for the kids and finally a little moss garden retreat for me.
Ideally this house will contain a brook or a stream flowing through the garden somewhere.
As for the house we need a lounge for visitors, a family lounge, and a large shared office for me and Paul, a huge kitchen with a dining area and room for a sofa and an island and a walk in larder, as I am Ina Garten in this family.
We also want a separate formal dining room as we will host dinners.
We also need a large art and music studio as I do compose music as well as paint and write.
A play room for the kids downstairs would be an added bonus, a downstairs toilet, an outside toilet, a three car garage, an annexe for a housekeeper, and a minimum of 5 bedrooms because I want more kids and I have relatives that travel down from Manchester a lot who needs a place to stay at Christmas time.
My life will involve painting, writing, composing, and voluntary work, prop making for theatres and going to auction houses.
Ideally I would want for nothing, never to be in the situation again of deciding between going to the hospital via bus or having £8 less in the food budget that week, which is a lot, considering the current food budget, is £50 a week.
I do not want to drive, but Paul wants a large garage for two cars, one that’s large for day trips with the kids and friends, and another little run around for us to do shopping in when the kids are at school, he also wants a RV as we’ll take regular trips to Great Yarmouth and Dorset and the peak district for photography and rock pool reasons.
We’d also like to drive across Europe from time to time.
I would love to go to the fantasycon every year; I would love to go shopping in New York at Christmas time. I would love my health to get better so I can start living now I am away from forced isolation.
I want to be able to be a Goth again (though not a strict one as I get rainbow moments, hippy moments, sexy jazzy moments, steampunk moments and middle eastern harem belly dancer moments) and to afford their plus sizes as I am not a lightweight, I can barely afford normal types of clothes, let alone alternative fashions.
I want to say to my son, yes I can buy you those Disney Cars pyjamas that are £25, there you go – I want to be able to buy things off the rack in shops and not have a buy now and pay later account in some catalogue.
I want to surrender to my urges that one day I wake up and I say to myself, I want to go by bus to town, just to go to the library and sit about for a couple of hours and then come back home without second thoughts that this will cost me £7 out of our weekly food budget.
I don’t want to sit around for 3 months waiting for me to save enough to get more brushes or paints to finish a painting I’ve started, which is a regular occurrence.
I want to make friends that are so at home with me they think they’re family – I don’t want friends that are there just for fun or just to rant about life, I want positive, creative, spiritual and family oriented people who want friends because they want emotional support, they love people, they crave being with others and sharing food and homes with them.
That’s the dream life for me.
This is what I am working towards with my cosmic ordering ideas.
Wish me luck xx

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time to start living

It is not unknown that I have a lot of health problems, in fact more often than not my ailments these days make me bed-bound with bacterial and viral infections and my left eardrum is collapsing, which could leave me totally deaf if it weren’t for the technology of hearing aids.
However, I had decided last week to restart doing my blog regularly and concentrating hard on writing, art and photography in general because I am tired of being dependent upon an insecure government; I am also bored of not being able to work away from home or volunteer anymore, but I can’t help that as I have auto-immune-inner-ear-disease aka AIIED, which means I get about a 2 to 5 days of normal health a month, not conducive to the workplace.
I will have several new sections coming up soon on this blog about Cosmic Ordering, because I am using this to turn my life around; I’ve always been a bit of a Pollyanna which is one of the main reasons I had a lot of problems as a child, so I just need to refocus a bit. I am especially interested in Cosmic Ordering and the methods behind Ho’Oponoopono because I have been told that it is likely I will need more surgery on my ear in the future, my roof is leaking, my health is getting ridiculously bad lately, I’m poor as a church mouse and… well, basically enough is enough and it’s time for a change.
I had another small pause to my blog from my previous post because I went down with a big bang with what my GP described as severe pharyngitis (diagnosed on the 3rd February) and was told that if this didn’t show signs of getting better in 48 hours I could find myself in hospital receiving treatment intravenously; scary, I am still ill as I am typing this – but not as bad as I was and I am thankful things are getting better.

 

I am trying my best to stick to my plans of the Ho’Oponoopono chant and the Cosmic Ordering guides from the Mohrs and various other people – especially my very good friend Richard Gentle who has written lots of material on the subject of Cosmic Ordering, negative miracles and crystal wand healing; in many respects it was he, who gave me the confidence to start doing this and he did this a few years ago, unfortunately my life back then was full of negative people who always undid whatever I tried to do to improve myself, that is no longer the case, in fact, quite the opposite.
One of the biggest steps to changing your life to a more positive stance and being your true self, is to leave the people who do not accept you, whether they are family or not.
So I will finish now with this post, to let you know I intend to get busy and post more often.
Thank you for reading
xxx

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Crystallaphones and plans

My plans for after Christmas are to find distance or online courses to learn how to read music and actually start becoming proficient in a musical instrument that’s not piano/keyboard based; this is because my interest in song writing and composing is becoming almost unbearable to ignore, particularly as I don’t have anyone in my life who’ll cause me stress anymore (other than a 3yr old son, but he’s sweet and easily worked around). 

I have found a new instrument that takes my interest and I hope I am lucky enough to do a part exchange with my electric guitar to get one, but I’ve heard to find one even in a music shop is rare, the instrument is… a crystallaphone, or as some people will know it as a glass xylophone; however it’s very likely that I’ll end up with a left handed electric guitar as a replacement (as I didn’t take my disability into consideration – my left hand has short tendons).

I am still heavily interested in watercolor painting and sketching, but I have put that on a back burner since I’ve been ill for the last three weeks, also the house needs organizing as I need to prepare a workspace for the art and the music I would like to take up.  I am slowly introducing myself to small chunks of work a week, roughly two hours a time, three days a week to settle into it because I am regularly ill, hence the unemployment I am in, I can’t hold a job down, not even a voluntary placement these days.  The mind and heart is willing but the body will not comply.

I need to find something that I can do from home but does not require me to use the telephone (not because I am unsocial, but because I have fluctuate hearing and regular ear infections that even an amplified phone is useless with) and despite this being the age of texting, not a lot of professionals or customers like communicating with staff via text only and most forget your hearing problems because when they talk to you face to face and you respond (because you’re an excellent lip reader) they think oh it’s not so bad.

Yes I know it’s strange that a person who has regular hearing problems wants to compose music, but there’s been others out there who have done it proficiently, so why can’t I?  I believe I am right in stating that Beethoven was stone deaf wasn’t he?  And one of the bee gees, he was like me, partially hearing, wasn’t he? And their music is great, isn’t it?

I don’t want to be a singer, I couldn’t take the commitment there because I never know when I am going to be sick and most of my sickness is based around practically all the aspects of the ear nose and throat, which doesn’t help for a singing life.  When I was younger I trained in opera but after the age of 12 I couldn’t sing it regularly enough to be considered talented in it, because I developed regular mastoid infections which needed regular operations etc. and singing became quite painful for me literally.

So with that said, I am trying my best to make myself a creative life and I hope that when things take off I find people who are sympathetic to those who have health problems and will help me work around them in a non-stressful manner.

 

 

 

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